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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That marriage is just a financial transaction that serves many women badly and want to warn others before they take the leap?

136 replies

thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 19:12

I just don't think it is made clear enough that marriage is all about money and that people who marry people who do not earn as much as them stand to lose so much and do not realise it.

My stbex was a sahd but had never had a career before he met me - he didn't want one as he sees himself as a musician/writer/free-spirit/free-loader. I am a teacher and have struggled over the last 8 years to excel as a mother and a teacher, cramming as much work as I could into my dc's sleeping time and devoting all my free time to my children, pretty much.

Following his infidelity, which I cannot divorce him for due to not 'getting my head around it' during the designated 6 months the law allows, partly as a result of his failure to disclose the whole truth, I must apparently give him half my pension and, though our house has insufficient equity to make it worth selling it, should consider him a primary carer as he still takes the children to school and picks them up. Yes. Because he has no job as he doesn't want one. I have had three child-free days this week and have spent them working, Christmas shopping, cleaning dc's bedrooms and buying them bedroom furniture and rearranging their rooms to accommodate it. I am exhausted. He has spend his child-free days (6 days) writing his novel and hanging out with friends. Yet he is the main carer because he takes them to school and picks them up. WTF. All organising, thinking, planning is done by me. Yet if he wanted the dc (I am almost certain he doesn't, but will find out for sure when I raise the 'd' word with him) I should accept that he may well get them and I would therefore have to subsidise him to enable that to happen.

I have a friend who is about to enter into a very similar arrangement that I had with ex and I want so much to warn her. Of course, she and her dp are happy and in love now, but I did not marry and procreate with ex thinking that he was a shit who would do me wrong, yet he is and did. I know I WBU to say this to her, but I really think many people enter into marriage unknowingly.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 30/10/2015 20:06

OP
Cases are looked at on an individual basis and the courts would have to see him as SAHP. I'm afraid that part of your later post does sound like sour grapes.

Lucked · 30/10/2015 20:06

You wouldn't have been able to go into work that early without childcare though. And I think you are being unfair to the working partners of sahps to imply that it isn't usual for them to do equal child care when they are at home.

I am not saying it is entirely fair but in some respect you allowed him to have this life. If someone is a sahp then the assumption is that both parties have agreed to it and accept the impact this has on the sahps earning potential and pension.

DontBeAThoughtlessBirdie · 30/10/2015 20:06

OP you enabled your partner to remain the man he was when he met you - and he enabled you to pursue your career instead of the drudgery of childcare.

QuintShhhhhh · 30/10/2015 20:08

I am sorry but, the law cannot protect against bad judgement.

Nobody forced you to marry a man without prospects, money or career, who was a free spirited musician.

You chose to not get your act together and divorce him when he was unfaithful.

This is not about the law, but about your own bad judgement, and you cant blame the legal system for that.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:10

I don't know why it sounds like sour grapes - unless you mean I am terrified of losing my children. I could not have gone into work so early, no, but I would have found a way to make it work and could have paid someone to help me with that. Like I am doing now.

I would have the career I have no without him, absolutely I would - it just may have taken me few extra years to get there. Without me he would be where he is now but without living in a nice house for a few years.

OP posts:
toomuchinternets · 30/10/2015 20:11

What the first poster, TattyDevine, said: "Sorry it worked out so badly for you. I'm finding it pretty great. It's not for everyone though."

Seriously get yourself a childminder and get rid of him. Marriage isn't just financial for some. We were worse off by getting wed but did it cos we're daftly loved up! I am sorry it didn't work out for you, but your bitterness will eat you up.

roundaboutthetown · 30/10/2015 20:13

To be fair, if he'd never worked in his life before, you knew he was a freeloading free spirit when you married him.

EdithWeston · 30/10/2015 20:18

"I would have the career I have no without him, absolutely I would - it just may have taken me few extra years to get there "

And that is his contribution.

Your circumstances are not unusual, OP. Every person who has been supporting a low or non-earning spouse who has been the primary carer for the family (thus enabling better or faster career progression) has stood in your shoes when the marriage ends.

NorthernLurker · 30/10/2015 20:19

'I go to work stupidly early, while they are asleep, so I can get back as early as possibly to maximise time with them' and he made that possible for you. Just like I have made it possible for my husband to earn more than me because I did most of the heavy lifting, day in day out childcare stuff when ours were small. If I thought for one second that he thought so little of what I've done as you do of your ex's contribution I would be shattered.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:22

Ok, so would your h be ok with the idea of you shagging someone else while your child was in the house, day in day out, then? That was also what I enabled him to do. Do you get to keep your parenting halo, even if you do that? My contribution counts for nothing it seems. Really shouldn't have posted here tonight. I married a shit, should have known and now deserve to lose it all.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 30/10/2015 20:23

"We planned the set-up - it seemed to make sense."

So you made a bad judgement? How does that mean you've been served badly? You made that choice, and now - unfortunately - you have to figure out what to do with it.

"I have had three child-free days this week and have spent them working, Christmas shopping, cleaning dc's bedrooms and buying them bedroom furniture and rearranging their rooms to accommodate it. I am exhausted. "

Surely that's just called Being A Parent?

DeoGratias · 30/10/2015 20:24

many men and women agree with you. Why should someone who has never sacrificied any career at all get a massive financial boost?

Now it's different if one gives up work - so you might justify a financial settlement but if the other like my ex always worked full time but happened to earn a lot less and whose career was not held back by being married to me why should they whether male or female get a huge additional financial advantage? Why don't we sa nurse married to millionaire had 20 nice years living on the millionaire's earnings and now they are divorced she goes back to her nurse's salary? She / he never gave up work or lost out on promotions due to the marriage. Divorce law is inherently unfair so the solution is live togther and don't marry. I wouldn't marry again.

Anyway as for your case don't get mad get even. Set up a plan now to push yourself into a position of advantage. Could you encourage him out to work? Could you position yourself as primary carer? Could you hire a live in au pair to do a lot of the stuff the husband does?

men have it unfairly too when they are in your situation - I've known two who had wives who didn't do a thing at home so the man would get home and do 3 hors of housework and childcare yet the courts still treat that as a traditional husband works wife doesn't on divorce rather than seeing it as lazy wife who never does a thing at home whislt husband does not only the full time job but just about all the out of work stuff too.

AliceInUnderpants · 30/10/2015 20:24

*except, most parents don't get three child free days a week!

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:26

*"I have had three child-free days this week and have spent them working, Christmas shopping, cleaning dc's bedrooms and buying them bedroom furniture and rearranging their rooms to accommodate it. I am exhausted. "

Surely that's just called Being A Parent?*

Er, thanks I know that. My point is, ex never has any of that. FFs, are you him?

OP posts:
aprilanne · 30/10/2015 20:27

op you answered a question there .you career would not have progressed so quickly without your hubby doing the childcare .i mean i thought i worked bloody hard bringing up my three boys while hubby climbed the work ladder .his contribution to family life let you go and earn money .i know you are angry but let it go .and focus on the children .

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:28

I don't want any childfree days. I want to be with my children, but obviously have to allow him access. My point is, even when they are not here I am 'parenting'. The same cannot be said for him.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 30/10/2015 20:28

No, nothing excuses his adultery.

But the law (assuming you are in England) means that the division of assets on divorce is 'no fault'.

And yes, I agree with you that people need to be better informed about the nature of the legal contract of marriage. There are many threads on MN about the legalities (and usually a fair number of posts commenting on how unromantic it all is) and it does seem that there are far too many people who are under-informed about what marriage (and conversely cohabitation without marriage) can mean.

Getting angry with the system (which has been around for decades) isn't going to make one whit of difference to the eventual settlements at your divorce. But if venting here means you don't need to vent when in your solicitor's office (and you are paying for their time) means this thread has achieved something that will help you in future.

NorthernLurker · 30/10/2015 20:29

The shagging somebody else doesn't negate the contribution he's made to your career. On a personal level it makes him an utter shit obviously. But you are still much better off in career progression terms and pension than you would have been if he had worked too and you'd tried to use childcare and go part time. And THEN when he shagged somebody else you really would have been screwed. And that's what happens to a lot of women so actually you've not done too bad.

HermioneWeasley · 30/10/2015 20:30

I am so sorry you married a selfish freeloading dick.

But I don't know how the law can reflect every individual situation. Marriage acts to protect the financially less well off party. Don't enter into it unless you're prepared for that.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:30

Bollocks - I'm not sure it would have taken me any longer anyway. It's a moot point as it didn't happen like that. Why are some people ignoring all mention of his infidelity?

OP posts:
TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 30/10/2015 20:31

Who looked after the children before they went to school? Because if it was him, he was doing a job then, he was saving you from huge childcare costs.

Now he might only be an after-school carer, but if he wasn't there could you work and earn the money you do?

Parenting as a couple is meant to be a partnership - if one earns nothing but gives time, and the other earns more money but has less time, does that mean that the non-earning parent is worthless to the relationship?

TheAnimatedRemainsOfMaryz · 30/10/2015 20:31

His infidelity makes him a shit. But it doesn't change the financial set up.

AliceInUnderpants · 30/10/2015 20:33

But how can you say he's not parenting, when you've said he's been at home with the children whilst you've been able to progress your career? He does the school runs, and I'd imagine he feeds and clothes them when necessary.

Yes, he is an utter, utter cockwomble for cheating, and you are absolutely right to be angry with him for that, but he has been a parent, and still seems to continue to be.

Original poster
thinkingmakesitso · 30/10/2015 20:33

Yes, I'm so much better off as he can take my pension etc and position himself as the main carer so take my children too. What an utter fucking relief Hmm.

OP posts:
Booyaka · 30/10/2015 20:33

YABU. But I sympathise with your situation. However I do feel that divorce should protect SAHP regardless of sex.