To Feel a Bit Hurt & Want to Know Why

[RockinHippy]

Why a once very close, very long time friend would visit the small town I now live in, for a day out & not get in touch at all. Even though we don't see each other often, busy lives, different paths, different cities etc. I thought we were still close friends, as in when I do see her or the others from our old group, it's like old times.

But not even a "will be in town soon, but really sorry I won't be able to see you this time" - which would have been fine. It's what I would have done & have done when I visit her city, which is way bigger than here & I know a lot of people there as I used to live there myself, so I understand it's not always easy.

This is the second time she has done this, what makes it worse is she seems to try & hide it. We keep in touch a lot via Facebook ( yeah I know, I said a bad word )

Usually she posts endless photos, especially of days out. Not this time, last time it was the odd photo cut in a way so it could look like anywhere & avoids mentioning name of town - but we live here, so it was obvious to both DH & I ( he's also an old friend of hers)

This time she was tagged in photos by the friends she was with, sat in pubs & cafes we have taken her too, one even practically at the end of our street

She's visited with friends I don't know before, I'm sociable & have thought I got on well with them. Though I'm not dog mad as they are, but I make an effort as that's her obsession now. Have made sure to find places to go that let dogs in etc etc - seems we are not needed as tour guides any more & it's really making me re evaluate the friendship

First time posting via phone app, so hopefully this is a short post - hard to tell

YANBU to be hurt.

Obviously anyone answering can only guess at the why, which could range from her not wanting to tell you because it maybe upset her when you said 'we're in town and not seeing you' and she didn't want to do it back, to a more hurtful she's withdrawing from the friendship but doesn't want any confrontation.

Have you noticed that you have had less contact than normal over the past few months/6 months/year? Any hints that she's distancing herself from other older friends you both know? Has she fallen out with your DH and doesn't want to draw you into it too?

Or maybe it's as simple as the bit you say about you're not dog mad and she is?

Do you feel like you can ask her? That's really only possible though if you're sure you want to know why and can handle it if the answer isn't one you're going to like.

I have this situation. She is actually my children's God mother. She got married, moved away and we drifted a bit as can happen when not just around the corner. Then she moved again and the birthday cards and wishes stopped now we don't really speak but are still on each others Facebook.
She visits our home town but doesn't get in touch. (she does only visit for one person here rather than a whole bunch)
We grew and changed into different people, I have no bad feelings towards her, just one of those things and the memories are still good ones. I won't feel sad when I am reminded of them.

It's hard to start with. I could ask but I don't see the value in it for me but you wouldn't be out of line to mention it would be nice to see her.

Ask her?

It's really simple - she went there with people you don't know. I've done this before and had it done to me, and there is absolutely no offence intended or implied. It is just that you're doing something with person X who doesn't know person Y.

I think yabu. She's visiting with friends of hers that you don't know, they've planned a day/weekend together and if that was me, I wouldn't meet up with an old friend I barely speak to either!

I have good friends who live on the other side of the country and I've seen FB stuff about them visiting cities within 12 miles of my home - it didn't cross my mind to be upset that i wasn't invited along!

When I go to my home town, to see my family, I very rarely manage to find the time to catch up with friends too. I can get home about 3 or 4 times a year, and have an endless round of relatives to visit or be visited by, want to spend time with my mum, want her to be able to spend time with her grandchildren.

Usually the last thing on my mind would be upsetting/ not upsetting an old friend. Sorry. Maybe it's as simple as that for your friend.

It's a gentle yabu from me.
The long and short of it is that she's allowed to have other friends in your town and see them without inviting you too or even letting you know.

I did this recently to someone. I'd arranged to see some people I hadn't seen in years. It would have been rude to pop off for a while to see someone else.
I meant to drop the other friend a quick message but only realised I'd forgotten to in the way home, in a flush of embarrassment.

You can't fit much into a day. If she's there seeing certain friends it'd get stressful to fit another friend in. I'm not sure anyone would send the kind of text you refer to. That'd be a bit weird. You might reply suggesting squeezing in a meet up, which she didn't want, or saying 'thanks a bunch!' and have made things worse. If she was staying for a week and didn't see you, fair enough. But it's just one of those things - it's happened to me both ways, friends doing it to me and vice versa. We get it, we're busy, we'll see each other when we have time. To me it bugs more when people say how much they want to see you, must fix a date etc and then clearly don't want to. At least your friend isn't pretending. Sorry you're hurt though. Keep off FB and keep busy I'd say.

To be honest when I go back dahn sarf I don't get to see many friends because I am busy with my OH going to places.

I'd post 'Aah, we do love that pub. So homely.' or something and then leave it at that. Be kind, and not disgruntled and let it go.

I have to admit it really wouldn't occur to me if I was visiting somewhere to contact friends in the vicinity just to tell them I'd be nearby but wouldn't be able to see them. In fact, if someone contacted me just to tell me they'd be in my town but couldn't meet me I would find it rather odd. I'm perfectly happy for my friends to have their own lives.

I agree that no one sends texts to inform people they will be in the area for the day but won't see them.
It's not the sort of thing people owe anyone an explanation over.

It wouldn't occur to me to be included in a friend's plans with people I don't know and neither would I expect them to find the time within those plans to see me as well. I'd feel embarrassed if someone sent me a text effectively explaining themselves for not seeing me. I'd wonder if I was coming across as needy or some shit. I'd wonder why they felt obliged to send it!

OP if the friendship is a good one you'll catch up another time and all will be well. If she's drifting away then remember the saying; never make someone a priority if they'll only make you an option.
Friendships are often transient and require readjusting along the way.
I'll be honest and say that from what you've written alone, you could do lowering your expectations of your friend.

YABU - I don't get in touch with every friend I know in a town everytime I go there. She clearly went to see other friends and didn't have time to see you. If you want to hang out with her, make plans to visit her, for her to visit you, or to meet in the middle. Stop obsessing over her facebook pictures.

Thanks everyone - food for thought. Maybe I am being over sensitive, circumstances her aren't great here of late. I have health problems, which are worse thanks to stressful situation & DD is very ill & stuck in a wheelchair this year, so I'm busy, but not with the good stuff, iyswim

To clarify, these friends of hers are friends that are staying with her for a few days, I think for her birthday, not local to here, she brought them with her to visit for a day out with the dogs. She doesn't have other friends here, just us. It's a small place & you can walk from one side to the other in about 20 minutes & we are very central.

She's visited many times in the past with other friends that we don't know & has always got in touch with me to meet up. She never comes on her own, TBH, these days if it doesn't involve dogs, I get the impression it's hard to get her to go anywhere. It's just this last twice that she hasn't bothered & probably more upsetting, seems she has tried to hide it. Other times I have met her, I've actually tried to be helpful & dog sit so they can go into shops that won't let the dogs in, we live here, so not that bothered by going in as we can do it any time & so did them a favour

By saying I let people know if I visit where they live & can't meet up, I don't mean everyone - she lives in London & I have a lot of friends there, so of course it would be a bit nuts to text everyone, say I'm going to be in town & can't see you - but when there, I will let certain people know I will be in a certain area of town, not expecting to see you, but I'm going to there if you are around & have time for a quick coffee etc etc. I couldn't have imagined visiting her smaller area of town & not letting her know, we've been friends for over 30 years, that's even though I do know others close by.

I'm not obsessing over her Facebook photos, or anyone else's for that matter, I enjoy seeing what my friends are up to in their lives, as they are scattered all over the world. I interact more with this friend, plus we have a lot of mutual friends, so her photos tend to show up in my feed - to be honest, a lot of the time, I wish they didn't I really don't need to see dogs bollocks, slobbering dog chewing raw offal, or a huge dogs cock with my morning coffee, or rants about how much she hates snot nosed brats & breeders

I can't say for sure if it's just me, but actually thanks Agentzigzag , I suspect it's not - I've seen her meet her dog friends for gallery exhibition days out, something she would have previously always done with other mutual friends & if I could get away, I would have tried to go too.

I have messaged & asked, not had a reply as yet, so we will see. The only thing I can possibly think of, is that last time I brought DD along, but DH was away & her then pup loved DD anyway, do it seemed to work out well as they entertained each other.

In a way it's made me rethink & TBH, if I met her now, based on her FB persona, I doubt I would warm to her at all. I love animals, dogs included, but it's clearly become a very ott, spoilt child substitute for someone who constantly screams how much they hate kids & rants about hating other friends of ours, simply for having the wrong type of her own breed of dog. She is generally the charactature of the grumpy old woman - still makes me feel very sad to realise that though, after this many years I suppose I thought we would always be friends

I'm half joking saying this but she really doesn't sound very nice Rockin.

Everyone's arsey at some point or other but the ranting is a bit OTT to put up with when you don't have to.

Is it the finality of it you're struggling with? (thinking about your last sentence saying you thought you'd always be friends) Even if you aren't as close as you used to be now, that doesn't mean you won't be ever ever again.

It'd be interesting to see how she answers to you asking her why. Do you think she'll reply?