Does this sound okay?

[squiggleirl1]

Another in-law thread!!!

I have never really got on great with DHs in-laws. I love their son, but he is different to them, and over the years is realising that they are not as fabulous as they think they are. Part of the problems I've had with them is, as I have been repeatedly been told by them, is that I don't do things the way they would, and if I do things my way they see it as a slight on them.

So anyway, I sense trouble brewing, and I just wanted to check if my approach (which DH agrees with) is reasonable in more impartial people's eyes.

DH and I both have siblings who got married in the past year. DHs sibling is now expecting their first child. We have 3 kids, and are done having our family. We spoke with his sibling and said that if they liked, we'd go through all our baby things and pass on equipment and clothes to them. They jumped at this, and said they'd take everything. I said I'd put together a list of what they were welcome to have, and to let me know whatever they wanted off of that.

The thing is, I don't want to give everything to DHs sibling, as I have a sibling who would also like to have kids, and a year isn't a long time for it not to have happened yet, and I'd also like to be able to pass on some things to them.

So this is what I planned (In fairness to DH, he agreed with what I suggested too):

• Anything my parents bought for our kids, I keep to pass on to my sibling's kids
• Anything DHs parents bought, I pass on to DHs sibling.
• Anything we bought we roughly split, and I don't mind if DHs sibling gets more as her baby will be born first, and who knows what will happen for my sibling.
• Big equipment like cot and changing table, we give to DHs sibling.

I thought this was a great deal for DHs sibling. They get the big items and clothes that we bought, and anything her parents bought for our kids.

But trouble's brewing. They've asked about our travel system. I explained my parents bought that for us before DC1 was born, and that I'd like to hang on to it in case my sibling would like it one day. I thought that explanation would be enough, but since that conversation, twice we've been told about how expensive travel systems are, and MIL has also asked about us giving DHs sibling ours.

The other thing is, my parents adore our kids. They're very hands-on grandparents, and my kids have a fabulous relationship with them. My parents are very fortunate to be able to buy them lovely clothes, and my Mum has bought them fabulous things over the years that DH and I are really appreciative of.

My ILs have been less-so like this. They used to buy clothes for our kids, but in the past few years,rarely do. They have other grandkids that they do buy for, just not ours.

Since finding out about the baby, ILs have been talking about the lovely clothes that our kids have, and how they'll be passed on to the baby. But they won't. My Mum bought them, for my kids, and if any other child is going to wear them, then it should be another of her grandchildren. They're even talking about getting the clothes my Mum knitted for my kids, which seems really grabby to me, as they are really special to me.

Is what I was planning unreasonable?

OP, have you spoken to your sibling/parents and found out whether or not they would like the travel system to be kept for them? Once you've found out whether or not they'd like it, you can decide what to do with it (and maybe your parents could store things in their loft?).

What you are offering is more than generous.

They are grabby.

And agree with Sirzy's:

"well that is fine then, I am sure I can find other people who will be greatful for what is on offer, please don't feel obliged to take anything"

YANBU! You are being generous in giving them stuff for free, you don't have to give them everything. How were they planning on supporting this baby before you offered to give them anything, since they're now complaining they can't afford the travel system etc? They are BU and very grabby!

I would spell out what you are prepared to give them, what you are not and that if they don't agree with this then they don't get anything. It might make things awkward but otherwise they will just keep pushing for more. It's sad some people are like that rather than being grateful for your generous offer. It sounds like if you let this go there would still be other issues in future.

Thanks for all your replies. I was beginning to doubt myself. It was SIL who first approached me about passing on baby stuff. It was then I told her I'd go through all our stuff, put together a list, and she was welcome to anything she liked off of that. From the start she knew she was not getting everything.

She mentioned the travel system at a later date, I explained what my plan was, but since then it's been brought up a couple of times.

The reason MIL has been involved, is DHs sister and husband live with them, so whenever we see one, we see the other.

I've spoken to my Mum about the things she bought my kids (It's a bit hard to ask a sibling exactly what the timeframe for planning a family is, so I've not spoken to them). She has said she'd like it if anything we were thinking of passing on that she and my Dad had initially bought, was passed on to my sibling's future kids. She has two thoughts about the travel system: 1 - that my sibling might like it, or 2 - it could be something she keeps at her house for other future grandkids, so she could take them for walks etc. She already has in mind if my sibling wants our travel system, they'd buy a cot as a gift instead. She has also asked that I not give anything she knitted away, and I can understand why.

If pil have other grandkids, what are those patents contributing to your DH's sibling?
Nothing as fas as I know. Their kids are older than ours, and all their things were sold when they were finished with them (for what it's worth, they never offered any of it to us, or asked if we would like to buy it from them, including things PIL bought for them)

The other thing to clarify is that it's not a case of DHs family don't have money and mine do. DHs family are far better off than mine, they just choose not to spend it on our kids. Their other grandchildren are older than ours, and it's always clear they are the priority. They get far more gifts than ours at Christmas, clothes are bought for them during the year, but not for ours, etc. I'm trying to not let this colour this situation, but I don't see why they think I should hand over things my parents bought for our kids, so their grandchildren can have them.

I wish I were over-thinking this, but trouble is brewing on this. I'm not doing things the way they think it should be done, and the problem will be with me. Sadly, they've got form for this.

So then you have to detach a little. Your husband should go to visit with the children; you're not obliged to go.

If these were friends who were behaving selfishly then you'd avoid them, wouldn't you? It's no different if it's family, particularly if it's in laws.

Problem solved then ,just tell them that you no longer have the travel system as you gave it back to your parents .

So basically those items were on loan from the GP to you and your dc for as long as you needed them and now they have been returned. Or at least that's the story. Repeat as necessary!

are they going on about the travel system being expensive because they know that their offspring is skint, and your sibling is rich? If not, that's bloody unreasonable.

Here's an angle that might help: I told various members of my family that I was going to try and have a baby on my own (eggs running out and no man on the scene), they know I'm skint. The first lot of treatment didn't work, so one family member promptly gave away her old baby stuff to another family member, who is rich compared to me, not just financially, but also in terms of access to free sperm (from her husband. With whom she had a massive posh wedding). It takes a lot to get to me but obviously this didn't make me feel like she had faith that i would get pregnant and was also, clearly, unfair on a really straightforward financial level. Thankfully, once again, my friends have stepped in to fill that void left by my family, and they've provided the kit needed.

good luck, it sounds like crap you shouldn't have to deal with xxxx

Selective hearing. Ignore anything that doesn't fit with the plan

"Travel systems are so expensive"
" yes they arent they. '

Don't rise to the bait

trian, I'm really sorry to hear you had to go through that and I'm glad you finally got your baby, but I don't see why your relative should have kept the gear away from someone who definitely needed it imminently for someone who might or might not have needed it in the further future. However skint you are, you're still not entitled to someone else's stuff, especially as there was the chance you might not have needed it.

Which does not mean OP owes anyone anything. It's her stuff, she can give or keep it as she chooses.

Some friends who gave us some baby goods have just asked for some of it back as they realised they still need it. It's theirs and they were under no obligation to give it to us. We are dropping it back off tonight.

the problem will be with me. Sadly, they've got form for this.

That's good news in a way. They make unreasonable demands and think you are a cow for not going along with them. You can't win so there is no point trying to avoid the trouble brewing. Just do exactly what you want with no regard to how upset they will be.

I have unreasonable family members. Show any weakness and you are dead meat. Stay firm, show no sign that you give any fucks whatsoever that they think you are a big meanie. It actually makes life easier in the long run.

Your DH should be dealing with any fallout not you anyway.

Could you not offer the travel system on the proviso when your sibling needs it, they have to return it? .... although the fact you have already tactfully refused them a few times and they aren't listening makes me think you'll never see your travel system again.

Trian, was the person they gave the stuff to actually pregnant?

Given how entitled and grabby and ungrateful they are, I suspect that they wouldn't give the travel system back; they'd keep it for a future child.

You are being very generous OP and will be saving them a lot of money. Don't let unreasonable people make you feel bad. When we had a baby we were prepared to buy everything ourselves, anything anyone gave was a bonus!

Wow, so they were the ones who suggested you give them stuff? That makes it even worse!