To want to get a job

[UnitA]

I'm in the embarrassing situation of having never really worked. I had a admin job after leaving school for 5 years, went traveling for 3 years and then started my family and have been a SAHM since. I did work after my divorce but have since remarried and now have another preschooler.

I've been very lucky in that both husbands salary meant I could be a SAHM and it worked very well as I wanted to be home when the DC were small.

But.....I am so so so BORED. I don't want to say being a SAHM is boring but I've done it for over 10 years now and need something else. However nobody else wants me to go to work! My ex and I and my partner have a very, on the surface, complicated timetable of kids being hear there and everywhere and I'm the lynchpin of the whole thing. When I first mentioned I wanted to get a job they both kind of said oh that sounds good. But now I'm actually looking it's a different story. The main arguments seem to be

What will happen to current arrangements?

Why fix it if it ain't broke?

I'm not qualified to do anything/don't know what I want to do so the money I'll earn isn't worth the added hassle to everyone, childcare arrangements and what's the point in complicating an already complicated situation with the kids timetables and access arrangements.

The kids don't want me to go to work and like it the way it is.

We don't need the extra money so what's the point?

I can see what they are saying. I don't have a clue what if anything I could do for a job but I know I want to do something other than this!

I don't think I'm being U. But maybe I should wait until the kids are older?

It's not at all unreasonable to want another interest other than being at home all day with the children.

Have you thought of studying something at home via Open Univ maybe or of a job you can fit in around other commitments (like an avon lady or something)?

Why don't you initially look at some form of volunteering? This is likely to be more flexible to fit in with current arrangements, and would build your confidence in your own abilities. It would also give you a chance to see what you might want to do, and if it works for you and your family without making a big permanent commitment.

I said about volunteering. Same arguments, why pay for childcare when you won't even be making any money.

AVON etc is flooded around here and I don't think I have any sales skills!

I'd be happy with an office job, admin, customer service, receptionist etc

What is your motivation for wanting a job?
Money
Identity
Challenge
Get out of the house
New people
Learn new skills

Because whilst getting a job would tick most of those boxes, it's not the only thing that will. Other options:
Study
Volunteer
Setting up your own business.

I think perhaps working out what you want to do should be first and foremost on your list. Volunteering is a good way to find out, as is temping actually. You get to see a lot of workplaces in a short space of time and get a feel for what you like and what you dont. Or you could be a bit more old fashioned and see if you could get some work experience somewhere.

And BTW working for 5 years before you started travelling and a family sounds like proper work to me! So you have had a job, you have 5 years' worth of experience. It just needs updating that's all.

x post. Does your little one go to nursery or preschool? How much time does that give you a week? Could you go out one evening a week when your DH is home to look after the kids?

I think before writing off ideas like volunteering you should look at whats available. No one expects volunteers to do fulltime hours. Have a look at [www.do-it.org.uk] to see what's available where you are.

Stop throwing up problems before they've even occurred. Cross every bridge as and when you come to it.

So basically their argument is that they like having you around to run after them and they don't want to have the inconvenience of you actually having your own life and interests? The way things are now suits them just fine and they don't care if it doesn't suit you?

I started work just recently after being a SAHM/ carer for 16 years.

I love that I have something to do just for me and it feels great to earn my own money. It has done my confidence the world of good and I feel great.

I do 24 hours a week.

Go for it OP!

How old is your preschool child? Do they actually attend preschool. You could definitely fit volunteering around those few hours you have free. If you have a local Surestart children's centre I would start there. There are lots of opportunities to help our with things, some of which you would be able to take your child along with you.
It doesn't sound as though it will be long until your littlest will be in school and you'll be able to be more flexible about working.

How old is your youngest, OP? Sorry if I missed it.

Answer to a) - yes, you do need (You AND your partner!) to work out what would happen to current arrangements if you were not longer available to be the lynchpin. Do take some confidence from the fact that you already do an unpaid, long hours job very well indeed.

B) it is broke, because you're not happy with the arrangements. That gives you as much reason as any other family member to look for a change.

If your DH came home and said he was fed up with his well paid but stressful job, would you say 'well living on your earnings works fine for me and the kids, so why change it?' I doubt it.

Agree with pps that it sounds worth having a think about whether you would be happiest in the long run getting a lower skilled, lower paid job now, or improving your skills through training, study, volunteering, whatever.

Good luck

Well done for staying at home for so long, especially with pre-school aged kids repeatedly! I had big age gaps and would probably not have ever gone back to work if I could have got them all to school close to each other as I would then have been able to stay at home and do things for me, rather than constantly managing a young child, I needed time out!!!

So, in answer to your question yes of course it's understandable you want to work!

In terms of all the juggling and transport, it's a tricky one. I have coped with that by working very flexible hours - I don't work outside school hours at all so can facilitate all the activities for the older children. I can also be flexible to come and go to take them places during the school day if necessary - or get to school events. I may need to increase my hours one day a week due to the needs of the job but I am happy to pay for the right childcare (i.e. someone who can collect from school and take them where they need to be - my eldest is totally refusing to go to an after-school club and to be honest I don't want to make her as I don't see why she should suffer for my decision!).

I was lucky that I qualified and worked before having children so had options for a job to return to part-time and flexibly. You may struggle in that respect although what about a school admin job or GP surgery or similar?

This has made me a bit angry. The situation IS broke as you're unhappy with it! Yanbu a million times over.

My main motivation is a sense of some kind of identity other than MUM.

I hate people asking me what I do. I never minded before but now I'm really sensitive to it, it seems like as soon as you say SAHM they tune out as if you couldn't possibly have anything interesting to add to the conversation.

So, a sense of achieving something (I know DC are an achievement) but I don't want to just live through them! New experiences, meeting new people and a sense of contributing to the family.

I have studied, I did an access course a year ago which I loved. I started a degree course but hated it. I always thought I would love uni but it wasn't really for me and then I got pregnant.

If I could do anything I would like to do something research based as that is the part of studying I loved.

I do work sort of as I do all DPs admin for his company. But I can do that with my eyes closed.

Youngest is 6 months so I don't want to work full time at the moment but a small part job would be lovely.

So you do work! In the nicest possible way I want to give you A bit of a shake! You minimise and dismiss all of your work! You have a baby and still doing the admin for your dh. thats no mean feat. Youre friggin awesome. Any employer would be lucky to have you.

Get a job.

They have to step up.

You are not the servant. You are allowed to work for your own sanity.

How will you ever get to a situation where your earnings are "worth it" if you never get a chance to build your career and get experience?

Stop seeking permission. Just get a job.

What will happen to current arrangements?
What do they suggest? Other than for you bury your own desires so that they are not inconvenienced? Are they not parents too?