To find DP's constant need to spend money exhausting?

[imwithspud]

We're fairly comfortable, not loaded by any means but we get by and usually have a little extra to spend. At the moment things are a bit tight due to Christmas coming up and paying off a car we bought off PIL a few months ago. Things will get better after Christmas though so it's only temporary, we have all the necessary things covered so that's all that matters.

DP is constantly wanting to spend money on unnecessary things, or things that would be useful to have but can wait, it's driving me to distraction. He currently has £100 worth of stuff on an Amazon wish list that he's wanting to buy, he also wants to buy a new game that comes out on Friday (he MUST get it on the day it comes out apparently), and he would like to get a new dining table - in fairness I would too but I am in no rush because the one we have is fine if not a little old, whereas he is pushing to get it asap. I am not a control freak by any means and I don't like telling him 'no' to things, but it's either that or we constantly dip into our small amount of savings, which with Christmas coming up we will probably have to do anyway. He plays golf every other weekend, since DD2 was born 5months ago he's been to the cinema and to a Rugby World Cup game with FIL, we get the odd takeaway or go on the occasional meal out, and he does get to buy the things he wants sometimes, so it's not like we never treat ourselves. In fact I'm the one who doesn't really treat myself much (I do go out for lunch with my DNan twice a week, although she pays for this). He can't seem to understand that he can't always have everything right now and that waiting a week or two isn't the end of the world.

It's just that for the past few months it feels like it's been a constant stream of him deciding he wants to buy this and we 'need' that, and me feeling like the bad guy when I explain/remind him that we can't at the moment as we need the money for food or for DD1's pre school fees (she will qualify for funding from January so that will be another weight off my mind). Every time I see him browsing Amazon I inwardly roll my eyes wondering wtf he's decided he wants now. I just want him to understand that money is a bit tighter than usual at the moment and that especially with Christmas coming up, some of the stuff he wants can wait, without him getting the hump over it.

Fully prepared to be told IABU but I needed a vent.

I think you need to agree a set amount to save/put aside each month/spend on usual expenses, and after that, he can buy what he likes. That way, you're not the bad guy or put into a parental role with him, where he is asking you for permission and you're saying no.

It's probably wise for him not to treat himself to too many things before Christmas - someone may duplicate them as a present.

"It's just that for the past few months it feels like it's been a constant stream of him deciding he wants to buy this and we 'need' that, and me feeling like the bad guy"

"since DD2 was born 5months ago"

Was he like this before DD2 was born? Has it ramped up since? Or become more noticable to you since?

Can he rename it Christmas wish list?

I'm a bit like your oh we get round it by having our own equal spending money each month as little or as much as we can afford. Once its gone its gone.
We've also had to agree what are basics - crisps, wine, scratch cards, magazines, extra tv channels, aren't so you want it you pay for it.

Was he like this before DD2 was born? Has it ramped up since? Or become more noticable to you since*?

Before, he's always been a spender. It seems to have gotten worse just before we moved at the beginning of the year. I agree about him not buying to much in the run up to Christmas.

All our money goes in one pot, there is no 'his and mine', but designated spending money could be the way forward. Going to talk to dp and see what he thinks then maybe try it out next month.

How much do you have in savings? Do you have a budget? Do you have a fund for bigger expenses e.g. holiday, house or car insurance unless paid monthly etc.

You need to sit down with him and have a look at longer term priorities, rainy day savings etc. The "I want it now" mentality might well prevent you from saving for something better in the longer term.

YANBU. You sound like a parent responsibly managing all the finances, with a kid who just wants instantaneous gratification. But unfortunately he's not a kid - and he has a credit card of his own with which to achieve it.

I think there are two areas of concern here:

1. He's being immature and financially irresponsible. He needs to learn that he just can't have everything right this minute.
2. He's being selfish, and his needs are pushing your needs off the table.

I definitely think that budgeting and allocating a limited amount of cash for personal purchases is important. Maybe sit down and do a household budget together, and then you can see what is 'spare' each month and divide it fairly so that you both get a bit of a treat.

We do have a budget spreadsheet, but in fairness I haven't been keeping up with it lately due to other things that have been going on. I check online banking pretty much every day though.

Long term the savings we currently have we would like to put towards buying a house, but that's a long way off at the moment. But at the moment it mostly gets dipped into for emergencies, if we're ever caught short or if something breaks etc.

Omg I could have written this!! My husband is not happy unless he is spending. I'm bloody sick of it but I'm the one at fault for saying yes all the time! He always needs something else, always needs the new game on the day it comes out. If I say he can have something it's less than a minute before he's online ordering it or bundling baby and me into the car to go get it. He always has a new phase, at the moment it's reef aquariums. He just bought one after I said yes.

I've now found when I give him a budget of so much to spend he always goes over so I've learned to go a lot lower than I can afford. I tried spending money but he spent a month spending money in a week, then he borrowed from the next 3 months to buy something big and I created him a payment plan to pay it back (?!?!) Wtf I mean haha. All our money goes in one pot but seriously he'd spend our mortgage money now and worry about it later lol.

I've now come up with a solution. If he wants money to spend he must sell stuff he has bought and doesn't use and he can keep money he makes. He asked me for money to buy a 2nd motorbike. I made him sell stuff and he made enough to buy one to do up

Sorry I'm not much help but I know exactly how you feel!!

imagine he loses his job tomorrow. How stuffed would you be?

sounds like someone needs to grow up.

One thing we do for the big stuff that really helps is that at the beginning of each year we lost all the big stuff that we need or want e.g this year we really needed a new mattress and we want a new expensive lamp for above the dining table amongst other stuff. We write a list, assign a budget amount to each item and then prioritise the list. It works really well as it keeps us to only buying big stuff that is on the list, and also focuses how much you spend, we actually got a groupon type deal on the mattress which meant we spent only one third as much as we budgeted so we have more to spend elsewhere.

Sounds like a budget is the thing, and the dining table can be up cycled, get the paint and decoupage out!

OP, I completely sympathise! DH loves things. Our house is stuffed to bursting with things. I would strongly agree with the suggestions that you budget a certain amount of spending money each month. DH's expenditure exploded when we switched to separate bank accounts (for tax purposes) instead of one pot and a set amount for each of us to play with. Now that he doesn't have a restricted sum he spends loads more!

oh this has hit a nerve with me

im like your DH in some ways,i am and admit im a shopaholic,and this time of year im on a constant buzz shopping,researching etc

i also have Bipolar but only spend on things we need or maybe not sometimes

also im in a fortunate position of owning my own home so that makes my shopping more justified in my head (no mortgage to pay,secure home that sought of thing)

i dont work so shopping has taken over be that being on the high street or doing it online and i do recognise that the amount i shop is not normal but i get a huge buzz out of it

also im not in any debt and have money saved which i dont touch,also im on my own with my 3 sons so dont have a partner to consult

i know this sounds like a stealth boast but im trying i think to justify myself why i do it also

i do think you should treat yourself as otherwise you will just resent him,you both need an equal amount each month to spend,Even if you dont want anything take the amount and save it just for you till you do see something

life is fraught enough and i can see why you DH enjoys spending

on the other hand it can be an illness that can get very out of control

basically i think you both need to sit down and be honest and set a plan that your both happy with

In our house I am the spender, he's the tightwad saver.

We have a joint account into which all income goes. Then we each have personal accounts that get an identical amount of spending money every month from the joint account. All personal stuff - clothes, hairdos, bikes, games, separate meals out with mates, that kind of thing - all come out of our individual accounts. He has loads in his, I don't, and we both think it's fair.

(FYI I earn quite a lot more than him)

Thanks for the tips and the insight everyone. We have just under £3.5k saved. To me that's quite a lot, enough to replace household items if they break or for emergency car repairs but if we want to get a mortgage (long term plan) I know we will need quite a bit more than that. I'm happy as long as we can keep it above £3k, if/when it gets close to or below that point I start getting a bit anxious.

I mean I enjoy spending but I also enjoy not being overdrawn with no savings

He will never change

Have separate bank accounts that your salaries go in to with a joint account you both contribute to a set amount proportionate to what you are earning, what remains in your respective accounts is yours to spend as you or him please.

Stop arguing about money but make sure what you sign up for is sustainable and won't leave you responsible for his debts, particularly if you are not married.

We allocate ourselves an equal and set amount of spending money each that we automatically send to our own account each month. The rest of the income goes into one joint account and all bills come out of this and we allocate a weekly food budget from this. We can do whatever we like with our spending money - dh has £1400 saved at the moment as he never spends any of his (!) and I spend mine as soon as I get it! It works well as neither of us ever moans at the other. Our spending money is just literally for us to spend as we like, all meals out and family days etc comes from the main pot. We are a low income family with a child on high rate dla and me as a sahm / carer. We budget really carefully and both have £150 a month each to spend.

Well, since you both want to save up a deposit to buy a house in the future I suggest you discuss with him how much you (both of you) plan to save each month. Perhaps a savings account just for that.
You would also be wise to have a seperate "pot" for emergencies - the 3.5k you already have, for instance.

My feeling is that if you were to sit down together and work out a budget including those savings aims, you would likely get a figure that each of you could spend on whatever you like - trips, golf, Amazon stuff etc.

The important thing is to be working together towards your goals - not each of you pulling in different directions, which could cause resentment and rows.

There are issues of maturity, fairness and equality which people have already discussed, but I wonder if they are not the only things that bother you about the situation?

I wonder if you are finding it hard to share your life with someone who seems so materialistic. You do not seem to be, and therefore your priorities are really quite different.

There are lots of separate issues in your situation, some of which can be worked through, and hopefully agreements can be made and,stuck to. But if you really have different priorities in life, your struggles will be ongoing no matter how well you communicate and compromise.