I don't think I've done too much wrong

[YouKnowNothingRickGrimes]

This may be a long one but it's necessary so as not to drip feed.

Married 3.5 years, together for 6, 2 DCs ages 2 and 5. After the birth of my first there were many complications which has resulted in our sex life never going back to the way it was before. Think lots of pain and abdominal swelling. It has got progressively worse and now endometriosis has been thrown into the mix. Honestly, if it were totally up to me I would never bother with sex again as usually we have to stop anyway due to my pain ( although o rare occasions we end up having random pain free sex which is great).

Anyway, the point is that we haven't had sex in a good few weeks due to my period, me working long hours and crashing out when I get home etc plus I do try to put it off because of the possible pain. I am affectionate in other ways as much as I can but its affecting my marriage and my husband is very resentful of me, I can tell.

If you're still here well done! So last night I crash out on the sofa after a long weekend of working 13hrs both days and am woken up briefly by him when he's going to bed. He is rude and swearing about how he was expecting us to get close tonight but obv not now. He storms upstairs and I drift back to sleep. Then I'm woken up at what I think was 12am by him bringing our 5 year old into the living room as she has woken him up and is sick. Because he is in a pissy mood and he's tired I get left to look after "my fucking child" because he has work. (I do too but that doesn't matter right because I only work part time so it doesn't count). I have been up all night with a vomiting child who would only sleep for a short while in our bed between vom episodes and all my husband has done this morning is point out how tired he will be at work, how all I care about is the children and not him and that I am basically a shit mother. Am I missing something?

I think your DH reacted badly because things had built up for him.
He is interpreting the problem as your lack of love for him and feeling rejected and you are doing your best to do all you have to do but trying to avoid intimacy?
You both need to talk properly about this.
It is not just him being vile as some people are saying. It doesn't sound like either of you are being honest about how you feel. He is resenting and bottling it up and you are avoiding and expecting him to understand.

Of course he should be showing you consideration and be understanding but perhaps it seems, to him, that the situation is never ending and he is feeling frustrated and unloved.
There are many ways to be intimate without penetrative sex but you need to talk about it.

Sorry - I just noticed you said you do have discussions about it. Perhaps counselling for you both could help?
It is bloody difficult when you have differing needs sexually.

Great post malice I completely agree. Its just as common that women complain about lack of sex (especially reading these boards).
However unless OPs husband is living in a cave he must know of her difficulties and that she is trying to resolve them.
Out of pure nosiness did you resolve your issues?

Thanks malice for that generally very insightful post. The "affection that sex gives you" is, I'm sure, very important, and it must be hard thinking your partner doesn't care about you.

However, in this case, it seems clear that the OP has really difficulties with sex, and so he must know that this is not about her not caring about him, not wanting to in an affectionate relationship etc.

Also "your fucking child" was a horrendous thing to say. In front of the child especially.

It does sound like he is being really selfish her. Both for thinking about his wants before the OP's comfort and putting his need for sleep so far above hers.

Also, I find there's nothing like plenty of sleep to put you in the mood for sex, and nothing like sleep deprivation for putting you off it!

You really need to talk about this in a way that allows him to actually hear you.

Yes it's all very well him being upset and hurt etc, and I do have sympathy for him, but somehow you've become the gatekeeper for sex, and he's turned into this person that is stripping you won't 'give him sex', which quite frankly, is shit.

I don't think he can really understand what he's doing, if he's in other ways a great partner, as what he's basically saying is:

'poor you, I'll take things slow and be understanding...'
Except youre on a timer for this behavior and oh no, it's run out and he's going to storm and rage and have a tantrum, until he forces you to do something which hurts you. To show you love him. And it only that, I can bet he wouldn't be ok with you showing it hurts or you're not turned on or find it unpleasant, as that wouldn't be giving him what he wants, so to put it directly:

He wants to hurt you and you must fake enjoying it.

Clearly that's not ok, and it's very sad for both of you being in this situation, and I don't think he should just 'suck it up', but I do think his selfish toddler tantrums need to stop. Now.

Does he not understand that he's breaking your relationship each time he behaves like this?

You need to talk as PP have said, about everything.

But he also really needs to know that there is NOTHING less sexy than a man who's petulant because you won't fuck him. Like, nothing.

Thanks for replying everyone. I've lost count of the amount of times my husband and I have sat down and talked about this situation. It usually ends in him apologising for being a twat and me promising to be more affectionate. Then the cycle continues all over again. I do feel sorry for him at times. We are only in our mid to late twenties and I think it's a lot to get his head around that we may never have a 'normal' sex life like the one we used to. That doesn't mean I'm excusing his twattiah behaviour as I'm more ha aware of how unreasonable he is being.

miscellaneous you are totally right about me being the gatekeeper for sex and I hate that. But it sums the situation up completely. I hate that I can be totally in the mood but have to turn down his advances because I just know that it will end up with me in pain and possibly in tears.

If you have endometriosis going off a BFF who had it, its so, so painful: but once scanned, they recommended she stay on the pill for year with no breaks to give her womb a rest. It made a huge difference. I hope you sort it ... He sounds unsupportive. Maybe when you are feeling better you need to reassess your relationship.

Donaji I moved out briefly. It allowed us both to "cool off" and when I cam back, I found that I was just totally indifferent towards my wife. It maybe (at the time) came across as being passive agressive, but I assure you, it was nothing of the sort - I'd just stopped seeing her that way. Oddly enough, I was very relieved. Things went back to 'normal' but then I realised that the dynamic in the relationship had changed. Suddenly (though I didn't realise it at the time) my wife started to do all of the chasing. I was happy to keep things on an even keel (as I thought that's what she wanted) but she had the foresight to see that we were heading for trouble.

I think she struggled with not having the power over me that she did have (though I'm not sure if this is something I imagined afterwards) but we had got to the point where I acknowledged (rightly) that we would march to the beat of the slowest drum. She decided she didn't want to bang it, I decided to stop marching. We walked to the very edge. We've now settled into some easy truce. I still have my moments, but I'm much more adept at recognising them. My wife is also much more 'in tune' with that side of things. We're not "cured" but we manage much better now. It took compromise and work from both sides.

Im so glad you found some peace malice
and I'm very sorry OP for the digression. I hope that you also get some resolution to this. Good luck with the procedures for the endometriosis.

Thanks. To me, that's a big part of a relationship (compromise). I know it's sometimes difficult, but we all have to do the best we can. It's often (necessarily) imperfect; but I pop up here just to try and sometimes give/suggest another point of view. Quite often on here, the husband doesn't get as fair hearing (I'm not saying its the case here). I marvel at the seemingly perfect relationships many on here have - where neither they nor their partners ever say or do anything out of character!

This isn't someone who is withholding sex because of power or because she has gone off it. This is someone whom sex leaves in gasping agony, not just during the deed but for hours or days afterwards.

OP, I'd strongly recommend counselling for you both, possible from a specialist sex therapist. I was in the same boat as you - dreadful endo throughout my 20s and we stopped having sex because of it. We're not married any more.

Look into hormone treatments that stop or pause your cycle. I have a Mirena coil. It gave me my life back.

" but I pop up here just to try and sometimes give/suggest another point of view. Quite often on here, the husband doesn't get as fair hearing"

How kind of you, malice, to take time out of your busy man-life to come here and tell us why we're wrong.

Oh give over imust ffs.

How about the 'affection' that having a partner who understands that you are in pain and struggling brings? instead of resenting you for being ill, kicks you when you are already down (metaphorically speaking) and makes what is already horrific pain worse?

my ex started out understanding for a bit, then became resentful and then because nasty and abusive and fall out called me a liar. all down to the fact he didn't get enough sex. never mind the fact i looked after our children, our home, him, showed him love in other ways. in between no less than 7 surgeries in a two year period followed by years of undiagnosed pain and exhaustion.

my sympathy for his poor neglected cock wore thin.

I'm disabled, suffer from chronic pain and am tired all the time. Both pregnancies caused me too much pain to even consider sex for at least the last five months, followed by a newborn phase with one difficult baby and one fucking impossible baby where I struggled to get enough sleep to survive. I think we must have gone the best part of a year without sex both times. However, there was never a case of DH nagging me for sex and me turning him down all the time. We both agreed that it really sucked and we were looking forward to getting back to it. A couple of years down the line and we're back on track.

You need to both be on the same side with this problem. Okay, so penetration is a big problem for you right now but there's plenty of other stuff you can do. He also needs to understand that if he keeps treating you like he did you're not going to want to shag him.

Youknow his behavior is beyond an exscuse!

I had an awful time when I had our 5th DC and she was my husbands 1st child.

About a year after having our DD I became seriously ill and disabled and our youngest DD now 8 is autistic and disabled as well and our 14 year old DS is autistic and has dyspraxia(our 14 year old DS and 12 year old DD don't know they're Father and as far as they know DH is they're Dad)I suffered a rare form of brain damage,when I was at my worst health wise I couldn't see properly,I couldn't talk properly and my husband was the only one that could understand me,I couldn't feed myself,wash myself,brush my teeth,shave my legs,go to the toilet on my own.It was like my DH had a newborn baby that was the size of a 33 year old women to look after.

I can do those things now but my health has got so much worse.My husband is Dad as far as all of our 5DC,my DH and myself are concerned.He looks after all of us,he is carer to our 2DC that are disabled and myself.

Before I became ill and disabled I'd always had a ridiculously high sex drive,far higher than my husbands and than he was used to.But since everything that's happened with my health we can go 2 months at least without sex.But you know what he's never tried to push for sex,he's never complained and he's never played the emotional abuse card that your husband did the other night.

Your husband has acted like my ex husband did,he used to force me to have sex with his bad moods and threats and emotional abuse.I could never go back to a relationship like that,I know if I stayed with him I'd of ended my life.

I hope they can sort the pain out for your sake,endless pain is emotionally,mentally and physically exhausting.Your husband needs a good kick up the arse from what you've said.You need support,love and understanding.He really needs to step up.

I've just noticed OP that you put about your ages,I was 33 when this happened to us but my husband is 7 years younger than me so he was only 26 so please don't think age has anything to do with it,it doesn't have to.

I think it's terrible what the OP is going through. I can try and empathise as to the medical side of things - but it's not something I can really comment on. I don't doubt though that it's unplesant, and I can see it adds an extra dimension. That said, the OP (as far as I can tell) has received some practical advice and (rightly) lots of sympathy. I'm just here to try and give the benefit of my own (unplesant) experience and perhaps suggest that the husband isn't the monster that you might believe him to be.

Imust Just so you know, you're the very WORST of it.

Good luck OP. I don't think I've much more to add.

I can actually see where Malice is coming from. I know my husband isn't a monster and I know that is a good man. He has been unsupportive and selfish about the whole situation and tonight I intend to sit down and discuss counselling for both of us. I don't know, I've had a while to think about it and really we are married and in this together and as much as the pain is all mine and I need him to understand that, he is having shitty feelings about it and I would be just as bad as him if I didn't recognise that and try to work through it