To not apologise to my DM

[prettyknackered]

I'm in my 20s and if I fall out with dp I often tell my dm and dd about it

Sorry accidentally hit send hang on still typing..

Still don't know abbreviations properly yet so by dm I mean mum and dd I meant dad but realise those means daughter. Anyway so il go to my parents for a listening ear and just for some support, but instead of listening they spin what I'm saying to make it offend them, they will catastrophize everything and make everything in my relationship sound shit, then they will tell other people in the family about my what I told them about in confidence, and this really hurts me and I feel like I can't trust them anymore. So I asked her yesterday to not tell other people if I come to her upset b/c if I wanted them to know I would tell them myself. I don't want to tell everyone or everyone knowing my business, she refused and said that's my choice but that doesn't mean she has to do the same. This is my personal life that she's gossiping about to my aunties and her neighbor, it puts dh in a really bad light b/c then everyone forever hates him. I know I decided to tell my parents but I thought they would respect me if I asked them to not spread it round.

On top of this, I tried to explain to my mum that I can't talk to them anymore b/c they never just support me and it makes me feel worse, thing is I told her this b/c I want to be able to speak to them but she just told me not to bother then. I don't have anyone else to speak to though so when I'm really down I automatically go to my parents but then regret it straight after. It's a horrible cycle and it's got worse since I had my daughter b/c my mum tells me 'you don't want her to end up like you do you' and 'I think you've got post natal depression'

She always makes out there's something wrong with me when I'm just upset. I told her I remember when I was younger and used to go to her with things that bothered me but she would brush it off call me over sensitive, told me to grow up, and stop over reacting. This really damaged my confidence so I used to not bother and stay in my room then she would call me a hermit all the time. Then when I finally broke down she would tell me I'm mental and my dad assume on drugs (I've never had drugs in my life). I was explaining to her yesterday that I have low confidence and I think it stems from that, she told me to stop slating them as parents and blaming them for how I turned out. I wasn't trying to do that, everyone I explain my feelings she jumps on the defence and now she just insults my parenting skills telling me I will make my dd wierd. I'm so frustrated and on top of all this she's constantly complaining she doesn't see my dd enough, she saw her two days ago! She sees her a lot more than dps parents but it's never enough, she's always ignoring me when I tell her how dd likes things and what she doesn't, she does her own thing then wonders why my dd is still crying, I feel like she doesn't respect me as a person and it's really dragging me down. She text me afterwards saying 'I hope u realise how your remarks and behaviour has really upset both me and ur dad. We dont deserve to be treated like crap by u. U need to remember how important ur nan was to u . I never put any restrictions on your grandparents . U need to take responsibility for the way u are instead of blaming other people .' I feel like I'm going crazy is it me in the wrong or her. My heads so messed up

You need to stop telling your parents when you fall out with your DP. I'd be furious and upset if DH involved his mother in our arguments.

The rest of the stuff, she doesn't sound very kind or supportive

Prettyknackered - sorry you're having a hard time.

My initial thought would be that you should seek relationships with people your own age rather than always confiding in your mother. She doesn't sound like she has the mose advanced skills in navigating relationships - she probably isn't being intentionally horrible, she may just not understand. Many parents don't really know how to provide a listening ear or useful support, but feel frustrated and lash out at their kids when the kids make it clear that things aren't working. You may well get more useful responses from Mumsnet.

Also - do you have much support generally? Your partner? Friends? Sympathetic health visitor, GP? Counsellor? Do you get any time on your own to be you, rather than always being your DD's mummy? You may find that all of these things help.

My other initial thought would be that if you wrote a much shorter, more precise post, and put it in Relationships rather than AIBU, you'll probably get much more sympathetic and helpful responses (AIBU can be a bit of a nest of vipers at times). I'd guess the main points would be that you're in a negative cycle of repeatedly seeking support and being brushed off/not listened to, and this extends to your mother's treatment of your daughter (not listening to you about what to do with your DD).

Good luck.

Also - I agree - it's not really fair on your DP if you tell your parents about it every time you fall out with him!

Your mum doesn't sound very nice to be quite honest. Personally I would stop wanting and hoping that she will magically change into someone who is loving and supportive. There is little to no point rehashing an unhappy childhood with a partner who thinks they did nothing wrong. Do you think that because you tell her things she doesn't want to hear that she will suddenly be prepared to validate you and show compassion? It's highly unlikely and she will just delve deeper into this defensive behaviour.

Regarding your relationship. Stop taking to them about it. I know the frustration of having a fight with DP and needing to vent to someone. Vent on here if you have no one else in real life.

Regarding your dd (daughter), the whole way through your post I was waiting for you to say 'she says she never sees her'.. This is classic manipulation and if your mother is as passive aggressive as she sounds I would limit contact. Whilst she hopefully not want to hurt (emotionally) your dd there is scope here for dd to become a pawn to be used to get to you. If my mum called me a shit mum I would never speak to her again. Simple as that.

You sound like you have no confidence, no. Self esteem. How is your home life? Is so supportive, loving, kind?
Do you have many friends?
Perhaps ask GP for access to some sort of counselling service, just for someone to talk to that is totally impartial if you think it might help

Re read my post and he bit about mum sounds mean and judgemental. It's not.
I've had years of struggles with my mum. There is an endless power struggle in play with mum and what's weird is that as a kid/teenager I wasn't vying for power with her.
There was a demanded level of respect, which outweighed my right to be an individual and form individual likes/dislikes etc. (If she bought me something that i simply did not like or want or would not use I was ungrateful and rude. But if I didn't like it I wasn't going to wear it. Doesn't make you ungrateful)
So I'm not being harsh, I'm speaking from experience.

I have 2 DC, 3&1 and since having 3yr old dd I have had to really force myself to lower my expectations. I just say a lot of 'OK' to her orders suggestions of how I raise my DC. And I have learned a few mumsnet phrases that enable me to stand up for myself without causing fights.
I have also had it out with her and then stated 'it's all said now. You didn't like me, neither did I. But it's said, thoughts won't change and I think we can either move forward together or go our separate ways if we can't find MUTUAL respect now, seeing as we are BOTH mothers' and I have to say she has toed the line a bit more.
Maybe I'm lucky.

Agree with previous poster as well. Have this moved to relationships. It's not a proper AIBU post. Replies will be more to the point and nicer in relationships

NoArmaniNoPunani - I know I need to stop venting to her, dp and I were both telling our parents, except dps mum is very laid back, realises when an argument is just n argument, and doesn't hate me for it. We've both agreed to stop telling them if we have fall outs

magnificatAnimaMea - you're right, I will use mums net more often if I just need to vent as this will stop my mum from being able to say anything bad about my dp, and stop her from gossiping about it. I guess I've always craved for my mum to understand me and be there for me and I increasingly find myself trying to explain what I mean repeatedly and going round in circles b/c she's offended.
My dp is supportive and I go to him with everything, it's only if we have an argument that I need someone else to vent to b/c I'm upset with him. Sadly friends are few and far between for many reasons, mostly due to not having much confidence. Hv is aware I'm anxious and have little support from friends and family aside from dp and I'm able to talk to her about whatever I need to. When my dp comes home I sometimes go to relax in the bath but that's the only me time really, I actually don't like being away from dd so this feels like all I need to be honest.
I'm never sure where to post things, I kept accidentally pressing send and I find it hard to shorten but you're exactly right about the main points

MrsDeathOfRats - that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing, endlessly trying to get her support and understanding, I just thought if I gave her an example (from childhood) then she would understand why I feel this way but she continues to dismiss my feelings to this day. I really wanted a close relationship with my mum, is there nothing I can do about this?
Ive never thought of my mum as a manipulator but maybe you're right. She says these horrible things like not wanting dd to turn out like me, but at the same time will tell me how proud she is and how well I'm doing with dd, it really messes with my head and I don't know where I am with her. At the same time she complains b/c I don't accept help ie give her dd so I can clean but that's b/c I genuinely don't need it, I've been able to keep on top of cleaning and I want to look after dd myself.
I don't have any confidence or self esteem, as far as I can remember I've felt like this. Dp is brilliant, we have arguments like everyone and it's those times when I need support and couldn't speak to anyone but my mum. I don't have many friends, I've only ever had one at a time and can't seem to keep them. I did consider counselling I've found myself starting to close up again and not wanting to open up anymore. Il move to relationship now thank you

Yep, I never let my parents know anything that me and DH argue about. It's not their business and it's not fair to stick them in the middle. I don't want them to have a slanted view of him. They are completely oblivious to the fact that we've seriously considered a divorce and just now coming out of a rocky patch, and that's how it should be if I want them to like my husband while we're getting along and making amends.

But to the point about your mother. If she's stressed by the fact you're in what seems like a bad relationship, it's not fair on her to keep it all bottled up. You can't dump your stress on her and expect her to hold it all in. She's not a neutral party that can compartmentalize it somewhere else like a therapist would, she's your mother and she will be concerned and upset for you. In any case if you know she gossips, you're only setting yourself up for failure when you talk to her.

In a way, she's right. You're an adult now. You can't blame your mother for you adult issues. She might be at the root of them, but they're unresolved because you're failing to take action either by self improvement or counseling. She doesn't control your life anymore, you do.

But, it doesn't sound like she's very supportive, and the guilt trip is just manipulation. Stop expecting what she's incapable of giving (aka: a neutral listening ear). If you need to rant about your DP, I'd find a friend or therapist, and obviously you're welcome to do so here on MN, lots of people do and get good advice in relationships.

What I mean by that is, it would be easier for you to come to terms with the fact that she has an empty bucket and not much to give. It's not personal against you, she's not an emotionally literate person, and it's unrealistic to expect that of her.

I would stop expecting her to "understand you", because as upsetting as that is, she never will. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to. It's like expecting a paraplegic to climb a set of stairs instead of using the ramp, it's an unfair expectation.

What you can do is set boundaries though to keep yourself mentally healthy. So give her a set time to see DD and leave it at that. If she complains simply say "You will see her on X, it's not a long time" then ignore her texts.

But sometimes it's easier to understand that when someone is doing something stupid, it's because they have a personal problem with themselves, not anything you did. You just happen to be the nearest target.

I'll just say it is not nice from a mother's point of view to know the ins and outs of your child's problems with their partner. You get really riled up on their behave and then they stay with them and you have to still be nice to the jerk.

You do though need people in real life you can talk about things too, I just don't think it is the role of your parents, who should be there when push comes to shove.

Maybe it is time you started seeing your mother as a human being with human faults.

I know it's not nice to hear about my arguments with dp but she didn't need to tell anyone else, I told me dad aswel so if she wanted to talk to someone she could have spoken to him so she didn't have to bottle it up. I wasn't blaming her for my problems I was telling her that I've never been able to talk to her, I went to a counsellor when I was younger and she got offended that I could speak to a stranger about my problems but not her. Regardless of what I've told her about dp after an argument, why does he have to become a jerk? Why can't she see it as it was just an argument things were said in the heat of the moment. I want to have friends it really upsets me that I don't and if there was a problem I told my mum because I had no one else to speak to in person, I know it's my fault I tell her but I didn't know she was telling other people until recently, had I known I wouldn't, it's very hard when I'm sat on my own crying to just keep it all to myself because it does help to talk to a person, counselling also has a stupidly long waiting list and these are things where I just need to talk to someone there and then so a therapist isn't really the answer

Have you thought about keeping a journal and writing your thoughts on paper and venting there? I journal because I have a shitty memory and it is a form of zen for me to just get my own head space. It might help you sort your thoughts.

I had a friend who always complained about her boyfriend, and then was shocked when I didn't like him. You can't tell someone that your DP is acting like a jerk and expect them to see him with the same love goggles you do. Unless you're simply yelling at him for no reason for the sake of it, he probably was acting like a jerk. When you tell the story while you're still upset, it's going to seal the deal. You paint him up to look like a jerk, then are surprised your mother is following your lead?

Op do you realise that you have two threads going?

Senpai - I can accept that and I won't tell her when I argue with dp in future but I don't know what to do about the other things, her complaining she doesn't see dd enough, that she can't come to the house when she wants, she can't take her in to work to see her colleagues, she doesn't respect my decisions as dds mum, and always responds with 'there are other ways of doing things' I don't know how to cope with the disrespect, and I don't know how to make her listen that I'm not being horrible by not giving dd to her I just don't need anyone to look after her for me but I will still take her round often so she sees her, I don't want her taking her in to colleagues which she wanted to b/c I don't know them I'm not comfortable with that, but she disagrees with every decision I make, and I can't see it ever improving

Anna - I know someone on here told me to put the thread in relationships so I did but I'm still getting answers on here too so responding to both