AIBU to be completely terrified of primary school?

[strictlylurking]

I am not from the UK, but I live here now. I have a DS and am currently pregnant with child #2.

DS started nursery in September and while the nursery is lovely and all the workers are kind and quite laid back and DS seems to be having a wonderful time, I feel like I am not doing a very good job of it. For example, this week had a theme (you know superheroes, pirates, ninjas, fairies, that type of thing) as they are supporting Children in Need and so I got a letter saying that I could enter a contest (£1 for a strip of 10) to win a fancy cake and that I could pay £1 for DS to be dressed like a character from the theme on a certain day.

Well, I didn't really understand the contest was a raffle and the strip of 10 things was 10 tickets (I guess that would have been obvious to everyone else?) and I didn't understand that I was supposed to dress DS up in themed fashion and then pay the £1 (I thought they meant that I would pay them to dress him up) and so he turned up in his normal clothes and looked a bit forlorn at all the other children in their fancy dress and it just sort of felt like the most recent incident in a string of incidents where I just didn't really understand what was going on and my DS was the worse for it.

I am starting to despair at the idea of DS going to school next year because I feel like I am still going to have no idea what's going on and DS will be much more aware that he's the only kid not dressed wearing a Spiderman/Iron Man/Batman costume (although at least I know that one now) or I will find myself in a situation where I'm supposed to bring a cake to school (I seem to see a lot on mumsnet about cakes and school) and everyone else will have brought fairy cakes or Rice Krispie things and I will be the only mug there with a damn sweaty lemon drizzle. And everyone is going to think I'm either an idiot or a terrible mother because I don't know anything about primary school.

Which brings me to my point: I don't know anything about what school is like in this country, so what do I need to know about having a kid in primary school? Or better yet, what do you wish you had known before that no one told you/you didn't realize? Please help me not be "that mum"!

Thisis

The tea towel, could be they are designing a picture to have printed onto tea towels for the school to sell.
My ds2 class did self portraits, they were amazing and actually looked just like each individual.

I never take cakes in. Really, never. Not even today, when DS's school said 'wear own clothes in exchange for cakes to sell' (I sent him in with £2, £1 to buy cakes and £1 as a donation to Children in Need. Yes, lazy, I know, but if everyone in the school brought a plate of cakes there would be a lot of waste).

Also, I am not very good at providing costumes. Especially in book week.

Please don't worry, it isn't just you. Other parents can help with the costume thing though, if you are worried about DC missing out. Often school has a few things to lend for the day.

You sound lovely OP and it sounds like you are a caring, loving parent, which is what matters. I echo the points made by other posters about getting to know other parents. You will get the hang of it. Also, the education forum is a great source of knowledge: those ladies really know their stuff. I often dip in there for ideas/answers. You can also ask the school for an indication of events taking place during the term so you can be ready for them. Good luck and remember that MNers are here too.

Try not to worry. Some schools are better at communicating plus you can ask other parents and, as your DS gets older, he'll explain what is going on.

I remember I misread the Easter bonnet letter when DS was at nursery so didn't send him in with one. I was but he wasn't the only DC without a home-made bonnet.

Even now at every charity day there's probably 4 out of the 40 who won't be wearing pink/dressed as superheroes, etc.

strictlylurking as someone who also lived in another country from where I grew up and had to tackle the intricacies of a totally alien education system: I totally understand just how baffling the whole thing seems.

I can remember the horror when the instructions for a particular celebration arrived not just in the local language (fair enough) but in rhyming sodding couplets. I could muddle by in the local language normally but of course making it rhyme had made it utterly incomprehensible to me.

First of all, dont be embarrassed, ask. It is fine to say 'what am I supposed to do about this?'. Ask the teacher, questions about what am I supposed to do about Christmas Fayre/Easter Bonnets/School Fete/Sports Day are all easy to answer. Also it will be a reminder to the teacher that while some things are obvious to them, they may not be to people not immersed in the world of education.

Dont worry that you dont understand the subtleties. It is also all new to parents with their first child going into primary.

Honestly, it gets better. And in the end they leave primary at which point you will do a little happy dance!

Oh my, but aren't all of you lovely! It's very nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. And thank you for all your lovely suggestions. I am not very brave, but I do know that there are a few mums at the nursery who have applied for the same schools I have (there are really only two in our area), so maybe I will try to strike up some conversations with them.

It's not a language barrier Enjolrass I think it's just more of a culture thing, but thank you for your kind words.

Ooh, a newletter from the school AND a Facebook group. Things like that would be infinitely helpful, I think Laura, I will definitely keep an eye out for both of those. And if they don't have one, maybe I could start it like Daisydukes79.

rudolphistheboss, do you know, I didn't even realize that schools had their own nuseries!? I only just found out at the weekend that one of the schools I applied to has a nursery, although apparently it is quite strict and more of a pre-school. The other school in the area does not have a nursery. DS just goes to an independent one I found online and liked when I visited. There are a few girls with children at nursery that I recognize from a big mother's and toddlers DS and I go to, they've been quite friendly and always make it a point to say hello so I think I will just have to try to engage with them more.

Mundelfall and Janek, thankfully I have applied for a place in reception, the nursery actually sent me a letter with start dates and deadlines and where I could go to apply, which was very helpful and the application process what shockingly easy.

Oh my, Witchend what on earth is a tombola? Sometimes I google things, but as I've learned from reading MN, sometimes it's safer NOT to google things I don't understand.

So when you say that parents go to sports days, wigglesrock, do you mean they attend and watch, or that they... participate? I am not very sporty.

TeenAndTween, seriously? Those all mean the same thing? Maybe I will make myself a dictionary with all these new-to-me terms, especially if so many different sounding things actually mean the same thing!

A number of you have mentioned things about making costumes and accessorising along a theme and Easter bonnets(!?). Maybe in my dictionary I will also have a section where I store ideas for those kinds of things (that I have stolen from MN, pinterest, FB...), because I am not that kind of creative.

You all have made me feel much better, and although I will probably do some embarrassing things (for me and DS), it's nice to know that I'm not alone in muddling through and that MN is always here to fall back on when I just don't know what to do. Thank you!!

Well, I know that I just go to watch, there is a parent race but I just look very busy with younger children and wear very impractical sandals - there's my top tip - wear flip flops to Sports day

^^ oh yes. I dress in office wear for sports day and make sure I'm gelping fetch water or something during the parent race

Sports days is usually a go and watch event.

Some schools do a parents race but your don't have to participate. They do tend to get quite competitive, which is always funny.

Our school also has a kids vs teachers rounders match. After the kids moaned it became kids/parents vs teachers. Which is actually quite fun but is held on a different day to sports days.

Oh OP it's so difficult for us natives at times too.

Like advised, you'll make friends. Where are you from? I know in our area there is a huge Eastern European population, and (sadly) they all seem to stick together and not mingle with the 'natives'. I'd advise to find friends of all types. Don't bother with the bitchy ones, you won't change them. Yes to the Facebook group, and the PTA if you can deal with all the drama objectively.

Or ask us. If you get a letter or hear of something that you're not sure about, we'll help!

Don't worry. DH and I aren't from here either. Ask anything you don't understand. Like others say, befriend other parents. DH and I work full time so we don't have that choice. We don't do the cakes, but we make sure DD joins in the fancy dress, bear hunt, etc, so she doesn't feel left out. We already made one 'mistakes' wrt the poppies. DH didn't want DD to wear a poppy because of Gallipoli. (There's quite a lot of resentment against british and the war effort about sending aussies and kiwis to die, and leaving us vulnerable at home in the pacific). And DD actually said she wanted a red flower. She didn't know what it meant, but I think we'll give her a £1 for next year.

In short, you'll figure it out! There will be other parents in the same situation as you.

And yes to join the PTA. Ours seem to need help all the time.

Primary seems to be just an endless round of dress up days, cake sales and other sundry special events. We have a newish headteacher who seems to have quietly culled a lot of the special events, and toned down the ones she can't actually cull, much to my relief.

A tombola is a kind of instant raffle. The school ones normally work by each child donating something small, a bag of sweets or a little toy, then all of these are put out onto a table with a raffle ticket stuck onto them. You pay something like 20p per ticket, pick folded tickets out of a box and if your ticket matches one of the tickets on the prizes (normally it's done by numbers ending in 5 or 0 win) you win it.

It isnt always easy to understand and there are alot of things to remember. If its any consolation my DH is not from UK and when the teacher reminded him that there was an INSET day the next day he didnt know what it was and thought it was something to do with Insects

I am from the UK and moved abroad during my dcs primary years. It was hard until I made friends as I had no idea what social conventions were and couldn't work things out at all. Sports day is called something different and "playdates" are different in terms of timing and feeding kids! Luckily I now have close friends and one, who I made friends with first, is my cultural expert. I ask her all the basics like what do I do at this event and where do I buy this item... I do know most things myself now but my recommendation is get a good friend!

Also for the dictionary, INSET days may also be called teacher training days, TED days, PD days, or for small and confused children, insect days they are all days when the school is closed for teachers to attend training sessions. There will be five each year.