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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to talk to my dh about dsis drugs raid or is he right its not his problem

36 replies

whatisforteamum · 11/11/2015 01:23

tbh i get the feeling my marriage is over.Lots of problems etc
,Tonight he said i kept going on about my sis.Last week her house was raided by police who knocked the door down and arrested her and her dh for drug offences.
.This is a huge shock to our otherwise quiet well respected parents,They got the news while df was having a blood transfusion in hosp (terminal cancer).Shocking timing.
I told dh thur and worked myself sun mon its now tue and i havent seen him today at all.He told me off for going on about it!!!
My dsis is bailed until jan and they suspect they have evidence she was in on it with her dh.The word is it is cocaine,we are worried for her.i had heard rumours before about her dh but still this is serious.
This got me thinking would you be able to tell your dh things or ask for reasurrance as he knows my new job and no car are causing me issues or are family problems just that...mine not his . Curious what you can expect from a 29 yr relationship and what is acceptable

OP posts:

LemonySmithit · 11/11/2015 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 11/11/2015 23:47

thanks :) i try not too be too needy and perhaps he has his own stress like i say he isnt great at communicating.Usually im so busy working i dont think about it.now the dcs are grown i thought it was time for us..apparentley not and so many subjects off limits .Sorry about your df

OP posts:

ouryve · 11/11/2015 23:57

Shit, you would expect to be able to sound out your worries about this sort of stuff with someone you've been with for such a huge portion of your life. (For perspective, found out something heartbreaking about one of DH's uncles, this week and it never even occurred to me to play the callous "not my problem" game when MIL was telling me about it, even though I don't even know the guy).

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/11/2015 07:33

Dont get me wrong he used to be great.now he hasnt asked about new job either and ive probably only seen him 3 times since it happened.It is a big thing for us already stretched with poor df.I dread to think what he will be like when he passes away :(,

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ILiveAtTheBeach · 12/11/2015 07:45

Blimey. Your DH sounds horrid. Has he always been this way? Not sure what you can do (sit him down and have it out?) but for perspective, I can tell you, that if I was going what you are going through, my DH would talk to me all night about it. He would turn the telly of, get me some wine and listen to me till I was done. He would also give me his thoughts etc. For several nights, if need be. I think you need to tell him how unsupported you feel. Did he really tell you to stfu? Unbelievably nasty! I couldn't be doing with that!

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/11/2015 08:01

He didnt tell me to stfu on this occasion though he has before.When our son came out as gay he didnt want to talk.We dont see each other much as i work w end and eves and he gets up 430 am.When we do see each other he puts Emmerdale on and wont speak if its on,Ever even on serious stuff,I ve told him to watch it on I player.!When Mum had stage 4 cancer he said dont go on..shes not dead yet :( Like i say the marrige is almost over i just wondered if like you say grown men ever turn the tv off to listen.I have had to discuss bad things over keith lemons voice and when i say may he turn it off he does then sulks and slams the remote down with an angry "go on then ".

OP posts:

Jux · 12/11/2015 09:20

Yes, grown men do turn the tv off and listen to their partner's hopes, fears, general whimsey etc.

It may be that if you left him it would be a wake up call for him, and he'll start looking at himself.

Your life sounds like an existence.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/11/2015 09:30

Maybe i would learn not to talk so much either ha ha :) tbh i get nothing out of this existence.No hugs no comfort help with chores only so long as i dont tell him what to do just write a list.No hols no days out nothing.This will be my yr of change.Job is swopped and going v well next stop homelife,:)

OP posts:

diddl · 12/11/2015 09:59

"When Mum had stage 4 cancer he said dont go on..shes not dead yet"

That is just nasty.

Some people talk & some don't.

My husband tends to just listen & let me say what I want to when I'm bothered about something.

Sometimes I can tell that he's had enough of hearing me keep talking about the same thing so try to rein it in a bit.

Deliberately nasty he never is though.

Clutterbugsmum · 12/11/2015 10:26

Like i say the marriage is almost over I think your marriage was over a long time ago, you just haven't decided that YOU deserve a much better happier life.

You only have a responsibility to yourself, your children and to a certain extent your parents.

It is not your responsibility to help, look after your husband. He is the one who has a heart condition, he know what he has to do to be healthy, happy and HE is choosing not to.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 12/11/2015 18:36

Well at least the dcs are grown up one working fulltime and one with an apprenticeship interview in a local city.He is bright and polite so i hope he gets it and gets out of here as much as he can.I did what i said i would ie get the kids through school.I cant imagine how lovely it would ne to have someone thoughtful sensitive and affectionate as it has been so long.Having new nice colleagues has renewed my faith after an equally bad tempered manager for 2 yrs.I feel so much better today so thank you all for the replies :) .

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