To feel so, so sad to have a nearly empty nest

[nortonhouse]

My son went off to uni at the start of last year, and I still haven't gotten over it. I cry (but hide it!) when he comes home and then again every time he leaves. Our daughter will likewise leave for uni year after next. I am dreading it. My husband and I have a solid (30+ year) marriage, I am involved in plenty of activities and charities (although not currently working for pay), I have loads of friends and plenty to keep me busy. Yet I can't get over this sadness and the feeling that our time with the children at home flies by far too quickly. Any advice from those of you who have gone through this or who are in the same place?

OP, I think you have to think of any positives. My eldest went off to Uni in September and my youngest will be going next year (they are only one school year apart). My youngest spends half the week with her Dad, so it is just me and DH here now, for half of the week. The positives:

1. Washing basket is never full!
2. The house stays tidy.
3. A pint of milk lasts longer than a day.
4. There is bread!
5. Bills are lower (food etc)
6. There is no longer the endless ferrying about to activities.

Just remember, that you've brought them up, to do so well at school that they CAN attend Uni. That's a huge achievement.

I do have days where I feel a bit "boo hoo", but I tell you what is great for that - look at the Parenting part of Mumsnet....lots of Mum's with toddlers that are tearing their hair out, and I think "Ah yes, I remember that, and I'm so glad to be where I am now!"

It hit me quite hard when ds1 went, because it was a gradual process until he wasn't there everyday anymore. He started his move out at 18 but it took him until 22 to really go.
Sometimes, I really wish he'd have done it in one go because it sort of crept up until realisation iyswim.

Ds is 20 has a gf and is really in no rush at all to go, so I'm trying not to make it so cosy for him.

DD was a huge shock really as she is still only 11 but I just feel she'll never fully live at home again. It's good because she is happy, ambitious, determined and working hard. She'll move to London or at least for Uni she says so.

I know exactly how you feel.

My three DDs are aged 20, 17 (well, almost) and 13.

DD1 is in her third year at Warwick, and is spending it in Paris (studies French and Italian).

It is very hard. I found it much harder this time around as she was clearly very nervous too, and I also remembered when I was a student, and also had to spend a year abroad. The nerves I felt on the day I set off for that came flooding back to me the day I helped her haul her cases through St. Pancras station in London to get the Eurostar to Paris.

Once she had gone through customs my legs turned to jelly for ages and I had to find a bench to sit on.

All OK now though, and I am going over there myself next weekend to visit her.

and or for you.

We have lived the last 25 years with our own and a great many fosters. At the moment we are having the first child free period in our married life and loving it.
To all of you empty nesters there is a call out for foster carers for unaccompanied Syrian minors if you want to put your care and wisdom into that. We will think about it in the new year.

iliveatthebeach hugs to you! You are so right! I think I would wish those early days back - then the posts from mums with babies and toddlers remind me what those days were like!

topseyt my son also reads modern languages at uni! So he spent all last summer away, is looking at programs for the December break, and is now planning his year 3 abroad. He cannot wait and is really excited about where he will go next, and I'm really pleased to have raised an independent person who is at home in many places around the world. But I completely identify with your experience of jelly legs after seeing your daughter off at St Pancras. Really glad she is enjoying her time in Paris; it's lovely that she is near enough for you to visit. Have a lovely time!!

DS1 came home after uni and back in the spring he bought a house with his GF and DS 2 went to uni in Sept, so for the first time in twenty years DH and I are on our own.

I am very proud of the young independent men they have become but I do miss them. It is lovely when you do see or hear from them. I am amazed at the little amount of laundry I now have, it is wonderful. Plus our sex life (never been a problem) has extended out of the bedroom :)

I feel exactly the same.

DS1 chose the army over uni and left in July 14. I used to hide in the bathroom to cry many, many weeks after he left. He didn't come home for the first 7 weeks, then it was just a weekend. He came home again 7 weeks after that.

When we had to take him to his Phase 2 training, after he'd been home 2 weeks, I cried for 2 hours coming home in the car. Then we saw a convoy of trucks carrying the vehicles he was going to driving and I cried the rest of the way home.

DS2 went to uni in Sept, he's doing nursing so he only gets 7 weeks holiday and no reading weeks! He, also, has lectures 9-5 atm so has only been home once, last weekend. I miss him terribly.

We are incredibly close, always have been. I'm disabled and have had major surgery in May. He's looked after me since he finished his exams, he took me places, made me meals, painted my nails. He wouldn't leave me although I said he could. It hit me like a tonne of bricks when he left. I cried almost all the way home. I couldn't eat. I cried that night when DS1 went back to camp and I hadn't done that in months and months.

I am so proud that our DC have both acheived, so far, what they set out to do, but no one warns you of how hard the leaving bit is. I did say to DH maybe if they'd caused us more trouble and hadn't have been so lovely we'd have been happier to see the back of them!

Notagain

yes, to the sex life emerging from the bedroom.
It certainly is a completely different phase, like a new life at times.

fairycaravan hugs, and congratulations on your DSs!
You are right about the paradox of the difficulty of missing the accomplished and independent children whom you have helped make that way.

Oh gosh. My DC are only 3 and 1 but reading this terrifies me! Time already seems to be on such a ludicrous fast forward setting that I feel like I only have to blink and they'll be moving out. I'm being ridiculous - they're not even in school yet - but the thought of how fast the past three years have gone and the thought of only having 15 more till DD leaves home...Sob!

FairyCaravan, good post.

for you too, and for all others on here who are feeling a bit raw.

Thank god for the communications we have today. My student days were also in the time of once a week phone calls and letters. Seems like the dark ages now when I tell my DDs that. They roll their eyes and can't understand how we got by.

These days WhatsApp is likely to be your friend, or occasionally Skype or Facetime.

My DD1 is often WhatsApping me, or sometimes her sisters.

I never understand the "empty nest" thing. I have 4 DC's and the last two have only just moved into their own homes. I love having the house to ourselves.

The kitchen is always tidy
The bathrooms stay sparkly clean
My make up is always where I left it and never "wanders" into DD's rooms
My black jeans are mine and mine alone these days
We sleep with our bedroom door open I hated sleeping with it open before as God knows whose boyfriends/girlfriends were staying over
My fridge is always full.
We AT LAST bought a hot tub no way we're we buying one for everyone and their boyfriends/girlfriends to use it
I can choose which couch to sprawl on

As much as I love my DC's it's lovely to just be "me" again. I'm proud of them all but I can't deny I'm relishing spending lots of time to spend with DH. Life has moved on, the children have moved out and it's time now for them to live their lives the way they want to. We will always be here for them all and they can always move back if things don't turn out they way they envisage. For now though we're loving life

I'm dreading this as well, DD will going to Uni in two years (so long as she gets University entrance), she wants to go to a different part of the country to study law and as we're abroad she'll have fly and can't just get the train home for a weekend etc so visits will be few and far between. After that she wants to move to the UK or Canada.

I'm a single parent and she's an only, whilst there are so many things I want to do (travel etc), I will miss her incredibly.

For the sake of my health I had to mentally let go. I still love them, am always there for them, if they need me, but had to force myself to bring my worry down several levels. If I get that hollow like heart ache feeling brewing I have to remind myself they are living their own lives now and I have prepared them well and trust them to look after themselves. I am happy for them and now I have more time to spend on myself and my husband (before my parents need me as a carer and grandchildren come along and I have babysitting requests).

Sad here tonight as just found out DD will not be with us on Xmas day, as wants to spend day with her DP and his family
I understand things change but won't be the same without her
I see her at least once a week, but miss her and dread DS moving out too
Not that, that will stop me encouraging them to be happy and get on with their own lives

My eldest is working now and lives an hour away. I missed him terribly when he went to uni. The gap he left was bigger than just the removal of one person, it changed our whole dynamic. I love it when he visits home. I'm aware it will change again when he has a wife/partner. It's step by step losses of that dependence and intimacy that existed when he was just my small boy.
My other son is 19, my DD 13

I try to enjoy my time with them more knowing more clearly that each stage is transient.

One advantage I have is a son who will never be independent. My 19 year old has SN and will never live alone, get married, have a career.
It helps me focus on how rich my children's lives will be, upon the life my son is creating in London and away from me. I have done my job,given him the skills to go off and live a full life.
Having a son who will never do that gives me a greater pleasure in that rather than letting me focus on my loss.

It's really hard. But it's such a gift.

I have no advice to offer but I do know where you're coming from. My dd is nearly 19 and has her own, very established, life that is completely separate from me. She's still at home but is very busy with work, college, friends ect. I quite often feel sad and I definitely miss her, which is a bit odd as technically she's still here

Mine have mostly gone now and the scariest is dd who is 12 tomorrow.
Eldest, we see if he pops in which isn't very often, but alot over xmas and dd birthday.
Middle one, still at home but mostly stays at gf parent's house.
Dd boards and is supposed to be home weekends but don't see her for many.

You get used to holidays and its good when they are older and bring partners/ gf back to sleepover.
This xmas they all stayed and it was brilliant. As from next Monday the nest will be mostly empty again.

You do get used to it, and it does get better. I'll still cry when dd has gone next weekend though.
Then I'll busy myself, find a new project and me and dh enjoy child free time together.

I've got this coming this year. Dreading it is an understatement, I could cry at the drop of a hat but I won't. Only child, very very close to me. How can a person be sad, happy and proud all at once?

Behooven, that is the conundrum isn't it?

I don't think I understood it until it happened to me when DD1 left.

I know exact how you feel OP. My 3ldest 3 are in their late teens and studying away from home. DS1 has been away for 3 years, DS2 for 2 years and DD has been away for 4 years. They were all here for the Christmas holiday and we went away together to a 5 star hotel holiday to Amsterdam for the first week and I spent the 2nd week cooking them their favourite meals and spoiling them a bit. We had lots of lovely family moments together and lots of group and individual chats into the early hours of the day. They've all gone today and I was in floods of tears as the last one left. It was such a lovely holiday and so nice to have them back. They phone every other day or every day and sometimes 3-4 times a day but it's not easy parting with your DC even when you know it's part of growing up.

Mine are 23 22 and 20. Sometimes I miss them so much it hurts!

I am dreading this. My ds is 14 and I was fairly young when I had him so I have never been a grown up without him. He is talking of going to the USA for university and of course I totally support him and want him to follow his dreams and be independent but the thought of him leaving breaks my heart.I don't show this to him and he does spend a lot of time with his dad and when he does I am fine and have a job, friends and hobbies but the thought of him not needing me is so strange.