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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my partners family...

15 replies

MI5MUM · 08/11/2015 22:16

Eurgh they are vile. They are seriously uneducated which wouldn't bother me however they make stupid or racist comments constantly.

They treat me like shit. I've never been rude to them. In fact I've done as much as I can for them and tried to get involved despite them being just rude, nasty people.

They used to basically pick on my BILs partner, calling her names and bitching about her then sucking up to her to her face. (She cheated on BIL)

However now it's me. They actually ignore me and I mean to the point it's like kids giving the cold shoulder. They won't even acknowledge my existence. Last night was horrific. They just blanked me. I spoke they ignored me & then they formed a circle with their backs to me for like an hour!

So I lost my shit & got upset, my partner then rings SIL and her partner tells him I should stop being so "fucking miserable". I couldn't believe it. My partner started telling me to stop lying, it's all in my head and I'm paranoid. Well after a few choice words we haven't spoken all day. They are such arseholes but he always takes their side.

Ugh! I feel like a fucking child.

OP posts:

cranberryx · 08/11/2015 22:18

my partner started telling me to stop lying

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Sounds like you have a DP problem, rather than an IL problem.

AlwaysHope1 · 08/11/2015 22:20

Your partner is the problem, can you not see that?

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2015 22:22

He is as bad as they are, and they are awful.

Dump him and never see any of them again. Have a lovely life without them.

Original poster

MI5MUM · 08/11/2015 22:23

I am aware he's being a complete dick about the situation! But I have no idea how to resolve this!

OP posts:

AlwaysHope1 · 08/11/2015 22:25

Yes but the problem can be as big or as small as he allows it to be. His attitude towards you gives them the go ahead to treat you this way. You Don't want to deal with them? Get rid of him.

Moomintroll85 · 08/11/2015 22:26

If they treat you like that and your partner does not defend you then it sounds like you have a bigger problem - which is him.

pictish · 08/11/2015 22:32

It's not you with the problem here, so how could you hope to resolve it?

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2015 22:32

Do you have children together?

The thing is, he identifies with his family rather than with you. He's an adult now; his character is formed. He is like them. You have to accept it or leave him. I know what I'd do.

NothingNewUnderTheSun · 08/11/2015 22:35

But I have no idea how to resolve this!

Several suggestions do spring ineluctably to mind the least illegal of which is to leave the fucker! What is he bringing to your life by way of happiness?

Original poster

MI5MUM · 08/11/2015 22:35

Yeah 2 kids!

I think before I pack it all in. I say defend me or I'll walk! Is that unreasonable? I'm not going to be like pick me or them but he's got to stand up for me.

OP posts:

BlueJug · 08/11/2015 22:59

Two kids? So this has been going on for years?

ChilliAndBint · 08/11/2015 23:00

As someone said earlier , the apple never falls far from the tree.

I'd start by refusing to go to their house and explain to your partner the reasons for doing so.

Tell him, that you are willing to see them again if they can treat you with the respect you deserve.

They might think you are stuck up your own arse;some people are very short sighted like this; hate anyone or feel threatened by anyone who isn't like them.

Stick to your guns and see what unfolds.

ChilliAndBint · 08/11/2015 23:05

I cannot stand my mothers partner, he puts me down, makes snide remarks constantly. My mother is not all that smart and cannot see it.

I've explained to her that I will meet her but I cannot bear his company and I don't see why I should put up with it.

She acts all hurt , but I've always said to her, I don't have anyone to fight my corner so if you give a flying shit you'd stand up for me.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2015 23:14

I think before I pack it all in. I say defend me or I'll walk!

You can certainly say that, but I doubt it'll work. He's already putting his family above you. He's already told you he doesn't believe you and you say that he always takes their side, so why do you think he would defend you to them? I can guarantee 100% that if my DH saw his family blanking me or physically excluding me from a conversation I wouldn't have had to say a thing. He would have torn them all a new one and demanded they apologize to me. If they didn't, we would have left and he would have blanked them, permanently! As I would do for him if the situation were reversed.

If I were you, I'd think very hard about packing it in. Or at the very least, refusing to go to his family gatherings in the future. I doubt very much that you'll ever change him and you for sure won't change his family. And just remember that if you do decide to give him an ultimatum, you'd better have your ducks in a row for leaving because if you don't, if you give an ultimatum and then back down, you will lose all the power you have in the relationship. He will know that you are all talk. So be very careful before you utter the words 'or else'!

tacky · 09/11/2015 00:24

I have a similar view of my DH's family for similar reasons….

He has been brought up with them so he cannot see what you can see with an outsider. My DH took years to finally see what I had been telling him. Now some of his siblings are better but his parents are still vile. We don't see them very often but I do dread when we have to.

I used to think the problem was me but thankfully figured out the problem was definitely them.

I know it is frustrating and I am not condoning at all how your DH has acted, but maybe small gentle steps to show them how they act is not normal and deeply unpleasant?

I only say this because even though my family are very welcoming to others.. if they were awful I probably wouldn't see it because it is how I have been brought up.

But you should not have to put up with being made to feel like that.

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