to want to get married

[goggleboxismygod]

Having been with DP for 5 years, we are now 28 and we have seen almost all of our friends get married and now start having babies.

I have never really been that fussed about weddings etc but happiness is infectious and seeing all of our friends get married over the last few years has finally bitten through what I thought was my fairly robust skin on this and made me want to do it too.

I have never been "anti-marriage" per se but I have never really expressed interest in it before. Similarly with having kids. DP has in the past - I know he wants to get married and have kids, but I don't think he really has a grasp on the concept of body clocks etc etc so I don't think he feels it as acutely as I do.

I am a bit traditional in that I would really like a proposal to be a surprise so I don't want to drop hints - I also think doing that seems a bit desperate and I want him to want to marry me because he wants to rather that because he is pressured... but I don't think it will happen otherwise.

DP isn't really the type of buy me a present other than at birthdays and xmas, and he isn't the type to save for anything other than his next holiday (we just had one so no savings left). I doubt he would do it any time soon anyway as his sister is engaged and getting married in July 2017 - the wedding chatter is constant and I know that she would consider it a heinous crime for anyone to steal her thunder.

I guess I am just a bit disappointed that I have finally come round to this and DP has backed off. I'm also worried about fertility if he doesn't do it soon as he has said in the past that he wont have kids til his is marries (v traditional Christian family). Sigh.

AIBU to feel like this or am I just being self-centred/stupid?

[KatyN]

I don't think anyone is proposed to as a suprise.. Or at least none of my friends were. Each couple had discussed it previously and agreed that marriage was something they wanted to so.
Whether you then wait for the man to stage something 'romantic' or just get on with it is up to you. I find the idea that he may ask and not know if you're up for it already a bit shocking... Poor lad!
Twiw after we had the talk and agreed that being married was something we would like in the future my husband said he would like a couple of years. He did. Well maybe 18 months but still he was clear we were heading in the same direction but was just a bit slower than me.

K

[scarlets]

Just discuss it sensibly. You're a partnership - you should be able to talk with confidence about future plans, including legal contracts like marriage.

Don't worry about his sister, that's irrelevant - although given that there will definitely be mutual guests i guess it would be polite to leave a gap of a few months at least. Or marry quietly in early 2016.

[motherinferior]

I got a surprise proposal. Mind you (a) it was in front of our six-year-old and eight-year-old (b) I said romantic things like you want me to do what and how much did that thing cost (c) it was eight years ago and I've agreed to wear the ring but still can't face getting married....


It might be better just to ask him.

[donajimena]

You need to talk about it. Does he want to get married (to you) and have kids. If I had my time again I wouldn't have had children without being married. No fucking way

Also I have heard many a salutary tale where the (usually ) the man tells his partner he doesn't want to marry its just a piece of paper only for him to leave his partner and marrying someone else sharpish with the poor ex girlfriend panicking about her biological clock and distraught too.
My OH and I have already very casually talked about it even though we haven't been dating that long. I don't know him well enough to consider it but its where I would like to be in a few years time if it works out. Had he said it wasn't for him I probably wouldn't carry on with him.
I know you have already discussed it but as you said that it wasn't important to you it might have made it easier for him to coast along with you as 'miss alright for now"
I know it might seem I am being down on your relationship which I know nothing of, but this scenario is happening all the time.
Have a serious discussion.

[missymayhemsmum]

I suppose you could have a 'how do you feel about turning 30 in a couple of years?' kind of conversation? ... as in if he's thinking marriage then babies that's one plan, and if he's thinking 'I want to go round the world in a camper while I'm still young' that's another?

[Marilynsbigsister]

Yes to getting married. A big fat NO to children without them. The legal differences a huge between cohabitation and marriage. If marriage is what you want and he expects children soon. Start the conversation planning when you want to ttc and make it clear it's a requirement not a 'perhaps' then go ahead and agree a date together.

[Usernamegone]

Why do you have a conversation with you DP to discuss what goals you have in life? E.g. Where do you see yourself at 30? Then you can tell him that that you imagine that you would have marriage/house/career/babies and find out if his goals are aligned with yours.

If there is a massive difference then it is best to address these problems now

[CalonDu]

Yes, if you get a wriggle on, you could be married and providing his sister with a tiny flowergirl/boy by the time she's heading up the aisle...

[RubbleBubble00]

he's not psychic, you need to discuss this stuff and work out a time plan, see if your on the same page. It's a little unrealistic to expect a surprise proposal at this stage.