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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my parents had to go through all this crap on what should have been one of the happiest days of their lives?

51 replies

Timeforanamechangey · 05/11/2015 12:16

I went to visit my parents recently, while I was there I happened to look through an album of their wedding photos and decided to ask a few questions I've not asked before about what the day was like etc.

Turns out the whole thing was really quite sad.

There was a big age gap between my parents (mum was 17 dad was 37), and consequently her mum basically disowned her and refused to come to the wedding. Because of the age gap a lot of her friends assumed she was pregnant (she wasn't) and also refused to come to the wedding.

My DM's dad was an alcoholic and on the morning of her wedding was too drunk to stand so she had no one to give her away.

DF's best man was a black man (Africa in the early 80's) so a lot of his/their friends refused to come to the wedding.

Aibu to feel really upset that because of other people my parents' special day was not as happy as it could have or should have been? I've talked to DM about it and she is also quite sad about it, I know one of her greatest wishes is to renew her vows to DF, I so wish I had the money to arrange this for them as they are still together almost 35 years later despite everyone's doubts :)

OP posts:
StrawberryTeaLeaf · 05/11/2015 13:46

Bunbaker and Blodss she did say the wedding was in Africa Smile

OP the marriage really is more important than the wedding but, FWIW, your parents showed great character that day in going ahead and resisting the racism etc. That's a good thing.

mumblechum1 · 05/11/2015 13:51

Renewing the vows doesn't have to be an expensive thing. My parents did it very quietly, just the two of them, on a visit to my mum's home town in Ireland when they'd been married around 40 years (she was married in the UK)

You could maybe just organise a nice lunch afterwards for close family and friends, that wouldn't cost much?

wigglesrock · 05/11/2015 13:52

I got the impression that the wedding took place in Africa in the early 80s from the opening post, if so yes I can well imagine that some guests would boycott the wedding.

Your parents have had lots of happy times in their marriage, my grandad died just before my mum got married. Actual wedding days can be a bit of a nightmare in general, although that could just be my volatile, I'm being kind extended family.

PepperThePrepper · 05/11/2015 13:56

I wouldn't want my 17yo dd marrying anybody! Not because of the age gap but because it's just too young to be getting married

yeOldeTrout · 05/11/2015 13:58

My mom & both grandmothers got married at 17 (2 of them were pg).
tbf, only one of the marriages lasted (60+ yrs).

pinkdelight · 05/11/2015 14:00

I wouldn't focus on their wedding day. It sounds like your mum had a pretty crappy childhood/family life all around until she met her dad, so put the details of that day aside and see the bigger picture. She left behind a crap abusive family and that day marked the start of her building a new happy family. You can mark that any day you like, just by being together.

pinkdelight · 05/11/2015 14:01

your dad, not her dad obviously

Viviennemary · 05/11/2015 14:05

There is no point in dwelling on this and wishing for what might have been. You can't change the past. And I think her family had a point in disapproving of this marriage as she was very young and there was a very large age gap. Still it has all worked out so they were proved wrong. I'd just concentrate on the future and be grateful they have a good loving relationship. It's the rest of your life that counts not one day.

The80sweregreat · 05/11/2015 14:11

Its not about the day really, but what goes on afterwards and for them to have been married for 35 years speaks volumes.
I can see why your sad, but things are rarely like a disney film, they go wrong and people upset you. Its just life, they moved on and got on with their marriage. These days thats a real achievement i think, especially as others doubted they would stay together at all. It goes to show you can never tell in life whats going to happen!

bigbuttons · 05/11/2015 14:12

Why is this in AIBU and why are you even asking the question? Confused

Jux · 05/11/2015 14:21

Pootles, of course it's legal in England!

My parents' age difference was only 8 years, but their bfs had an 18yr difference. Both marriages were long and happy.

Yes, people these days often think that a large age difference is worrying, but it's no bar to happiness, just a small age difference is no bar to misery.

99percentchocolate · 05/11/2015 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/11/2015 14:27

I think things were a bit different 40 odd years ago (well 35)
I wouldn't be keen on the age gap as a mother either and have a dd aged 16 ATM but don't feel that's really the point here. I can see that maybe she chose a good way forward for her at the time - and of course with the benefit of hindsight as it seems to have worked out well in this case.
Some kind of nice day now, what's not to like, especially as it seems to be something DM has already mentioned?

Booyaka · 05/11/2015 14:27

It's legal to get married at 16/17 in England if you have written permission from a parent. As the OPs grandfather was okay with it presumably he would have given it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 05/11/2015 14:29

Aww, that's a nice offer 99 Smile

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/11/2015 14:30

even in the happiest circumstances, wanting your wedding day to be the 'best day of your life' is a) ridiculous and b) depressing because it will be all downhill from there!

specialsubject I'm so glad to hear someone else say that! I've always said or thought the same and people look at me as if they're scared I might just slit my wrists there and then Grin

ThisOldFool · 05/11/2015 14:34

Timeforaname, Your mum and dad have been married for 35 years and are still in love. That is beyond wonderful. That they want to renew their marriage vows speaks volumes about them and their love for each other. Go talk to your appropriate parson/priest/vicar and explain the circumstances of their original wedding and how they'd like to renew their vows, and ask for advice. You might just find a lady vicar more open, but I'm making a judgement about that. And a quiet celebration at a local pub or even macdonalds may be sufficient to mark the occasion for them. It's about thought and a bit of attention that makes it, iyswim. And take some credit yourself for being affected by the past and wanting to celebrate the present and the future. You're a daughter worth having!

ThisOldFool · 05/11/2015 14:42

Specialsubject & diPlump - What a sad couple you are. Timeforename, shared something deeply painful and you make comments like that. Or are you too, beyond parody?

formerbabe · 05/11/2015 14:44

In the grand scheme of life's injustices and disappointments, this would rank fairly low imo.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/11/2015 14:58

Look, I didn't say that they didn't have every right to be sad about the way the day went. It sounds like it was hard for time's mum and that is a shame - I am not disputing that. However, it's the bit that comes after the marriage that matters, and I hope that time's parents have had a wonderful life together.

I consider the phrase 'best day of your life' to be utterly silly though, and I stand by that. And I'm married!! I hope that day wasn't the pinnacle of my life, because when all's said and done it was a nice party with a big dress. However, it did have my loving family around. I imagine the important bit is that time's mum didn't feel loved and supported by her family at the time - that is the key factor that makes the day a special one. But now she's made her own family, maybe she can have that day she hoped for.

It's not about the money but the people and the love they show you - therefore time I imagine that if you got all the people your mum loves together in a hired church hall and dressed it up nicely yourselves and had a party, your mum would find that as lovely as any 5-figure wedding extravaganza.

Shutthatdoor · 05/11/2015 15:03

It's legal to get married at 16/17 in England if you have written permission from a parent. As the OPs grandfather was okay with it presumably he would have given it.

I think the OP says it was in Africa.

Pootles2010 · 05/11/2015 15:13

Yes sorry I missed that bit about it being in Africa - or rather, didn't quite get what OP meant.

I think the sort of 'Do' LaContessa describes sounds lovely - to me, 35 years of marriage is much better cause for celebration than an actual wedding!

contrary13 · 05/11/2015 15:14

My parents wedding day was conducted within 6 weeks of their first date (and no, I'm not kidding. Met and married within 6 weeks on a special license because they were both in the Army!). My older (half) brother - who was 5 at the time - was told by my grandparents that he'd never see my mother again, because she was getting married... so spent the entire wedding in floods of tears. Most of the photographs are of my mum bending down to cuddle and try to reassure him that she wasn't leaving him... and him in very obvious snotty-nosed tears.

She was also thought to be pregnant... only to give birth (to me) five years later (family joke is that I was the longest gestation ever!).

40 years later, my parents are still married. My older brother still has issues regarding the grandparents (as do I, but for different reasons). But they're happy, my parents. Which... is the main thing?

Original poster
Timeforanamechangey · 05/11/2015 15:36

Yes, the wedding was in southern Africa in the early 80's.

My parents have had a long and mostly happy marriage (obviously they went through their rough patches like anyone!) including the loss of a child.

I agree that it isn't necessarily the happiest day of your life but I just wish it could have been better for them although I suppose it isn't too important now.

I suppose really the biggest reason why it bothers me at all is because it upset my DM and I know she wishes it had been different - not necessarily perfect and glitzy but that she had the love and support of her friends and family which she didn't really have.

Agree that it would be nice to have a celebration of their (almost) 35 years of marriage. DM is due to have an operation soon but when she is recovered I will start planning - any ideas welcome!

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 05/11/2015 15:48

OP you sound lovely. Smile

My parents renewed they're vows at our local church and they had a party afterwards in the church hall,I think it came to under £800 and that was for the use of the church,the ceremony,the hall,food and drink(and we have a very large family)dressings and flowers for the tables,flowers for my Mum and new outfits and shoes for both parents.

It doesn't have to be expensive OP,lidl sell really lovely flowers that last along time as well for about £3 a bunch.Most of the supermarkets have got they're party/Christmas food in now and lots of them have special offers on.

Quite a few supermarkets now offer free hire of glasses now(wine,champagne,pint glasses ect)if the place you hire doesn't have enough.

You can pick up tablecloths,napkins,serving trays ect in the 99p and poundshops now as well.

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