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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to keep a marriage strong?

20 replies

tryhard · 30/10/2015 18:52

The challenges we face as a couple are very common I'd imagine: I lost my job so am a SAHM out of necessity, I love it but I do miss my career, friends at work etc. It also puts all of the financial pressure on him so he tends to do long hours, which knackers him out & leaves me further isolated at home. We've just moved house so have no family or friends nearby who can babysit, I get no help with DC (both under 5). I feel like we are slipping into a becoming functioning unit whose sole purpose it to keep a house & 2 children running, it feels like there's no space and time for us as a couple. AIBU to ask how everyone else does it, how do you stay strong as a couple & ensure you have a healthy marriage when you're knackered, worried about money and generally a bit fed up? We have to somehow keep everything afloat & not lose sight of eachother in the process, how do you manage that?

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 30/10/2015 18:55

We don't manage all that well!

Do you want to return to paid work?

Does he work long hours because he fears losing his job?

holeinmyheart · 30/10/2015 19:12

I experienced this situation during the first three years of our marriage. We were moved away 300 miles because of his job with two small children. I lost my network of friends, my family, my lovely job, my car.
So what did I do?
I went out and found Mother and toddler groups. I invited anyone and everyone to my house for coffee. I didn't feel I had any choice as I was lonely and isolated.

I recognised that things would improve and it would take time and it DID.
I made friends and in the end I had a really nice group that we socialised with.

Keep a diary and write all the miserable moany things in it, instead of moaning to him. However hard it is as ( I eventually returned to the cutthroat world of work,) it is still not as bad as having to go to work.

When he came home I tried to have a nice clean calm house so that he wanted to come home. He worked damn hard to keep us afloat for those lean early years.
I didn't blame my DH for my situation.

I worked hard as well, but at least I could set my own agenda. The kids did nap and I had friends to moan to eventually, and I was able to put my feet up occasionally.
Believe me it will get better.
Hugs, as it does feel terrible ( don't I know)

Original poster

tryhard · 30/10/2015 19:15

I do, part time, but in my field of work is would end up costing us money because of nursery fees, it'll only be viable when my youngest is in full time education, which is 3 years away.

OP posts:

BurtMacklinsWife · 30/10/2015 19:31

I would say that time alone is essential. Just taking time to be a couple rather than mum & dad. If you have nobody who can babysit of an evening, then have daytime dates while children in childcare.

Also, being actively interested in the other person. Asking them to tell you about their day, even when you don't particularly want to hear it.

And, sex. For me, when things are chaotic - sex really helps.

CookieDoughKid · 30/10/2015 19:36

I've started doing babysitting swaps with my neighbour. It's free and so convenient. Definitely quality time in talking, going out for dinner, timeout helps.

Build your own life too. It puts your stresses into perspective and you don't end up completely reliant on hubby for adult chat etc which might be painful for him if he has just come in from a long day.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 30/10/2015 19:37

Try and laugh together about something- anything - doesn't matter what , can be really silly. Having a good laugh really helps.

CMOTDibbler · 30/10/2015 19:40

Talk, talk and more talk. And then talk a bit more. DH and I always spend some time talking in bed (and that doesn't mean we go to bed together everynight, I need less sleep so he always comes upstairs with me) about stuff. That 20-30 minutes when there is absolutely no distractions at all is really important to us.

pinkdelight · 30/10/2015 19:48

I worked and paid for childcare even though it meant we lost money for a couple of years. Was totally worth it as an investment in my sanity and ourselves, keeping hold of who we are rather than that functional unit thing you mention, where you can start to lose yourself and each other.

Original poster

tryhard · 31/10/2015 07:57

Ah yes sex can be an issue...our only opportunities are in the evenings by which time were both exhausted & I'm totally touched having had DC crawl all over me all day. It's important for both of us but it can feel like something else we have to schedule & fit in :(

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 31/10/2015 08:06

I think having 2 children under 5 is really hard, I don't any more. I think that you have to accept that life isn't all fun and games and cherish the good times. Do stuff as a family that you all enjoy and can look forward to.

Osolea · 31/10/2015 09:53

I think at the stage of life you're in there has to be a certain amount of acceptance that you are just on a treadmill where life can be repetitive and hard work, and you just have to keep going to get through it. One of the most important things is that you are conscious of the effect this stage of life could have on your marriage, so it's really good that you're thinking of this and doing your best to keep your marriage strong. If you keep doing what you're doing, life really will get easier, time for each other will just appear as your children get older, you just have to ensure that you don't grow apart and forget each other before you get to that point.

Keep talking, keep letting each other know that you care, keep trying to be kind and supportive to one another, and take any opportunity you can get to be an individual as well as a couple, even when you just want a rest! Babysitters don't have to be friends or family, see if there's anyone at nursery who would be willing to do an evening, or a Saturday afternoon while you go out for a long uninterrupted lunch.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 31/10/2015 10:08

Get a regular baby sitter. We used a teenager in the street. Have date nights. This could be a meal out, or maybe just a meal at the table after the kids have gone to bed. No TV. And talk to one another.

Sex is very important, so defo schedule time for that.

Next year the Govt are introducing 30 hours free childcare a week. This should really help you to go back into employment.

tadjennyp · 31/10/2015 10:09

Make Friday or Saturday night your pizza/curry/Chinese night if you can. Doesn't have to be a takeaway just one of those meal deals from Tesco or something. Eat separately from the kids then, have a couple of beers or wine if you like that sort of thing and watch something or play something that makes you both laugh. I find laughter really releases a lot of tension. It's something to look forward to and special time for you as a couple. Good luck, you sound like you really love each other.

SummerNights1986 · 31/10/2015 10:19

I feel like we are slipping into a becoming functioning unit whose sole purpose it to keep a house & 2 children running

I know exactly what you mean and I feel like that sometimes. We have one day off a week together as a family and our other days off we split for childcare reasons.

It feels like a slog sometimes - from school to work to childminders to home to kids activities. Ad infinitum. Passing ships in the bloody night, keeping things running like a well oiled clock and it's constant.

Aside from the relationship stuff (which there is already lots of good advice about) if I'm getting fed up and grumpy, the thought of the dc having no part of this slog makes me feel better. Not in a martyr-ish way (I am far from a martyr!). But when I think about life from their point of view, they have a nice home, go to school and a childminders they love, they have nice meals made for them and get taken to lots of activities that they're into. Their life is pretty good - which is kind of the whole point and does get me through the 'I don't want to do it today!' days.

HermioneWeasley · 31/10/2015 10:48

I think what you're experiencing is fairly common with 2 young kids. I find it gets easier as they get older. Our two now entertain themselves for an hour or so weekend mornings so we have a lie in and we are still strict about bedtimes so we have evenings.

Be kind to each other - that's my top tip

Original poster

tryhard · 31/10/2015 13:49

It's really reassuring that some people have said it gets easier as they get older cos DH in particular is worried it'll get worse...later bedtimes, lots of activities in the evenings & weekends, he said a few times he's worried we'll have even less time for eachother in the future. YY to kindness, it's easy to forget that in the rush & the hurry of every day life.

OP posts:

Pseudo341 · 31/10/2015 13:57

Talk about it. We are currently a functioning unit. DH works long hours, DD2 doesn't sleep. I got to bed as soon as the kids do so that I can cope with the night shift. Basically DH and I don't see much of each other in the week. We're both aware that we'd like things to be different, but right now we have young kids and it's a big struggle. We just keep reminding ourselves that it won't last forever.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 31/10/2015 13:59

Time alone and time as a couple is essential. And be kind to each other.

Make time to spend just you and DH - have dinner together once a week (doesn't have to be much, pizza on the sofa with a glass of wine is plenty) with no phones/TV and and take to time to re-connect as a couple.

Remember your life before DC. Take time to yourself, even if it's just to read in the bath for an hour or going for a walk.

Life with young DC is tough, especially when you have money worries as well. But if you're both strong, and you both remember the reasons you got together, you can get through it.

QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2015 16:20

I'm a SAHM whilst smallest DC is little and DH works full time.
I find that being appreciated for the everyday stuff we do helps stop resentment creeping in when we're both tired and pissed off. DH always thanks me for taking care if the kids/home whilst he's at work and I thank him for going to work. We also split everything 50/50 and work as a team to get things done.
We always have a proper laugh together too and make sure we grab a bit of time with each other when the kids are in bed.
We always tell each other that we love each other and (without being cheesy fuckers) say what we love and admire about each other too.
We're super busy with 5DC but as they get older it does pay off. Definitely second finding toddler groups to meet other mums and planning your return to work can make you feel more in control too.

BackforGood · 31/10/2015 16:37

I agree with others - you are in a period of your life when you are likely to be on a bit of a treadmill. You have to understand that this is a phase, and it does become easier again.
Agree with others though that it's important to try to keep talking, and to make time for each other - whether that's sitting together to eat every day, with no TV/radio/phones, so you take 40mins to talk, or whether that's a night out once a month - as others have suggested, either swap babysitting with a friends/neighbour/colleague of your dh's, or pay a teenager - or whether it's one evening a week where you make it a bit of a 'date' after the dc have gone to bed, and share a glass of wine / watch a film / play a board game / whatever floats your boat, but it's ring fenced that neither of you can do any work in that time.

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