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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at my friend or am i a cold-hearted bitch

46 replies

AshleyWilkes · 30/10/2015 18:39

Background: My good friend (not quite best but "good") has had marriage problems with her loser of a husband. He's been violent and has cheated, they have a 3yr old and a 1 yr old and he's a waste of space. When he's not smoking weed he's usually sleeping off a bender or getting arrested.
Anyway me and DH have been there as much as possible for her, and about a year ago we lent her £250, she told us she was desperate for money to pay some bills, fix her boiler and buy milk/nappies for the kids. (he had already left her by then and doesn't give her any money).
So we didn't hesitate to lend her what she asked for with the understanding that she would pay it off when she could, and she told us she would have it paid off by last Xmas.
So its been a year and all she's paid is literally £10. Not a huge problem, I understand that she's a single mum with 2 little ones. Our friendship is important to me, I wouldn't dare jeopardize it for the sake of £250.

This is what annoys me though: Her Facebook is saturated with pictures of her going out, getting drunk in clubs, buying new clothes, buying an iCandy for her youngest! boasting about the clothes she's got from Next etc, her plans for an Xmas party. (we live an hour away from her so we don't necessarily keep up with her activities, just what we see on Facebook).

AIBU for feeling ticked off that she owes us £240 (money that we actually need) and has been owing for a year, claims to "can't afford it this month" when we ask, but her FB posts show otherwise??

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 30/10/2015 19:50

Also, she is not prioritising you or your friendship, why should you?

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/10/2015 19:59

How much that she has told you do you know is actually true?

She could have been stringing you along for years.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 30/10/2015 20:07

Yanbu. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place as a pp said. I think it would be fair enough to ask for it back. No need to tell her you're pissed off re fb pics unless she says she can't afford to repay you, in which case I would mention it.

The best advice on lending / borrowing between friends I ever heard was on Judge Judy this; if anyone (who is not your own child) asks to "borrow" a large(ish) sum of money, and you can afford to lose it, tell the borrower you will happily make it a gift which they don't need to ever repay you, but also tell them you would rather they not ask you for money again. If you can't afford to give it away, don't lend it.

Bit late to offer that advice now OP sorry!

CardinalPoint · 30/10/2015 20:26

I feel so sorry for you, you've lost the money and you've already lost the friendship.

I think it's sad that you don't want to push the matter because you are worried about loosing the friendship. . She is not a nice person. Anyone with an ounce of respect would have paid you back. She has treated you like dirt.

I'm guessing that you have nothing in writing which means if you start getting angry and demanding the money back will probably mean she will just cut you out and refuse to pay. The best thing is to try an get her to set up a standing order for £20 a week. Don't listen to any sob stories as there will always be something. I wouldn't be shy to keep asking.

I'd phone her rather than texting. (Record the call?). Don't apologise or sympathise.

If you aren't sure you can be assertive enough then it might be a good plan for your DH to phone her. (I'd definitely record the call if he is the one phoning). He needs to keep calm and push her to make a plan.

Unreasonablebetty · 30/10/2015 21:25

Sounds as if she doesn't really want to repay you, even at £5 a week she would have more than paid you back by now.
I also think that people who ask their mates to borrow money, are usually pisstakers. I've been in some very tight situations, and one of my friends is really quite well off, and we are close enough that I could ask anything of her... But I quite simply haven't asked her for anything, ever, because she is my friend and I value our friendship far more than I would value a few days peace from any money situations I've had.

noddingoff · 30/10/2015 22:24

I'd write off the friendship and the money (yes I know it's a sickeningly big chunk) and try not to let the whole thing take up any more valuable headspace and emotional energy. Change your FB all the pictures of her spending your money don't come up on your newsfeed, and if she suggests going out for drinks or coffee, decline and if pressed, tell her that money it a bit tight for you so you'll have to pass. If she invites you to a party, tell her that you can rarely afford a babysitter so you can only get one on special occasions.
Don't hang out with her any more: she'll either talk about the things she's been doing and buying with your money, which will piss you off; or whinge on about being poor, which will piss you off even more.

I suppose there is a small chance that she could set up a DD of £20/month and magically become responsible enough with money so that there is always enough in her account to go to the DD, but even if she does it will take a year to pay off and it's pretty much a cert that she's not going to get to the end of the year and think, "Oh, that wasn't so hard to do, wasn't Ashley a great friend to lend me that wodge of money and let me pay it off slowly, what a great person". More likely "What a sanctimonious cow with her bloody direct bloody debit, the judgy bitch, anyway I woulda paid it all off, I told her I would, but the miserable cow didn't trust me, what a crap friend". In her mind she is probably definitely going to pay it all off.....soon... Exactly when and how doesn't come into the reckoning because that involves logic and unpleasant thoughts. She can't see the illogical thinking of spending beyond her means and crying poor. It just doesn't compute.

noddingoff · 30/10/2015 22:35

Oh yeah, if you wondering how she can feel sorry for herself being so poor but simultaneously feel proud enough of her purchases to boast about them; or believe herself to be a good friend whilst treating you like this-
look up "cognitive dissonance" on wikipedia. There's a lot of this going on in her mind and it's not a nice thing to experience, so her brain will be busy using all the strategies it can to minimise it. Oh, except changing her behaviour.

roaringfire · 30/10/2015 23:05

Suggest she set up a direct debit for an affordable amount, say £10, say this is reasonable and see what happens.
If she refuses / forgets then you know what you need to know.

YANBU.

AyeAmarok · 30/10/2015 23:25

YANBU.

Basically, she doesn't feel like she should have to pay you back, that's the nub of the issue.

If she had to sacrifice treats for herself to pay you back she'd think you were being massively unfair to her.

CookieDoughKid · 30/10/2015 23:31

I'd drop her like a hot potato. She is not a friend to you.

Original poster

AshleyWilkes · 30/10/2015 23:38

Ayeamorak
Yeah that's kinda what she's like. She's always been a bit self centred and a bit "I love to treat myself very frequently and tell everyone else about what I've bought". Now she's gone through a hard time in her life with her idiot ex, that attitude is a lot more prevalent. Don't get me wrong she's been through a horrible time and I genuinely feel for her. But she's become very very selfish and self pitying, her FB posts are all about me me me, and then me some more. Other people have noticed and commented on it.

I digress. My DH actually mentioned tonight he's going to contact her and be a bit firm.
He also said we might "have to write it off as a loss and a learning experience."
Disappointed in her.

OP posts:

NewLife4Me · 30/10/2015 23:49

Before you contact her, put a post on fb and see how quickly you are deleted.
You won't see the money and she isn't a friend, so nothing to lose.
I couldn't resist if it was me, I think you are being very reserved.

Original poster

AshleyWilkes · 30/10/2015 23:54

NewLife4Me
I'm not really a reserved person, I've got involved in family/friendship feuds before and had to fight my corner, I just hate it, if it can be avoided then I would like to avoid it. Don't understand why everything has to descend into a drama.
Because of the above I guess I'm just wary of bad feelings / fighting with my friend. I'm sick of it.

OP posts:

Greengardenpixie · 31/10/2015 00:05

She is jeopardizing your friendship not you!
Don't mention anything about facebook but ask her for your money back. Never ever lend friends money!

MissMoo22 · 31/10/2015 00:12

'Just seen your pics on facebook of your new XY and Z and your recent nights out. I'm so happy to see you're back on your feet and now have the money to pay us back as we really need it back within X amount of days/weeks as it's the money for our kids xmas presents.'

Or similar.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 31/10/2015 00:22

She's not your friend.

M00nUnit · 31/10/2015 01:33

Don't write off £240! It was a loan not a gift, she knows that and she can clearly afford to pay it back. It's your money. Tell her firmly you need it back and give her a deadline. If she's a real friend she'll pay it back and not try to make you feel bad about it.

Italiangreyhound · 31/10/2015 02:15

Hi I think she has been through a tough time and you have been a good friend. IMHO I would not write off the friendship, or the money. I would make it clear you need the money back, bit by bit, try and get her to agree to small sum and stick to it. £10 a week and she would have her debt cleared in under 6 months.

Also, just to lighten your mood you may like to watch this, if you are a fan of Frazier you may like it......

Frasier - gives Roz a loan

Good luck.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 31/10/2015 02:24

It strikes me that the friendship is already on its way south to be fair.
If you forget the money you'll resent her and if you insist on it back (my preferred option) she'll be pissed at you and feel like you've been unfair to her (which isn't that case at all!)
So, I'd go for the latter and have done with it.

I learned a valuable lesson about loaning money, well anything I guess. Never lend what you can't afford to lose!!!! It works well!!

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 31/10/2015 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardinalPoint · 31/10/2015 09:11

We lent our BIL a five figure sum when they really needed it, they have since received a decent inheritance and didn't give us any of our money back. I can't look them in the eye any more. They think we can afford it so don't think we need it back . We can afford it but I'd rather give it to my kids than to them. It's DHs family so I don't get involved.

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