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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of being responsible for everything!

53 replies

PurpleTreeFrog · 01/11/2015 18:42

When I say responsible, I mean mentally responsible, for remembering, organising and delegating things. It's like, sure, DH will wash up and tidy the kitchen and look after DS and so on... but only because I've told him to.

If I went on strike, nothing would get done. If I went on strike, and we went out for a day out somewhere, our toddler would be bundled into the car with no shoes, no hat, no bag of nappies or wipes or drink or snacks.

If I went on strike, the kitchen would be permanently dirty and full of washing up. The living room would be cluttered with toys that would never get put away. Our son would watch Twirlywoos for hours on end with DH just being on his laptop, only paying him attention when he starts to grizzle. I'm positive that our bed would have stinky unwashed sheets on it for literally months if I didn't change them. Our sons bedsheets or clothes wouldn't get changed until they're visibly very very dirty. DS would never be out of pyjamas.

If I went on strike DS would eat the same two meals on constant rotation with no thought to nutritional value or variety.

If I went on strike no-one in the house would have any clean laundry until the socks and pants run out.

I feel like I do everything and it's still not enough. If something in the house goes missing or gets broken, or theres no fresh towel in the bathroom, or I leave a cleaning cloth wet and it goes smelly, or I dont have time to put the clothes out to dry immediately when theyre washed so they end up a bit damp smelling, or I accidentally leave a light on or have the heating too high, I get complained at!

Should I just go on bloody strike?!

Sometimes I think being a single mum would actually be easier as I'd be doing the same amount of work without the constant pissed off feeling that DH should take on more of the responsibility, and without the constant conflict and tension from me nagging. At least if I was a single mum DS could go and stay with DH for designated days where he would HAVE to look after him 100% giving me free time to do what I want or need.

Urgh. It's so bloody draining.

/rant

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 01/11/2015 20:08

Well why do you put up with it and enable him?

Does he manage to hold down a job, remember that things at work need doing, meet targets and carry out his responsibilities without needing to be spoon-fed? Is it just a home where he chooses to be useless? Ask yourself why that is.

Presumably your sex life is non existent because his faux domestic uselessness has got to be a complete passion killer.

Naicehamshop · 01/11/2015 20:10

Show him this thread and see what he says. Grin

scandichick · 01/11/2015 20:13

There's a book called Wifework that always get recommended on threads like these - it's very useful for putting words to what's going on and why it's an unfair distribution of labour. In an ideal world you'd both read it and make changes, but I'm not sure how realistic that is...

tobysmum77 · 01/11/2015 20:17

I think in some ways you are not bu,
that yesyou need to go on strike but also chill out a bit.

Let him take ds out without nappies and snacks. He'll soon remember next time. So what if he doesn't entertain ds to your standard? I think it's actually an important skill for children to amuse themselves at least some of the time.

If he tells you his car needs servicing etc take no bloody notice, his problem.

BravingSpring · 01/11/2015 20:18

Bit of a stretch to suggest all single mothers get every other weekend off.

PestoSkiissimos · 01/11/2015 20:23

I'm a single parent (widowed) and have no 'time off'

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 01/11/2015 20:30

Has anyone mentioned Wifework yet? It's a fantastic book and looks at how women not only DO more in the house but spend more time thinking about everything because they are still assumed responsible for all tasks, even if they delegate those tasks to someone else.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/11/2015 20:30

Please make sure that your sons do not grow up expecting this from future partners. Nothing will change unless you change it.

There are too many entitled men out there who expect women to serve them slavishly. Don't.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 01/11/2015 20:30

Scandi types faster than me it seems!

lorelei9 · 01/11/2015 20:36

I feel as if I should save a reply to copy and paste for these thread

don't do things like DH laundry, cooking, booking car in for service. Let him sort that stuff out himself. He'll sort it himself because he has to...and might learn summat in the process.

BabyGanoush · 01/11/2015 20:39

It is the bloody THINKING about everything and planning every single thing that is so annoying and boring

It occasionally gives me the rage

The solution is to bugger off on your own on a regular basis (to see a friend, or do a sport), you need to be out of the house more often

It teaches them more than you can tell them

BabyGanoush · 01/11/2015 20:41

So Lumpy, if men act enitled it is their mother's fault?

...women are to blame for every fucking thing!!

cheapskatemum · 01/11/2015 20:41

YANBU. It was the same here: started when I went on maternity leave with DS1 & continued until relatively recently as DH has been out of work for 2.5 years and I have gone back to work PT. There are still some things that it doesn't occur to DH to do, but now his head is not full of his work, it seems he is able to remember to put the bins out, buy and send a birthday card to his DS (my DSS) etc. I am better than him at multi tasking, but am happy I don't have such a multitude of tasks to juggle any more.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/11/2015 20:46

Oh. I was hungover yesterday how unusual. I did nothing. The house fell into a complete state of disrepair within say, 30 minutes of everyone rising. I spent four hours today getting the house back into some semblance of order.

I understand, OP.

My husband, put simply, does fuck all. I adore him and we have a great life together, but he does fuck all.

MamaAwayOnBusiness · 01/11/2015 20:47

Have you considered starting a rota, that seems to have (mostly) sorted out my similar situation with DP?

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 01/11/2015 20:49

Does he also have a sudden burst of energy every now and again and do a massive tidy up whilst and making you aware of what he is doing?
Or cook the dc a meal for the 1st time in ages, put lots of veg in it and make sure you know that it's healthier than anything you've ever made!

RabbitSaysWoof · 01/11/2015 20:56

If might just be the op but you really sound like someone I know.
I'm so bored of the I'd rather be a single mum stuff. I have an ex friend who had these conversations at with me, I always think she's playing my life's harder than your life.
Her life is harder because she's uptight and can't let anything wait a minute or slip below her standards, her kid can't potter he has to be being stimulated, he can't get thirsty or hungry for a minute she has to have a bag with 300 offerings on them at all times if she wasn't asking him to try on the potty every 3 minutes he was obviously going to piss himself because no one is as capable as her or can be trusted with anything like she can.
If I were with someone like that I would be relieved if they went on strike.

Baconyum · 01/11/2015 21:01

Ex did fuck all as well. Would maybe do the dishes once in a blue moon (and want a sodding medal for it!) Put the bins out after hours of nagging.

There were other problems too but he kinda shot himself in the foot with a couple things.

Eg
An email sent to me when dd was still only 4 months old waking 2 hourly and bf. Email was a LONG list of admin he wanted done phone calls etc like booking car in for service and not, reviewing insurance, reviewing energy bills, organise summer holiday etc.

If he had leave where we didn't go away he'd sleep till early afternoon then do bugger all as 'I'm supposed to be on holiday' yes from work! Not life! Not fatherhood!

At suggestion of now ex-mil went out for day with her shopping lunch etc so he could 'see what its like' returned to him ignoring screaming dd who was still in same nappy and had barely been fed! This event was one of many that meant that when we first separated court agreed contact to take place at his mother's!

Practical? Couldn't cook or clean and couldn't so much as hang a picture or change a fuse so shite at 'man' stuff too!

But...repeatedly told me I 'couldn't cope without him'. When he was away with work though (forces) I realised I had much less to do and was less knackered than when he was there.

Upshot was when he really cocked up I wasn't at all worried about being on my own!

OP this needs nipping in the bud asap. Sounds like wife work book good. Sit him down for a 'serious talk' outside of home? Have you any friends husbands who might be able to model a good example? This worked for a friend of mine, she 'set her husband up' with a friend of hers husband as a friend (hobby in common). The friends husband was a good sort who really pulled his weight and actually took the other guy aside and pointed out he wasn't really being fair.

I hope you get this sorted.

AuntieClimax · 01/11/2015 21:11

Me and DH have recently had this conversation!

DH is fantastic, our house is run 50:50 by us. However, in a physical sense, not mentally.

So for example he does as much washing, cleaning etc as me. But I'm the one who does all the mental things, so telling him what jobs need to be done, remembering what day DD1 has reading day, spelling test day, PE day, homework handing in day, remembering when I need to ring to order DD2 prescription, etc etc etc. If I ask him to sort any of these things, no problem at all, but he doesn't think about them himself.

It got too much recently. I told him that as fab as he is, I need him to back me up mentally, because at the moment if I forget something, there's nobody there thinking about it too, and one day it could be something really important I forget like ordering DD2 meds. I also feel it's unbalanced here, like I'm a mini dictator running the household and everyone (DC and DH) does as I ask.

He totally understood and actually got upset and said he felt like he had let me down. He said he's always just taken a back seat on things like that because I keep everything so well organised. I said that may be the case but to keep it all organised it's mentally draining and there's no safety net if I forget anything.

Since then he's completely altered and I now feel I've got someone else mentally running the household too which has taken the pressure off me. I also feel like a nicer person, and not someone that's constantly dishing out orders!

Baconyum · 01/11/2015 21:13

Auntie sounds like you've a good man there. Not perfect but certainly willing and listens.

Sadly in my experience they are few and far between.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 01/11/2015 21:17

So Lumpy, if men act enitled it is their mother's fault?

...women are to blame for every fucking thing!!

Our relationships are the blueprint for our children's future relationships. Society conditions us and we condition our children. Personally, I blame the patriarchy. Wink

dulcefarniente · 01/11/2015 21:43

It does give the rage when people accuse others of enabling their partner in this situation. As pp have said some men have much lower standards/only think about their own needs. My ex would happily eat crap for every meal and only think about getting a meal when he was hungry. You could leave him to his own devices as often as you like but it wouldn't change his thought processes. Who wants to have a relationship where you either become the nagging wife or have to constantly write lists of instructions so that your dcs are looked after adequately?

dulcefarniente · 01/11/2015 21:54

I did lower my standards and left him to his own devices but nothing changed other than my getting depressed at the state in which we were living and nothing ever being organized unless I did it. He wasn't bothered by the effect it had on me and nobody was taking him aside and telling him to pull his weight.

Now we are divorced life is so much better.

dulcefarniente · 01/11/2015 21:56

Nobody other than me was taking him aside

frogsarejumpy · 01/11/2015 22:03

I so get this!
"So for example he does as much washing, cleaning etc as me. But I'm the one who does all the mental things, so telling him what jobs need to be done, remembering what day DD1 has reading day, spelling test day, PE day, homework handing in day, remembering when I need to ring to order DD2 prescription, etc etc etc. If I ask him to sort any of these things, no problem at all, but he doesn't think about them himself"
I have told my DH that I feel like I need a wife! My head gets jammed with mental organisation and feels like it's going to implode at times. I wish someone would just tell me what I needed to do, so much easier!
I have talked to him too, he does try for a while but it is not inbuilt to plan further than an hour??
Tell him OP, he may try harder