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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD's dad to take her out for the day?

19 replies

jamesdeandaydream · 09/11/2015 12:15

I have a 13 month old dd and earlier this year her dad and I broke up. I suffered with severe postnatal depression and anxiety and I'm currently on medication and having CBT. I feel extremely anxious about being away from dd and this has caused a huge rift between me and my ex.

He wants to take dd out for the day on Saturday to Sherwood forest which is an hour and half away. He wants to go with his 20 year old friend who also has a dd (3 years old) and this is the part that worries me. His friend is ridiculously immature and when my ex is with him he acts the same way and they revert to being teenagers.

I don't feel comfortable with it but I'm aware that he's her dad and should be able to do what he likes with her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/11/2015 12:18

You would be unreasonable to stop him taking her out (unless proper cause for concern about safety in which case you need proper legal advice)

However, as for this trip it depends - how often does he see her normally and how long for? If he has never taken her out alone for a full day I would be temped to suggest some smaller, local trips before heading so far for the day.

Littlef00t · 09/11/2015 12:19

If his friend is taking his 3 yo won't he be better behaved? Unless you have concrete reasons to be concerned, I don't think there's much you can do.

Unfortunately as her father, your ex is entitled to assess the risks as he sees them and take her. Sadly your anxiety needs to be dealt with separately.

WhatstheT · 09/11/2015 12:21

Unfortunately due to your PND depression and anxiety you probably know you are being unreasonable.. it's not unreasonable to be worried about being away from your daughter, but unless you have real concerns for her welfare with your ex (to which point legal advice should be sought) he's her daddy, and they should be spending time together.

Original poster
jamesdeandaydream · 09/11/2015 12:21

He's only taken her out for an hour or 2 before and stayed local. This is a first. I know what they're like when they're together and it makes me panic just thinking about it.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 09/11/2015 12:21

Yes! He is her dad and, whilst I obviously have sympathy with your current problems, he has every right to see his child and, barring any legal reason to the contrary, to do as he will with that time.

You probably have friends he thinks are hideous too, would you take any notice if he said they couldn't be around your DD?

Take a deep breath, make a note to discuss it in your next CBT session, and wish him well (even if through gritted teeth). It may take months but, for your own sake as well as for your DD, you have to work through this.

Good luck.

OldKingThistle · 09/11/2015 12:22

YANBU to be anxious, lots of parents are even without the problems that you have had. You would be unreasonable not to allow him to take her out for the day though, unless he has actually done something that has put her in harms way or been negligent in the past. If you are too controlling of his time with your DD then you are just going to cause problems between you and it would be better for your DD if you could find a way to coparent as harmoniously as possible

OldKingThistle · 09/11/2015 12:25

But what context have you seen them together in? Just nights out or child free time or have you seen them acting irresponsibly when they should be watching the children? There is a world of difference between the way I act with my friends when I don't have my DDs with me and the way I am when I am the sole person in charge of my children

Original poster
jamesdeandaydream · 09/11/2015 12:34

I've never seen them with the kids I admit. I just think it's a long way to be taking her and because I'm the one she's with all the time as a single parent I think a full day out is a bit much.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 09/11/2015 12:41

How would you feel if he tried to place the same restrictions on you?

Original poster
jamesdeandaydream · 09/11/2015 12:46

Well it's different because she lives with me and I'm her primary caregiver but if I was in his position then it would obviously upset me.

OP posts:
AlwaysHope1 · 09/11/2015 12:47

Yes yabu, you are making your own issues a problem for your dd and her relationship with her father. You are equal parents, and shouldn't have the final say.

SpringTown46 · 09/11/2015 12:47

If he has only been taking her out for an hour previously, then it needs to be built up gradually. This would be for the child's benefit, not because you want to unnecessarily restrict access.

CFSsucks · 09/11/2015 12:51

Leaving the friend aside, do you trust your ex to be a good dad? Is he good with your DD? Does he love her and keep her safe? These are the main questions.

How old is he if his friend is 20?

I have anxiety and had PND. It's awful and even now I'm over the PND, my anxiety with my DCs is always there and they are older than yours so I know how hard it is. I trust my DH implicitly but when they are with someone else or on the odd occasion someone else has taken them out, I've been very anxious about it, even when it has been someone I trusted. But I recognise that is my issue and it's because I like to feel in control and I cannot be when someone else is looking after my DCs.

Anastasie · 09/11/2015 12:54

How long will they be gone for?

It isn't about the OP, necessarily but it is relevant that the child hasn't been out for very long with her dad before...

it's likely they will behave if in charge of small children, well I'd hope so (and it does sound like a great day out tbh) Smile

but if they will be gone for like 8 hours or so that's probably pushing it wrt the baby's sense of 'where the fuck am I'.

I'd probably say half a day is good - so maybe take her at 9, hour and a half journey (is she used to that? May not be great if not - I'd not want to do it with a baby) and then 3 hours there then back by 3ish?

Anastasie · 09/11/2015 12:56

Also - what sort of things are you worried they might do? Can you give us an example of the immature behaviour?

Fwiw I understand completely how you feel Flowers

KitKat1985 · 09/11/2015 12:59

Yes YABU. Unless you have more concrete reasons to be concerned about him taking DD out then he has every right to want to take her out for the day - he is her father. But I acknowledge that the depression and anxiety is probably clouding how you feel.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/11/2015 12:59

Would you be willing to go and sit in a cafe or coffee shop, then if DD needs you then you will not be so far away.

GruntledOne · 09/11/2015 13:25

Have you talked through with him what he needs to do to look after her, e.g. re nappy changes, food, favourite activities, what to do if she gets tired, what to do if she gets grumpy or upset? I'm wondering whether he'll be quite so keen once he realises exactly what is involved.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/11/2015 14:14

Have you talked through with him what he needs to do to look after her, e.g. re nappy changes, food, favourite activities, what to do if she gets tired, what to do if she gets grumpy or upset? I'm wondering whether he'll be quite so keen once he realises exactly what is involved.

This - he will also need to take a pram or some sort of carrier for a 13 mo. A pram in muddy woods will be a total pain and some way to warm up food for lunch...

Honestly, I would bide your time and leave him to realise that it's actually a lot of work to look after a child who is a bit mobile but possibly can't walk yet, who needs v regular food and milk.

Has he said what time he wants to pick up at? I would simply say that DD will be ready to go after her breakfast finishes at 7.30 and will need to be home by 4pm at the latest [to give you some time to wear her out if she has slept all the way back. ]

Then I would email him a very detailed copy of her daily routine, instructions to buy an all weather suit and wellies, and a carrier and leave him to make his own mind up. Grin

I know it must be really hard to watch someone want to go off with your most precious possession. You don't say that he has been a poor parent to his daughter though? If anything were to happen to you, even temporarily like appendicitis, she would become his responsibility. It is in your daughters interests that she knows her Dad well.

BTW - weather forecast is rubbish for then Grin

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