MIL wanting to buy everything for new baby

[Wharm14]

Before you all shoot me down in flames, I want to start by saying my MIL is a very nice, caring woman who I get on with very well. She also happens to live over 300 miles away from us and misses us dreadfully (we had to move for my work) We are tight for money at the minute so are grateful of any help we are offered as we have a baby on the way, my husband is a full time student and I am the main bread winner - not a great combo given that I am also the one who has to have the baby!

Anyway, we met her yesterday to celebrate her birthday and took her shopping, to show her some of the baby things we have chosen (buggy/car seat etc) to try and make her feel included in this exciting time in our lives. Everything we showed her, she kept insisting that she buy for us, from baby grows & blankets to baby baths & cot bedding. She kept asking me to write her a list of everything we still needed to buy, what age clothes we wanted and colours. My husband tried to say we didn't want her spending all her money on us (she is a widower, only on the state pension) but she wouldn't hear of it. She has already knitted us loads of items, which is lovely and I really appreciate. In the end, she bought a teddy bear and we ran out of time for her to insist on buying anything else.

I suppose I'm worried that if I do write her a list, she will end up buying us loads of stuff. If I don't write her a list, she'll keep on at me until I do!!

I don't want to upset her and I also don't want to appear ungrateful, has anyone got any suggestions on how to sensitively handle this situation?

Maybe her thinking is that because her son isn't working and therefore not fully able to contribute financially, she should step up on his behalf. I know this is what my MIL did when my DH was out of work for a period. She helped out with school uniform purchases and the like and I have to say it was very welcome at the time.

I think the sensitive and polite thing to do here is to write her the list. Keep it real and reasonable. Hopefully she will stick to that, if she goes off piste and buys a load of stuff you didn't ask for then that's out of your control. You just smile and say thank you and then put it away somewhere until you can pass it on or ebay it.

Firstly have you investigated 2nd hand stuff? I am in the process of trying to get rid of all our baby things, and clothes/blankets etc. can be picked up so cheaply - I can't even give some of my stuff away and it's in lovely condition.

Why don't you choose a few things you'd like that she will feel as though she's really contributed - maybe a cot bedding set (as that will be used a while), a few clothes (although you really don't need many in newborn/0-3 so don't go too mad). But also see what you can get 2nd hand to cut down on what you need to ask her for.

Also, you need a lot less than you think in the first year - I am quite minimalist with what I've had across 2 DCs and I'm still drowning in stuff due to gifts/hand me downs etc.

My first thought was "bless her!" However I can understand how it might make you feel a bit uncomfortable and awkward.
My mother is the same (widow, pension, lives 200 miles away from us, loves to spoil us when she can).
She likes the feeling of being "needed" still and we go with that, although we don't let her spend a fortune. --plus we like presents.

It's her money so if she wishes to buy you things for the baby, then let her. It's actually really thoughtful that she has specifically asked for a list of things you want and she can buy a few things off the list, rather than buy you stuff that is not to your taste. Better for you to pick out the stuff and point her in the right direction.

I thought you were gonna say your MIL wants to choose all the baby's new stuff but this is clearly not the case here - be thankful!

She sounds lovely!

Let her help you, at least a bit. Perhaps give her a list of 4 or five things that aren't too expensive. Baby bath is a big thing that can also be v cheap and maybe a sleeping bag (tk max) have perpetual offers on etc.

Then maybe say that if she wants to do anything else, perhaps she could put £20 into a bank account each month for the child's future education? Special thing to do but less outlay in one go. Obviously only if you think that's affordable.

And ask for home cooked meals for the freezer for after the birth and maybe babysitting tokens. Show her loads of ways to be involved.

Why don't you accept one thing, say the car seat? It sounds like you could do with the help.

I would write a couple of things down to keep her happy, remember she enjoys spoiling you all, but be lovingly firm in insisting she doesn't go mad.

For her birthday you took her round the shops to show her the baby things you wanted ?
She could be forgiven for thinking you were dropping massive hints .

For her birthday you took her round the shops to show her the baby things you wanted ?
She could be forgiven for thinking you were dropping massive hints.

This

I agree with letting her buy one thing. At least she is asking what you want, rather than choosing it for you. She wants to feel a part of it, so let her.

Jackie0 We met her at a big shopping centre as it was central of all of us and she can't walk too far in one go (neither can I at the minute!) without lots of coffees & sit downs - we took her for afternoon tea at a posh restaurant in the afternoon so needed something low cost for the morning! She always shows such an interest on the phone and asks us what we are getting, so she asked to be shown some of the things we have talked to her about, it wasn't a giant hint from us I can assure you.

We have explored the 2nd hand route, we went to the local NCT sale and picked up some bargains but it was just before we found out what we were having (a boy) so limited in what we could get clothes wise but picked up some lovely things for a few pounds. I've signed up for local Facebook swap groups and we are scouring the shops for sale bargains to spread the costs.

I had thought about the idea of a children's saving account, I will mention that to hubby and see what he thinks, that is a lovely lasting contribution that our little one will have possibly after she is sadly no longer with us.

I like the thinking that by writing the list we can choose things we would like and she can choose something knowing it is what we would like - I do realise how lucky I am that she's not wanting to muscle in and choose everything and has had the thought to ask what we'd like! Due to the distance between us babysitting and frozen meals won't work but I'm sure there's lots of ways we can make her feel involved.

Thank you for your thoughts so far lovely mumsnetters!

My mum was like this, BUT she didn't want me to do a list or to have a say in the items, she wanted to go out and choose and purchase it herself. It was like she was in a mad rush to buy it all before I could get a look in. We had so many disputes about it because I felt she was talking away my enjoyment and excitement. She is still like it years later but knows I will just give the stuff away because it is not to my taste or the children already have it etc. so she thinks twice about it all now. I do think it is difficult for grandparents sometimes, they can't get anything right! If they don't buy anything they get complaints, if they do then they are overtaking!

And I had worded it that we took her round the shops to show her what we had chosen, not wanted. Obviously once we were in the baby departments the other smaller items were right there to look at too and coo over!

My mother in law is exactly the same but shes not exactly flush so we dont feel comfortable with her buying everything. We just asked her for a couple of specific item if she felt like buying them and used the 'weve already bought x y and z' excuse

My MIL wanted to either laugh at what I wanted or rush to the shop to buy it in Denmark where everything costs way way more than here in the US. Ironically for #3 I want a Danish pram (second hand only as new is stupid expensive) and she has been bloody stubborn about it. I managed to get the telephone number for the 2nd hand place online and emailed them, securing the perfect pram. PIL couldn't pick it up so it was sold to someone else. It's highly infuriating that my MIL did have the time to buy new baby clothes from H&M that I can buy here in the US for 25% less. Oh and the H&M store is around the corner from the 2nd hand shop.

supermum it sounds like I should count my blessings, sounds like you have your hands full there!

I think if I was in your position I would write her a list of chosen items, some bigger but cheaper items included such as a baby support or Moses basket, some keepsake items such as a baby journal or photo albums and some clothes. Do some research, find the cheapest places and tell her you will only do it if she promises to stick to the list and not go spending all her money on the baby. It's a lovely gesture from you mil. X

It's a good thing she lives 3000 miles away from me. She is highly irritating with her PA behaviour.

Honestly get 2nd hand and tell your MIL you really appreciate her help but you were looking in shops to pick out what you want to buy 2nd hand as so much cheaper. If she wants to help you guys out let her. I think the right thing to do is let her buy what you would have bought yourself.

If she is keen and wants to get what you want I would let her pay for something big like a pram, or cot, if she has the funds, or moses basket or bouncy chair if not.

I would also let her buy you a little firstsize/up to 3 months outfit or packet of cute babygrows or vests, because everyone loves this and it would be nice for her.

Also, let her choose some things like blankets, where someone else's choice would not matter too much to you.

Then tell her to save some money for when the little one is a bit bigger - they constantly grow out of things and it is relentless .

My MIL constantly knitted little jackets and hats and mits. They were all machine washable and turned out to be more useful than I expected! They were soon grown out of though! Could you get her a nice book of knitting patterns, or see if she is interested in knitting/crocheting blankets/shawls, if you have enough jackets now!