To think that my bil is rude, if not odd

[herdiegirl]

This is my first AIBU post. I have lived in my current house for nine years and in that time my bil has never visited.

I am very close to my dsis and see her fairly regularly. However, she always visits alone, even on Christmas day, she will visit and bring presents in the morning and then spend the rest of Christmas day and boxing day at his parents. My dsis will say that my bil has gone for a walk (instead of accompanying her). They only live 15 mins drive away, so not a long journey.

I have invited them both over, but it is always declined and my dsis makes excuses saying that he is not social (understatement). On the very rare occasions that I have been invited over with my family (I can think of two occasions in this time), he is often upstairs at his computer for the majority of the time!

I have mostly got used to this situation, but it is times like Christmas when it starts to grate on me a lot. My DF is also currently terminally ill and has statistically 12-18 months left. He is also treated in the exact same way and it always falls to me to have my DF at Christmas (my DM passed away over 5 years ago and I wouldn't want him to be alone).

By the way, I should point out that we have had no falling out to make him behave this way. Sorry if this sounds moany, but I would appreciate other views. My DH is so unimpressed by his lack of effort that he feels like boycotting an invitations we may ever get now out of principle.

I apologise for my earlier post. I had assumed you hadn't broached the subject with dsis seriously, when most people obviously would. Wrong assumption, badly done.

I'm glad you took my silly comment about bruises lightly. I wouldn't usually make a joke about dv, as I take it v v seriously.

I was clearly in a strange mood last night.

a person with Aspergers will definitely be able to work out that refusing all invitations to a family member's house for nearly a decade is a problem!

I really don't think you can say that, Bubbletree. Like everyone else, people with Asperger's don't all fit one mould. It may be that in his mind it isn't a problem because he can't empathise enough to work that out; it may be that he knows it is but still can't make himself go because it is so painful for him; it may be that he has convinced himself that everyone is better off without him at these events because he doesn't know how to talk to people. It is ridiculous to pronounce on a stranger's thinking processes.

Given the choice, my DH wouldn't spend any time with my family. He just has no interest in them and sees it as a waste of his oh so precious time. He does come to things when I say he has to. I'm not too fussed.

My DP doesn't attend family functions, my work parties, dinners with friends... anything that he has been invited to as my "plus one". He has crippling anxiety, suffers on and off with depression and gets himself into such a state about parties or social situations with people he doesn't know that he becomes physically ill. He's irritable and snappy for days leading up to the event and generally panics so much he gives himself the shits He also doesn't really see his own friends very much, so I know that it's not just my friends and family that put him off.

He spent Saturday with me and my parents and had a great time, but he has skipped out on my parent's 30th anniversary dinner, my mum's 50th birthday and I've visited my parents alone the past two Christmases. It becomes really embarrassing having to trot out excuses for him when people ask why he isn't there and I've begged him to get help with his anxiety but he's not ready to help himself yet. I also have anxiety so I do understand to an extent but I deal with it alongside serious AS traits and still manage to be more social than he is.

He goes to maybe 25% of small family things that we're invited to, mostly because I snapped after a couple of years and told him that I refused to be a hermit and would call off our wedding/end our relationship if he didn't make an effort.

outtogetyou but your case is a very specific case of you inlaws family not being the 'same' as you, and you not really valuing family that much (sorry, I don't mean that offensively or critically, just comes across that way). That doesn't seem to be the case here.

and thehouseonthelane I see what you are saying but I don't think it's a given that you can't get on with/become a part of your inlaws family. I think that whole 'no shared childhood/own dynamic' argument is a bit weak tbh. But then in my family (5 siblings), my DSib's partners/wives/husbands have always been thoroughly integrated into the family and welcomed with open arms, and they have become part of the family. We have a very blended family though with half- and step-siblings so perhaps we are less sort of territorial about who is 'included' in our family; can't say anything about how your inlaws are of course!

Similarly I've been with my DP for 11 years now, and at first I found it very difficult to talk to his family (particularly his parents) who are much different from mine, very middle class (not a bad thing, just intimidating when you are a teenager and from a much different background), nuclear family etc. But over time I made an effort to get to know them, they made an effort to get to know me, and I'm really close with them now. They're lovely and I feel a part of their family (in some ways closer to them than to my own since due to work, we ended up 15 miles from DPs family and 100 miles away from mine.) DP's SIL on the other hand, makes no effort with his family. At all. In 8 years, she has never spent Xmas or anything with them, and although she will come to the house she doesn't really speak to them and spends all her time with DPs DB. We all went on holiday as a family last year and she spent her whole time in her room reading. It was a bit I have to say. As far as I can see, they've never done anything to upset her, she just has no interest in making any effort. I've never spoken to DPs family about it and they've never said anything to me, so it is perhaps a sort of unwritten rule that we don't (we're all far too polite) but I know that it upsets DP and I'm pretty sure it upsets his DM too. Personally I now find it increasingly difficult with DP's SIL as I find her behaviour rude and I can't see why she wouldn't make and effort with DPs family other than she can't be arsed. I counter this by making even more of an effort with her when I see her (asking her how things are, talking about shared topics etc) in an effort to try to get her to open up to us, but it's always effort on my part and she will never strike up conversation with me.

So OP, I sympathise. It may be that you BIL has social issues but it may also be that he is just rude/a twat. I know what you mean about not wanting to say anything - as I said above, none of us in DPs family have ever even mentioned anything to one another, let along to DPs DB. I wouldn't want to upset him by pointing out how rude his wife's behaviour comes across as, and I'm not sure it would change anything. So I don't have any advice, sorry, but you have my sympathy!

I agree with a PP in that maybe you should broach the subject more gently, ask if there's anything you can do to make him more comfortable and that you understand if he's nervous. If she breathed a sigh of relief then you know that's the problem, if she shuts down and makes more excuses then he's probably just an asshole

Marmite you can't really compare families though. My DH's family dynamic is fucked up. They argue all the time.....bicker and snipe....then talk about utter shite to cover the tension.

But if you said that to them then they'd say "US?? US?? Don't be ridiculous! We're a close family."

And they are in one way but in another they are not. There's no real affection. It's all based on appearances.

Maybe OP isn't aware of how her own dynamic appears to an outsider.

I see your point thehouse but again, you can't compare your family to OPs! just because you don't engage with your inlaws because you don't like their family dynamic, doesn't mean it's the same with OPs situation. Could just as likely be what happens with my DPs family and his SIL - i.e. just someone rude who has no interest in their life partner's family (or a third reason!).

Hello again, have been reading through the responses. I love my dsis dearly and wouldn't boycott invitations because of this.

I did wonder if it was because he wasn't keen on children that he was reluctant to visit, but my boys are 11 and 7 and not exactly boisterous toddlers any more. There's certainly no racist or homophobic comments from any of us and I try to ask him about things that interest him when I see him, formula 1 for example.

I guess, I am maybe being a bit selfish or hankering after something I'm never going to have. I would love for my sister to join us for a meal with her husband for a nice, simple evening, but hey ho!

Also , as I have a ds with Aspergers I can appreciate that all people with AS certainly don't fit one mould. I have to say that I've not noticed anxiety issues and my dsis has not mentioned this.

Tuilamum had a good suggestion to ask if there is anything I can do to help the situation, and if not, then its not me with the problem, I guess.

I do think he should make a bit more of an effort. Visiting maybe once a year on Christmas wouldn't be a great hardship for him and assisting with what is potentially one of your DF's last Christmases is a family obligation that frankly trumps your BILs feelings. If he has a condition like social anxiety or Asperger's it is a lot harder for him to work on it obviously but he should take responsibility for the impact his behaviour has on others and look into his options. For example, your dsis has mentioned he has characteristics of AS but apparently he has not pursued a possible diagnosis. Even as an adult, a better understanding of his behaviour could help him make positive changes. Of course no one can make him change his behaviour but YANBU to be bothered by it. It's his issue but it does make it seem as if he has a problem with you, even if that implication is unintentional and it does put more pressure on you as it means your BIL and dsis won't host your DF at Christmas.