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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why it's so difficult to go to the gym alone?

45 replies

TheSeptemberIssue · 11/11/2015 12:31

I go to the gym a few times a week. Two work outs and one class (which I really enjoy) Sometimes work gets in the way and I can't go but that's ok because it's just me going by myself.

A good friend has decided to join a gym to lose some weight. She mentioned wanting to go to a specific class but was a bit nervous as she'd never been before. As it's similar to my class, I offered to go with her (and paid extra as a guest) We both enjoyed it but I prefer my gym and my class.

Now I keep getting texts asking when I'm coming to this class with her. A few times I've had to cancel because of work commitments and she's been quite huffy. I've also realised this is an extra cost on top of my own gym membership which seems a bit silly.

It all came to a head when she said she didn't feel I was supporting her and her weight loss and she didn't feel comfortable going to the gym by herself.

AIBU? I went once, the class was fine, she enjoyed it. The most interaction we had was making semi-exhausted faces at each other between the songs. It seems silly that a grown woman won't go to a gym class unaccompanied!

OP posts:

BeyondThirty · 11/11/2015 13:29

I never said anyone was talking about me?
What they are doing though is labelling the OPs, friends behaviour as those things.

Jellytot321 · 11/11/2015 13:36

To be fair, she may not have anxiety, she may just be slightly annoying...

but the problem is that if she's incapable of attending on her own, it may be due to an underlying issue such as anxiety. My closest friends and DP know that I suffer, but I don't make a habit of saying things like, 'Oh my anxiety is stopping me doing this- could you come with me?'. I just try and persuade people to join me- annoying as that is for a grown woman to be doing. Just because she's in a well paid, professional job (can't remember how exactly you described it) does not necessarily rule out anxiety.

Either way, it is not your responsibility to help her lose weight, and she definitely should not be blaming you. Suggest she just uses the gym later at night, or early in the morning, as I do, because its quiet then. Or stick to home exercise if she's not comfortable with the gym.

MajesticWhine · 11/11/2015 13:48

Sorry BeyondThirty, I misunderstood your post.
It is selfish though, to get the huff with the OP because she won't go to the gym with her. It is possible to have anxiety and also be selfish. The anxiety manifests itself with daft / selfish behaviour. It is understandable, but it still comes across as selfish.

KeyserSophie · 11/11/2015 13:48

There are genuine reasons (such as anxiety) that means she may not feel able to go to the gym by herself. However, it's not reasonable of her to expect you to be inconvenienced and spend extra money to accompany her. Also, without wanting to be harsh, one class a week will take about 6 weeks to burn off 1lb so whether you go or not makes jack all difference to her weight loss.

angelos02 · 11/11/2015 13:54

This would drive me mad. Anxiety or not, it is beyond selfish. I can't stand it when people (usually women) can't wait in a pub on their own/go to the cinema on their own/travel on their own.

BeyondThirty · 11/11/2015 14:00

Sorry majestic, we're getting wires crossed all over the place!!
Being stroppy abut it is selfish yes, not neccessarily the not wanting to go alone. Yes she very well may have anxiety and still be a selfish person too :)

Wtf to angelo though?

Jellytot321 · 11/11/2015 14:03

angelos02 some people genuinely can't help feeling terrified by certain situations though, even if it seems totally unreasonable to you. Its one of those things that only the person experiencing it understands really.

If a friend told you that they couldn't do something because of an illness, would you still act with such annoyance and lack of understanding? Just curious.

Anyway, its beyond the point because OPs friend is acting selfishly in this situation, because she's being unpleasant about it. If its not something she is comfortable with, and can't find anyone to go with, she should just drop it and find something else to do!

Rainbunny · 11/11/2015 18:18

Frankly it doesn't sound as if she is going to stick to this class in the long term if she can't bring herself to go without a friend. I wonder if she needs an extra person to go so that she will be forced to commit to going herself, it's easy to skip classes if it's just her. She may be using you as a crutch to give herself discipline, which won't work in the long run. She needs to be able to do this for herself.

SocksRock · 12/11/2015 06:45

I've just started going to a gym, and I do suffer with anxiety. Had to really grit my teeth the first few times but now I love it. I don't do classes though, just the machines.

Thefitfatty · 12/11/2015 06:56

YANBU, I hate going to the gym with friends. My work out time is my me time. And like KeyserSophie said, one class once a week isn't going to do anything for weight loss.

If she's scared to go to classes by herself recommend that she tries something else. She can use the cardio machines or weight lift without looking "dumb" or whatever it is shes scared of.

Jinglebells99 · 12/11/2015 07:13

I think you need to just tell her you won't be going to her class anymore as you have your own gym membership and go to classes there. I have similar problems with my friends. No one wanted to come to various things with me so I went alone for years and made more friends! But then friends decide they want to come along and then want to stand sit next to me, when actually I want to stand sit with the people I've been going with for the last couple of years!

whois · 12/11/2015 07:22

Yup just say you only went once to kelp her out with 'first class nerves' and you won't be going again as obviously you have your own gym membership. And I would call her out on being a stripy cow and ask her why she's been in a mood with you?

You are not responsible for her lack of willpower and lack of weight loss progress.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 12/11/2015 08:06

Agree with whois

It seems pretty idiotic that you would need to point this out unless she was unaware you had pre existing membership), but there you go!

2rebecca · 12/11/2015 08:29

I think she sounds selfish and manipulative. Why is she making you responsible for her weight loss? If she had wanted to go to the gym with you she should have joined your gym and fitted in with your times not expect you to pay and go out of your way for her benefit.
I agree with explaining you have paid for your own gym elsewhere and that you usually go alone.
I couldn't be bothered with an adult who sulks

Northernpowerhouse · 12/11/2015 08:54

I think the issue here is her getting stroppy when you wont do what she wants. As a PP said you may find that she will start saying that she couldn't attend class/ lose weight because you wouldn't help her. Which of course is a load of manipulative old rubbish!

Like you i go the gym alone, sometimes chat to people i happen to see there but wouldn't want to have a regular commitment to go with a friend.

BillBrysonsBeard · 12/11/2015 09:14

YANBU. I'd hate this, gym time is de-stress and personal time but some people use it as a social event. I know a woman like this, always has to do everything in pairs and spends most of it chatting. Fair enough but don't expect everyone to want that. It's the worry of appearing lonely/like you have no friends. It's sad.. No-one cares!
I'd reply with "I just went the first time because you were nervous but gym time is me time and I like my own classes" as other pps have suggested. Be firm! Don't let anyone ruin your enjoyment.

suzannecaravaggio · 12/11/2015 09:26

She wants to make it your fault if she doesn't lose weight

violetsarentblue · 12/11/2015 09:35

She's probably one of those shallow, insecure people, who think that doing something on your own makes you look like a loser with no friends.
She sounds very insecure and a bit immature.
It's the sort of thing that teenagers usually worry about.

There's nothing wrong with doing things on your own. It shows the world that you enjoy and are secure with your own company.
By the time you are an adult you should have come to this realization.
i.e. that it's good to have a balance of both ie. being with friends and having the maturity to be able to do things on your own as well.

Scremersford · 12/11/2015 09:50

I can't be doing with this obsession with doing everything with someone. Its reaching epidemic proportions. Its as if some people think it means you're a sad loser if you don't have a "fwend" along with you all the time. I even know some people who won't go shopping for clothes on the high street on their own! I've now taken to saying when people ask me "did you go on your own?" if they mean did I arrange an escort for a lone female leaving the house.

YANBU OP stick to your guns and tell her gym going is not something the average person needs someone with them for.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/11/2015 12:28

"She's a member of a different gym, so she'd have to pay guest past costs to my gym the same as I would to hers. They're in totally different parts of the city too."
So she thinks it's OK for you to pay extra but not for her? Very selfish attitude.

She IB totally U.

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