Alarm bells

[Kiddiewinks2008]

I posted on here about a week ago as I hadnt seen BF for ages as she has a new man- 9 months (i thought it was 10 mths). Anyway, saw lovely BF this eve and had catch up. However, she said a few things that worried me so wondered if I was being U.
She is moving in with him to his town after 9 mths- all fine. But she said a lot that he expects her to only spend weekends with him, she is 'expected' to see her friends in the week but at no other time. She is also expected (her words) to never relive her occasional party past. The use of 'expected' really worried me- she also said that him & his ex spent ever moment together & didnt really have friends. Am worried- aibu? She is really happy - I did say 'of course its important that you have your friends too' aibu???

Sounds a bit odd that he seems to have laid down the law as these things.
But I will say that some couples just enjoy being together more than they enjoy other people's company.

YANBU to be concerned for her, but will she listen if you voice your concerns? Unlikely. Best to be supportive and be there for her if /when it all goes wrong.

The other thing she said was that she isnt allowed to go on holidays over 2 days with her friends. We dont do this anyway but the fact that he is dictating really worried me- but feel like I can't say anything & just need to see how it pans out- am REALLY worried though! She isnt herself- she was really passive!

OP, if she hasn't moved in yet now is the perfect to say something. Just point out that words like "expected" and "not allowed" (FFS!) are worrying.

Yeah... Me and DH always go on holidays with each other because we choose to and genuinely enjoy each other's company. But it's never been mandatory, and we get to hang with our respective friends whenever we damn well feel like it.

Honestly, most people don't listen when it comes to "criticizing" their new partner. By all means, tell her how you feel and that you don't think it's a good sign, but don't get your hopes up that it will change anything. It might, that's always a possibility. But go in prepared that it won't.

The best thing you can do at this point is to keep an open line of communication and not cut her off in case he's trying to isolate her.

I sent a light hearted text saying that I was a bit worried etc and will leave it at that for now but it did have all the signs of trying to isolate her

It does sound like he's trying to isolate her, but then he might just be trying to set out the parameters he wants in his relationship. I do think that a truly controlling man wouldn't allow her to go on holiday with her friends at all,
I know certainly in our experience (me and H) can't quite understand the couples going away with their friends for separate holidays cos we share our lives, why would we want to miss out on holiday time together? And as for only seeing friends in the week time, that's also kind slipped into our routine in the past... Just so we could spend our weekends together, oh how we appreciated having the whole weekend to ourselves to do nothing.

Yeah. My ex made similar demands that I wasn't allowed time with friends. It spelt the end of our relationship ultimately as I got more and more resentful.