To have taken ds' money..

[biscuitsfordinner]

DS (10) has approximately £200 saved up from various things. Tomorrow he has an important match for his sport and I have come to get everything ready for the morning and I can't find his tracksuit top. The tracksuit is 5 weeks old and cost £40. He is likely to have worn it somewhere and just left it. This is by no means the first time this has happened. Since September he has forgotten his lunch on a day when they were on a school trip so the teacher had to give him hers, has lost his trainers, left his sports bag in his friends car so his mum had to drop it off, left his PE kit at home on a match day so I had to take it into school, forgotten homework, forest school kit. The list goes on and on.
We have reward chart at home for all the dc if they do good things. We also have a chart on the wall which lists everything they need for school on each day but even today he left his PE shorts at home.

So tonight out of sheer frustration I asked him to give me £40 from his savings, not to replace the tracksuit just to cover the initial cost which is now just wasted money. I didn't shout or even get angry but I feel like there are no consequences for him. I could have said he can't play in the match but felt that meant punishing his team not just him. He is always upset after he has lost things but it doesn't seem to change his behaviour and I feel that unless there is a real consequence, that he actually cares about, he will never learn the basic skill of taking responsibility for himself or his things.

DH thinks I have been unreasonable and I do feel guilty but I also feel immensely frustrated and really sad that he is now going to be the only boy without a team track suit.

So AIBU??

OP, you haven't really addressed the question of whether he is capable of remembering and learning. This will give you the answer to whether YABU to take the money.

Could you stick a weekly timetable on the wall that shows what he needs to pack in his bag each day? Then he can check before leaving home.

I would not have taken his money.

I doubt he thinks it's okay to lose stuff- I do and always have, felt awful about losing stuff as much as I do. BUT it was harder leaving home and not only feeling bad id lost it, but also realising the cost! Which my parents hadn't taught me. Your teaching him the secondary implications beside just the loss of the object. The cost too is important. I genuinely think that's good, and something he will ultimately benefit from.

He obviously isn't capable but I have no idea why. There are no underlying issues.
We have a chart on the wall for all school related activities already. They also have a separate bag for each extra curricular activity (he does 3 sports). I generally get everything ready the night before and it is up to them to put it in their bags. I will check verbally before we leave that they have got everything but that doesn't mean he has and this is where my frustration lies. Short of following him around and physically checking every last thing I don't really know what else to do. I really like the drawer idea so will try that.

He obviously isn't capable but I have no idea why. There are no underlying issues.

If that really is the case, then sanctions are pointless.

I do sympathise, having two DDs with AS means that I've had to be responsible for things like this for far longer than most parents.

Good luck with the drawers.

Lots of Mums will still be preparing and physically checking equipment for 10 year olds. I realise that with four you will want to be delegating a bit and making them take more responsibility. But honestly, it sounds like it would be less stressful all round if you helped him for a bit longer.

I'm really not unsympathetic by the way; DS1 was definitely in high school before he shaped up. DD2(16) left her iPhone on the train only last weekend. We got it back thanks to the tracker and the brilliant guard/driver. But it's the second time she has lost it. And the second time we have tracked it. But being devastated, (and roundly berated) the first time didn't stop her mislaying it again last weekend.

Dd is similar (no AS) very forgetful.

I would take the money to replace the tracksuit. Dd has a team hoodie and has left it all over. She doesn't have to wear it for practice. Just for competitions. But it's annoying that it's always somewhere it shouldn't be.

She started secondary this year. The threat of detention has helped her become a bit more responsible.

We have lists on the fridge of what she needs each day. However I also make sure she has checked the list and also make sure she has lacked her bag the night before.

She is slowly taking more control. Now when I ask of she has lacked her bag for tomorrow, 9 times out of 10, it's already done.

We are getting one of those family calendars, when I figure out how to do it, to put everything in there.

DS1 was always losing uniform. Then I told him he had to replace it himself.

No more lost uniform...

Take it
He has to take responsibility for himself at some point.
My lost things were not replaced so I started looking after my things. As an adult I have never lost my keys, purse, coat etc.
I'm a cub leader, the kids are told their stuff is their own responsibility at camp, and still we spend hours trying to track down lost stuff. They never lose the precious teddy bear though! (Not sure I could cope with that TBH...)

my son was like that, always losing/misplacing stuff. It turned out that he had mild dyspraxia. It was spotted by a teacher & he got assessed for it. he's 28 now and has learnt how to manage his stuff better.

I do think its an age thing. DS was hopeless at that age. He got better sound 12- 13. Sorry. That's probably not helpful, but it was definitely a 'phase' for us.
DS now in his last year at school, and rarely loses anything.

My son is 7 but he forgets stuff every day. I get him to sort out his bag the night before and then I check it and put it in the hall for the morning. We have an Ikea storage case. It has four large spaces, so one for each child and then I have a basket per child on top so I can put things like DS's glasses in it. It helps a lot but he still leaves stuff at school. It can't really be helped. He is too busy thinking about more important things like Minecraft.

YANBU, but I do think you should replace the tracksuit with the £40. Totally agree with taking it off him though.

I'm amazed at how many people would tHe the money! Ds is 11 ( and admittedly is almost certainly somewhere on the ADD spectrum) but even at secondary school in this first year I think about remembering things as still partly my job. He has stepped up hugely this year and actually isn't forgetting much but I just see it as part of parenting a dreamy head-in-the-air child is to double check stuff. As a result most of his forgets are bringing things home not taking them to somewhere. Interestingly I think it was most frustrating last year - when I had ' you're going to have to cope at secondary' in my head.
My decision would be based on a) whether he had the skills & techniques in place (sounds like no?) b) whether on reflection I felt it was my job too or something he could cope with alone. Reading these maybe I am too soft, but as I say Ds has hugely stepped up this year with this approach.

Things that have helped my Ds:

• storage compartments in his room for each day: so things are stored in their space for next week if that makes sense?
• small pad in pocket at school to note down stuff he needs (secondary school planner has replaced this and is godsend!)
• note written on hand to remind of anything atypical needed that day/to remember (eg piano lesson times/going home with someone else/ bring x home)

Could any of those help your Ds?

I wouldn't have taken the money, there are plenty of ways to learn lessons than that. Taking it and not replacing the item is even worse.

He's 10, I'd still be packing kits and ensuring we left with them and checking before leaving on return we had everything. It's just part of parenting and takes seconds.

Yanbu. My DS is 11 (just!) and started secondary school. He is terribly disorganised and we have lists and I support him etc. He has asd and is about to be assessed for dyspraxia.
During half term when going through everything I discover he has 1 trainer in PE bag. He gets change in a room alone as can't manage changing rooms. I've withheld his pocket money until weekend when he's either found trainer or buys himself a new pair.
Like you, I have my shouted etc. I just simply said "if I lost my shoes what would I have to do?" He said buy myself some more and so I said well what will you have to do then?

For me it's not that I think paying for new ones will be a magic solution to him learning better organisation, it's more showing him the natural consequences of not taking that extra time - that for him he needs to take - to double check everything. He basically lives thinking about the next thing!

haven't shouted!

You gave him the initial tracksuit. He lost it, he should now have a choice. Either he buys another with his own money, or he doesn't, and doesn't get to wear the same as the others. But its a choice he should make, as its his money. I certainly wouldn't take his money away AND not replace it. Thats doubly unfair. Hes lost out twice now.

I get my 7yo to show me all the stuff - so I ask her to get her swimming bag, show emit contains costume, towel giggles and hat and then it goes straight to the front door tonne picked up on the way out. I also hugely praise every time it's all present and correct. Would something like that work?

We charge our dcs 25% of the replacement cost...the percentage increases for repeat occurrences. We want them to feel some of the pain of losing stuff, they have to take responsibility for things.

I worked in yr6 last year. Children often came to me explaining that mum or dad had forgotten to put their kit/lunch/reading book/homework into their bag. They all got the same response, "Is it mum/dad's kit/lunch/reading book/homework?"

"No? Well why on earth would they be packing it then?"

I misread. If you've taken the money you should using it to replace the tracksuit. You paid for the original through choice - taking the money back retrospectively because he lost it is unfair. Using his money should be as a natural consequence of learning if stuff is misplaced it costs to replace it.

I've just packed DS PE kit for him. I did it showing him what was going in and we've run through what needs to come home including the lost trainer!

I'm not sure I would have taken the money but oh how I know how this feels!!!

My eldest ( 12 next week!) DS is always losing things, or forgetting things. He's so disorganised, leaves packing his bag until last minute etc. Drives me bonkers! I've given up nagging him now, it's upto him if he forgets his homework or kit, I always suggest he packs his bag at night to ensure he doesn't forget anything, if he chooses not to then that's his look out!! He soon learns, one day he mixed up his timetable ( his school rotate 2) so took the wrong books, if he hadn't have been racing to get ready I think he would have not done that!

You're taking the money but not replacing it? What exactly do you think that will "teach" him?

At 10, there is a huge difference between a young 10 just started Yr 5 and a nearly 11 yr old at yr 6, I think.

I do feel your exasperation, I have one like this, big family and lots of different activities too (much worse in secondary too I found due to amount of kit).

At 10, especially a young 10 I would have been physically checking their stuff myself, the night before if poss otherwise it can be chaotic. First I would ask, if they said yes and they did have it all, well done and recognition of this. If they said yes and didn't have it, they would be told off and I would repeat myself yet again. You just have to keep going, but at 10 I would still be helping them by checking with them.

At secondary, after the first few weeks, if they forget something, tough. I wouldn't bring it to school for them. I found teachers allowed leeway for the first few weeks anyway, tbh.

I wouldn't take the money but if you have, at least actually replace the top!