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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a 2 year olds tantrum can't be stopped by telling them off?

17 replies

jellyjiggles · 04/11/2015 12:44

I'm very . It seems my DF who I usually get on with extremely well thinks my dd has complete control over me.

This morning he's told me that I'm too soft, dd is a brat and I need to control my children . I got upset and he said "look what she's doing to you!". What he doesn't know is I've just gone into anti-depressants for recurring depression.

He's done this on the back of our visit to his house where dd decided to have a tantrum in the hallway and I attempted to distract her. It didn't work so I left her to scream for a bit, tried again and apparently this is giving in to her!? I call this attempting to diffuse a tantrum while in someone else's house.

According to my dad I should control her through discipline. He said she gets everything she wants. She doesn't! He believes in smacking and being sent to your room. I don't hit my children and a toddler isn't developmentally able to control their emotions to just stop having a tantrum. Can you really send a 2 year old to their room?

I do pick my battles. As a sahm I'm not willing to live a miserable life of screaming kids more than I have to.

He's left me pretty pissed off but questioning whether I can do a better job.

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 04/11/2015 12:46

Sounds like you handled it right to me. He should butt out.

ProfessorPickles · 04/11/2015 12:50

Sounds like you did the right thing, you know your child and what does and doesn't work.
Smacking and sending to their room at 2 is ridiculous. I don't believe in it at any age, but like you say at that age they haven't yet gained control over their emotions.

I would have done the same with my 2 year old, I always attempt to explain the situation to him then distract. If that doesn't work I give him a minute to have a paddy and let his frustration out!

Don't let what he has said make you feel insecure OP

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/11/2015 12:52

I'd go with your approach first. Ignore him and nod

DisappointedOne · 04/11/2015 12:53

Tantrums are an emotional response and shouldn't be punished. They aren't being naughty, they aren't emotionally equipped to deal with their feelings. They need patience and understanding, not distraction or time out. You're both BU.

DisappointedOne · 04/11/2015 12:54

www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/positive-parenting-in-the-tantrum-zone/

BluePancakes · 04/11/2015 12:55

Yep, you did the right thing.

I find I have to Smile and Nod at some of my parents' parenting ideas...

Fugghetaboutit · 04/11/2015 12:55

My ds just tantrumed harder if I got angry or emotional. Best thing was to stay calm and be present - if we were out we would leave.

PittacusLore · 04/11/2015 12:56

You're doing exactly what you should be with your 2 year old. Now apply the same approach to your father; wait till he's finished ranting and change the subject (ignore and redirect).

And maybe visit a little less often.

IndridCold · 04/11/2015 12:56

You cannot reason with a tantrumming two year old, it's pointless trying to engage. You just have to wait it out, making sure they don't damage anything - including themselves.

We got to the stage of putting up the travel cot/playpen in the spare room, and when DS lost it we just put him in there until it passed. We always made it clear that he wasn't being punished and we weren't cross with him. In the end, he used to ask to be put in there when he got in a state because he knew it as somewhere safe and quiet where he could calm himself down in his own time. Obviously you cannot do this in someone else's house.

Cardbordeaux · 04/11/2015 12:59

I handle tantrums like you do - distract and if that doesn't work then I disengage and leave it to fizzle out on its own. I did this with my elder two DC, currently doing it with toddler DC3, and I do it in my work as a CM. Nine times out of ten, if you react negatively to a tantrum you're just going to fuel it further so why prolong it?

There are members of our family who are a bit old fashioned in this respect. DS1 has behavioural and sensory issues and step-FIL thinks a good hiding will cure him of it.

A firm "this is what works for us, thanks" and then ignore. You know you're doing good what works for you.

Original poster

jellyjiggles · 04/11/2015 13:04

Thanks. I'm so cross. The other problem I have is he can't stand crying kids so I do try to calm her down when he's around.

His comments today of 'that's just temper. You need to knock that out of her.'

She's a person ffs. Not a bloody robot to program and control.

OP posts:

PastaLaFeasta · 04/11/2015 13:10

Sounds like my dad who wasn't as hands on as my DH, mum did most childcare/housework. He did hit us and was verbally unkind/abusive even. Ignore and continue as you are. Although I do tell my dad off, even tell him to F off if he's being a total arse - he's getting the message. But he's also in denial we didn't have a perfect childhood.

plantsitter · 04/11/2015 13:15

What everyone else said plus don't forget:

He probably didn't have all that much to do with you at that age (admittedly a MASSIVE assumption)

People forget. They think they don't but they do. I realised the other day (when someone asked me for advice) that I have completely forgotten any details of potty training and my youngest is only 4! So advice from people who raised their kids 20 plus years ago is not necessarily accurate.

Keep doing what you're doing and ignore the old (lovely I'm sure) geezer.

bronnie98 · 04/11/2015 18:08

Promoting violence on tiny children who can't control their massive emotions (I can't control mine some days!) :( what is wrong with people?

Qwertybynature · 04/11/2015 18:16

You absolutely did the right thing. I read that tantrums have peaks and troughs, if you start trying to do something when they are at a peak it will prolongue the tantrum.

Getting angry, shouting using any form of punishiment is counter-productive IMO, most tantrums are because the toddler cannot process their emotions. Parents teach their kids nothing if they stand there and scream back.

for you OP, you sound like you're doing a great job. I also have a two year old, its hard going at times.

CuttedUpPear · 04/11/2015 18:17

I'm sure that you're doing a great job.
I remember my DF being similarly impatient with my DCs when they were small tantrummers.
I always tried to remember that he had done his (hands off) parenting in a different age and generation when corporal punishment was still pretty common.

I felt that DF's foremost feelings were to wish me the least bother possible so he thought he was protecting me against the little darlings' excesses.

I'm sure your DF's heart is in the right place even though his techniques are outdated.

laundryeverywhere · 04/11/2015 18:34

When it comes to a tantrum the important thing is to not make it a big deal. Turning it into a power battle is the worst thing. You want to make sure it doesn't pay off in terms of getting something she is tantrumming for or by getting a lot of attention. Even telling her off and spanking her would be attention, albeit negative, it would lead to a big scene. Then you would feel bad and spend ages cuddling her till she felt better. I think the best response is what you did. Little kids will tantrum and it doesn't have to be the end of the world if you don't let it upset you.
I think the best response to your Dad is to say thanks for being concerned about me, but I am confident with my method of dealing with tantrums and behaviour.

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