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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is it that dds teacher is being unreasonable?

57 replies

Stepawayfromthecake71 · 12/11/2015 12:20

Ok, so it's a bit complicated. My dd is 7 and in year 2. She's a bright girl, vety articulate and confident. She has an older brother who is 11. DS is a lovely boy who has high functioning ASD. Although his autism is quite mild, it can sometimes be overwhelming and dd often bears the brunt of his behaviour. The school she is now at is her third school - her first school was highly regarded, dd started in reception very well but it all quickly went down hill, a long story but it turned out she was being bullied (three head injuries in a week, coming out of school crying so much she couldn't speak etc) school didn't give a shit so I moved her. Her next school was much nicer, she was happy, but then DH got a new job which meant a move to new area. So that what happened. Her school now is very rural, there are only five other girls in her year group. She's settled in well and is very happy there. So we went to parents evening yesterday, teacher said dd was doing well academically blah blah blah! But then said she speaks too loudly. I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing I pointed out her background ie third school ,previously bullied, autistic sibling. Teacher said 'I suppose that explains it' no one has ever said that about her and it's certainly not something I've noticed.she just a normal nice little girl. I foolishly mentioned it to dd (I know, I wish I hadn't ) dd was crestfallen. I'm obviously cross with myself for mentioning it to dd. So AIBU to be pissed off? Is it fair criticism or is teacher out of line?

OP posts:

AlwaysHope1 · 12/11/2015 13:40

Your reaction is ott.

SevenSeconds · 12/11/2015 13:45

I agree with the poster who thinks your previous school experiences have made you more sensitive to criticism. Maybe you had high hopes for this being the perfect school for DD and you feel a bit crushed?

Mishaps · 12/11/2015 13:46

If she is talking "too loudly" in class then it is worth checking her hearing as others have said.

But otherwise it is not abnormal and the teacher needs to find a way of dealing with this. A good teacher will be able to handle this with no problem with several strategies - speaking quietly to the child often works as they start to mirror the teacher.

Does you DS speak loudly? - might she be copying this?

I suspect that the teacher just mentioned this in passing (it is sometimes very hard to find something to say about every child!) and that you are making too much of this - but I do understand how we hate anything that might be a criticism of the ones we love so much. I think you would do best to just forget about it; and not mention it to DD again - especially as she is settled and happy.

SmokeAlarmsSaveLives · 12/11/2015 13:51

I have a ds with severe autism and a year 6 dd - I have no idea where you are coming from, why do you think the teacher is being unreasonable? Have you missed something off your op?

PatriciaHolm · 12/11/2015 13:59

Honestly, you are overthinking it.

If she's "very articulate and confident" it could be that in such a small setting she comes over as a little loud and the others are put off speaking. It's a minor, common thing and nothing to be pissed off about. The teacher isn't remotely out of line to mention it; she will deal with it at school but its worth mentioning to you too.

SisterMoonshine · 12/11/2015 14:08

That's a good point.
One person's "articulate and confident........etc"

It was ok to talk to your DD about it, or how else can she be more aware?

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 14:08

I am just trying to workout in what way the teacher could have possibly been unreasonable.

Do you think she was lying?

Do you think the teacher shouldn't have mentioned it because she used to be bullied and changed schools 3 times?

Or that she should let it continues because she is a great child in other aspects?

gandalf456 · 12/11/2015 14:15

My son does this too and we did the indoor voice thing. It is starting to sink in.

I think, in future, if you think she's going to react like this, just start dealing with the issue without saying anything. That's what I'd do anyway

Pancakeflipper · 12/11/2015 14:24

It could be that the teacher was doing positives and not so positives about children and the only not so positive is that your daughter talks loudly.

I don't really understand why you are so upset about it. I'd be delighted if that's the only thing they could come with about my children.

And the teachers will be grateful she can talk loudly when it comes to end of year and Christmas concerts - none of mumbling in little voices that no one can hear.

Is there a back story to this? Because there's nothing to be worried about.
Do you feel on 'red alert' looking at behaviour because of the diagnosis for your son? And if it's slightly not the norm looking for reasons? Or does it bring back going through it with your son?

Hope you are ok.

Witchend · 12/11/2015 14:25

I'm not quite sure why what you've mentioned would make her loud, but I may be missing something.

Really, it isn't anything to be upset about. Would you rather it wasn't mentioned to you now and maybe down the line it gets put out as a bigger issue? Or her friends mention it to her, probably less tactfully.

All it means is that the teacher sometimes has to ask her to quieten down.
I do that with ds, who has glue ear. In fact we have a hand sign so I can ask him to speak quieter without anyone else noticing. It's a flat hand moving downwards. He gets noisier as he gets more excited, as a lot of children do.

The right thing to do was mention it to your dd, but in a gentle way. I had parents' evening last night and I told ds how pleased his teacher was, and then discussed the negatives, and told him our solution.
Much better for him that way than the teacher apparently suddenly saying something at school.

And I like teachers who give negatives. Firstly that's helpful because it gives you something you can build on. Secondly it means you can trust the positives. if all they give is positives it can mean that they aren't necessarily telling the whole truth about your child.

Stompylongnose · 12/11/2015 14:36

You've taken it too personally. Loudness may be her personality (or a hearing issue) It's not a major issue unless her loudness means that she doesn't listen well or that quieter people in the group are unable to talk. If her loudness is a sign of her confidence then maybe you should be proud rather than insulted.

One of my kids are much louder than the other two. She's just got lots to say and born with a natural volume louder than most others.

Stepawayfromthecake72 · 12/11/2015 14:41

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I've read your replies and I agree, I'm being very over sensitive. A bit silly. We can work on it but it's not a big deal. I've got it into perspective now

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/11/2015 14:42

Glad to hear it OP Hope your daughter continues to enjoy her new school.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/11/2015 14:44

I think it would only be reasonable to be annoyed if your DD isn't too loud. But it doesn't sound like the most helpful of comments.

I'm not sure what the teacher expects you to do about it. I don't see that there's any point in just telling her that her teacher thinks she's too loud (as you've obviously realised!). I have a daughter who is frequently too loud, and while we can get her to be quieter (most of the time) in the moment, it seems to have no lasting effect. It is, frankly, better for her than being too quiet as my other daughter tends to be. So I really wouldn't want her going the other way anyway. But really it's only possible to get her to be quieter temporarily anyway, telling her has no long term impact!

If you haven't noticed it yourself and it hasn't been mentioned to you before, you might want to try and get a more detailed description of what the teacher means. With so few girls in the year, and no previous history of being considered "too loud", it would cross my mind that the teacher may be subconsciously assessing her against an unusually quiet set of girls. But it may also be that your daughter has become louder at school as a way of getting what she needs. Ask when your DD is too loud, how much louder is she than average and how does she rank in the class in terms of loudness. Does the teacher simply mean when she talks her volume is higher than necessary, or does she mean that your DD bangs things around instead of placing them, calls out out of turn, interrupts etc. Also what the impact is on your DD and the class that made this an issue the teacher felt needed raising.

ButterflyUpSoHigh · 12/11/2015 14:45

She needs to learn to speak quietly. It's not a big deal like you have made it.

pudcat · 12/11/2015 14:50

Every year I ask my granddaughter if Santa is bringing her a quiet voice. Maybe this tear as she is now 9.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 12/11/2015 15:45

I spend my whole life asking my children and dh to lower their voices a bit

Mishaps · 12/11/2015 15:50

I used to have the teachers saying my DD was "too quiet". My response was to ask if she was happy, keeping up with her work and getting on with her classmates - all a yes, so I just let it wash by me. Some children are loud by nature and some are quiet. If either are a problem to the teacher then he/she should have the skills to deal with it.

bugsyburge · 12/11/2015 16:17

I spend a lot of time asking my niece (5) and my DH (older than 5!!!!) to use their indoor voices. It really isn't a drama, some people are just louder than others.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 12/11/2015 16:21

Better a foghorn speaks quietly then the whole class suffer with headaches

Utterlyclueless · 12/11/2015 16:29

I don't understand how the teacher is being unreasonable I was bullied in school and had to change school my teacher told my dad I never shut up (I liked to ask why) it didn't upset my dad? Background has nothing to do with anything and it's not like the teacher announced how loud your daughter is to the entire school

Just have a word with her. The teacher was doing her job there's nothing worse than a disruptive student even if it's accidental.

Utterlyclueless · 12/11/2015 16:31

Sorry just seen your other post!

KateSpadeAddict · 12/11/2015 16:49

You should see if you can get your DD’s hearing tested and work on ‘indoor voices’ .

The teacher is probably trying to gently let you know that her talking is distracting other children/that she is a chatterbox. Seeing as she has moved schools three times i’d take it almost as a positive. If she is chatty and sociable in school but that there is something she needs to work on - the volume at which she speaks. You are probably just used to it

Parents’ Night should be to talk about your child’s strengths and also their next steps. How else can you know what she needs supported with? One of her next steps is to work on lowering the volume of her voice

Narp · 12/11/2015 16:58

Are you saying that you see her as a child who has previously not had (metaphorically speaking) "a voice" ie. confidence, and so the mention of this has disproportionately upset you?

I think that now the teacher knows this background she may understand your DD better. Her loud voice may still be something that needs working on, hopefully sensitively.

Narp · 12/11/2015 16:59

and yy to hearing tests

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