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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt at my brothers lack of interest and ask WWYD?

45 replies

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/10/2015 09:20

I had a major operation just over a week ago which had some complications. I had to stay in hospital for three extra days and was very poorly.

During the these six days my brother didn't visit, call or even text to see how I was. He finally called after our mum effectively told him to call me.

I'm now home and have been for five days, he lives literally around the corner from me. No call, text, visit or offer of 'do you need anything'.

His wife has called but she has a lot going on with her own family illnesses so appreciate her contact.

I'm on my own so the brunt of getting stuff done has fallen on my mum who is in her 70's and not in the best of health. We're both close in age, he's fit, healthy and works regular hours.

I feel so hurt that he has no interest in how his own sister is after a serious op. I don't expect much, just a 'how you doing'.

I'm thinking of sending a passive aggressive text to him but he's so hot headed he'll turn it round to make me look like the bad guy!

WWYD?

OP posts:

whois · 30/10/2015 10:26

Can't believe you're getting a hard time, I would be upset if my sister didn't text or call. Probably won't expect her to come visit as she has 3 kids but would defo appreciate a few texts checking in.

But if he has always been selfish then it's not like he will suddenly become a nicer person just because you are ill. Feel sorry for his wife!

cleaty · 30/10/2015 10:45

This sounds like my brother. He doesn't do housework and rarely helps with the kids. And yes when I was very ill, he showed no interest at all. Even my elderly in laws sent me a get well card, but not my own brother. I feel your pain, but sadly I think there is nothing you can do about it.

WizardOfToss · 30/10/2015 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatFuckability · 30/10/2015 11:06

I was in hospital for a month a couple of years ago and my own mother didn't bother to check I was still breathing. I have sympathy op.

Original poster

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/10/2015 11:56

OK I've taken a big breath and got a grip! (I'm very hormonal)

He has to remember my birthday as we're twins. I text him and asked him to collect my prescription from doctors and he said no he's too busy.

I'm done with him, he's selfish and never going to change. I have a child to, but she's with her dad for half term, I still manage to help him and keep in touch.

I do so much for him and his family as I work school hours but this is never appreciated.

Reality has hit and I'm so thankful I've got my wonderful parents.

OP posts:

AlwaysHope1 · 30/10/2015 12:01

Yanbu op, a call costs nothing. As you say he sounds very selfish. Hope you get well soon

CactusAnnie · 30/10/2015 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2015 12:28

How disappointing though OP. He's too busy to collect a prescription for his sister? That's unbeievable. And he's your twin?

It's a horrible reaisation when it dawns on you that someone you love isn't actually very nice. But it sounds like you have other epeople to support you so write him off and then you won't be disappointed again

Original poster

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 30/10/2015 18:19

He phoned me to but only to shout and swear at me and tell me I'm out of order.

Apparently he's got enough shit going on in his life to deal with mine.

My dad is furious and said he's going to have a chat with him. I told him not to bother as he will turn it round to himself.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2015 18:37

Oh he sounds very selfish. I think the best thing to do is lower your expectations in future

Hope this hasn't set you back too much

paulapompom · 31/10/2015 15:40

Sorry op you know you're not out of order, you are perfectly reasonable. I feel for his wife too. Hope you are still recovering well xx

brokenhearted55a · 31/10/2015 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidey66 · 31/10/2015 15:52

I'm recovering from a hysterectomy...I'd be hurt if one of my immediate family didn't make contact as well. I'm already a bit upset that a close friend from work hasn't made contact.

This is the only time I've had major surgery and it's made me aware of how vulnerable you can feel when you're unwell.

Get well soon welshrarebit.

feckitall · 31/10/2015 16:09

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do OP, your feelings are perfectly valid
But
He is perfectly entitled to react the way he does..
you are brother and sister, you do not have to 'get on'
some people are not bothered by familial ties. some people are arses to everyone family or not
Lower your expectation of what families are like....

I hear from my DM once or twice a year, DB once a year..I am an adult..so are they..I don't expect to be on their radars constantly..

You know the saying..you can pick your friends but not your family..

Lordamighty · 31/10/2015 16:16

Put your efforts into your own recovery & don't waste any precious energy on your DB. People reveal themselves by their actions & now you know where you stand with him. Refusing to pick up your prescription is the action of a selfish arse. At least you now know his true colours.

SixtyFootDoll · 31/10/2015 16:22

YANBU

Your brother sounds very selfish.
I've got 2 younger brothers.
They never ring, rarely return my texts.

I'd like to think that they'd be there if I needed them, but couldn't be sure.

And as for the posters picking a fight with you

I hope you feel better soon.

ClimbingTheDuomo · 31/10/2015 21:42

YANBU.

I have a brother like this too. I no longer expect anything from him, nor do I put myself our for him. He is the only person who matters in his world.

rollonthesummer · 31/10/2015 21:59

Presumably this sort of behaviour isn't a one-off or you wouldn't be saying...

I'm done with him, he's selfish and never going to change.

Are you really surprised by his lack of interest?

Sazzle41 · 31/10/2015 22:42

But you say he has form for being selfish, so what do you expect? People have patterns of behaviour that rarely change. IME its pointless expecting people who dont give a monkey's to suddenly develop affection and empathy after years of inability or desire to. Accept he isnt going to change and look for support elsewhere is the best thing to do. Have you work colleagues or friends who could come visit?

Morganly · 31/10/2015 23:25

There is a problem in your relationship. It might be his fault, his personality defect etc. Or there may be something in your family dynamics that is making him detach from you. I think it is a big mistake for your parents to "take sides" as this could damage the relationships between you all irreparably.

I think you need to back off. Stop doing all the things that you say you do for him and his family. Concentrate on your own small family and friends unconnected with the family. You may be able to rebuild the relationship in time if he is willing, if he is worth it, if both of you want to, but right now your relationship is in a bad place and getting your parents to wade in isn't going to help.

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