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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL for the love of god, please stop!

73 replies

minifingerz · 29/10/2015 22:26

.. on holiday with SIL and BIL. They are good people and SIL in particular is the loveliest person I know. But BIL's conversation consists of the following:

him telling you how brilliant he is at everything. He knows more than you about everything, including your job

him telling you, in detail, how clever he was as child, how he went to every top private school in Scotland, and never did any work, and came first in everything, despite being younger than everyone else. And he went to a top university at 16, and studied multiple degrees, and came top in everything. He got scholarships without sitting exams - just had people offer them to him

he was brilliant at all sports

he has done every job you can think of, and been brilliant at it, and told everyone else that he worked with that they were crap and got the better of them

he studied for multiple degrees while working and found them easy.

There is not one single subject on god's earth that he doesn't know about. He never asks any questions that aren't designed to show how clever he is. I have never seen him show any genuine curiosity about anything - showing curiosity isn't possible if you already know everything about everything.

It's exhausting.

He is a medically retired ex middle-manager from a utility company.

How am I not going to scream 'oh for fuck sake, stop bullshitting!' across the dinner table for another two days? I'm already having to police myself to suppress rampant eye-rolling and darting appalled looks at DH (BIL is DH's sister's husband).

Why do some people men feel the need to do this?

OP posts:

JackCuse · 30/10/2015 10:54

He sounds like my BIL. The conversation ALWAYS steers towards him, it's quite awe-inspiring to see him turn any subject into being about him, and allowing him to big himself up. If it's not about him he's not interested. Any illness or injury you have, he's had it worse. Any problem you have, he's had it tenfold. He has to be the focus of attention at all times.

I would love to follow some of these tips on here, but my DSIL is completely enraptured by him, and she's lovely so I'd hate to upset her.

Janeymoo50 · 30/10/2015 10:58

Ask him how to make a really complicated recipe with unheard of ingredients (obviously look it up on line first to arm yourself). Especially good over dinner as you'll be eating and can slip it into the conversation (maybe aim for a random Scottish recipe).

CheesyNachos · 30/10/2015 11:00

My dad calls people like this; 'Fig Jam'. It stands for Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me.

Original poster

minifingerz · 30/10/2015 11:08

Your dad sounds awesome cheesy

OP posts:

FruVikingessOla · 30/10/2015 11:10

"I think I met him on holiday in the summer." I wonder if you met someone I know, Inkle? Did he give you a prolonged lecture on the socio economic and political history of the country you were visiting? And then did he give you the benefit of his superior knowledge and expertise on any other subject you had the misfortune to mention?!

MaxPepsi · 30/10/2015 11:12

Ah, we call these people toppers!

They have to top everything you have done.

MIL is one slightly, in that whatever ailment you may currently have, hers is worse. I once had horrendous eczema all across my hands which basically rendered them useless as I couldn't do anthing without being in pain. She had the tiniest patch on her leg, smaller than a nail head which was oh so terrible! FFS woman I am having radiation treatment to fix my problem, you have a slight itch!

My friends husband is also a topper, however he knows he is one and just can't help himself. He's quite endearing with it as it happens and happily accepts all the piss taking he gets with good grace. It's almost like he has verbal diarrhoea!

CheesyNachos · 30/10/2015 11:17

He is mini.

BramblePie · 30/10/2015 11:18

Did he go to Robert Gordon's College?

Panickingalot · 30/10/2015 11:19

Call him on it or put up with it. There is no point in complaining about something that your not going to do anything about.

RiceCrispieTreats · 30/10/2015 11:33

The lovely and forgiving SIL, who is clearly more talented than him: does he put her down to make himself feel superior, too?

ElleAndAitch · 30/10/2015 11:35

So the man has a huge inferiority complex which manifests itself by him trying to enforce how marvellous he is. Yes, it's annoying, but once you can see how complex and deep-rooted this has to be you can accept he is simply a pitiful creature, no?

Coming here to slag him off says quite a lot about you, actually. We all know someone like this in RL and we recognise it for what it is and find something else to focus on.

pearpotter · 30/10/2015 11:37

"In the face of all that success, do you realise it can sound quite insecure to go on about it?"

CardinalPoint · 30/10/2015 11:41

I know a few people and one Mumsnetter like this, it's very frustrating. I feel a bit sorry for them as I presume they must be very insecure.

Every1KnowsJeffTheJerkOlantern · 30/10/2015 11:46

I have a bil like this.

If we must go anywhere with him and sil, we open a book and take bets on how long it takes the pompous twat to turn the conversation onto himself. Everyone is in on it except them. It passes the time and amuses my childishness

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/10/2015 11:54

ElleAndAitch, this is the second thread in a row I've looked at where you've advised the OP to get off MN and stop venting about something that's annoying them. I think you may have missed a large part of the attraction of MN to most of its users.

OneMoreForExtra · 30/10/2015 11:58

Your description in your OP had me thinking spectrum - this behaviour is very typical of Aspergers, as you / your SIL have picked up. If he is, he can't help his very self-referencing (and deluded) conversation, and taunts won't help (although fantasising about them will offer relief!) because he either won't get them or will wonder why you're being nasty. Direct, factual responses work best - or do on my dear Aspie dad, as in 'we've talked about that for a long time, let's talk about X now'. It's really heavy going, isn't it!

Original poster

minifingerz · 30/10/2015 12:08

", this is the second thread in a row I've looked at where you've advised the OP to get off MN and stop venting about something that's annoying them. I think you may have missed a large part of the attraction of MN to most of its users. hmm"

Ha ha

Some people just lurve to be able to chastise someone else. Mumsnet is a wonderful outlet for those who like to lecture and flagellate / self flagellate, as well as for all the whining and bitching that is best off saved for anonymous forums rather than the dinner table at home....

OP posts:

Xenadog · 30/10/2015 12:19

My FiL is like this. He knows he is a boaster though so can sort of laugh at himself. Everyone else in the family do the eye rolling and smile when he gets going but I can't help calling him on it. I don't do this in a nasty or calculated way but because I genuinely don't understand half the points he makes. He then laughs at himself (a bit) to show he knows he's been a bit of a prat. He's quite entertaining really.

blobbityblob · 30/10/2015 12:26

I have a friend who is a boaster and her dd is the same. Her dd is 10 now and marvellous at everything. It's wearing. Particularly when you know the achievements really aren't any more outstanding than anybody else's. It gets really wearing when they don't do well at something because then the excuses comes out - I didn't do well because x tripped me up etc.

For a while I got quite angry about it, particularly because the boast from the dd particularly was usually followed by, it's a shame you're so rubbish at x, y or z to dd.

When I started reading about superiority complexes however, what I read was that it stems from deep insecurities and lack of self esteem. These people are not comfortable in their own skin. Can't cope with failing at anything. So one should have sympathy for them.

I'm going with that for now and it helps me cope.

EponasWildDaughter · 30/10/2015 12:31

My MIL, love her, can go on about herself for hours. And does!

She's a lovely person though. It's just hard to imagine how someone so kind and understanding can also be so blind to the social faux pas of ''bigging yourself up'' for bloody ages

beela · 30/10/2015 12:32

Ooh yes, this is my stepdad. He never asks any questions about anything, because that would expose the fact that he doesn't know the answer. In fact, he does occasionally ask questions, but only so that it can lead into an anecdote about himself and how much he knows about everything. If you do tell him something he clearly didn't know already, he says 'I was just about to say that'.

We put it down to insecurity because it ramps up to another level when he is around certain people. I find it a bit sad that he feels the need to impress when he is with his own family though.

He also competes for attention with DS, who is five.

BeaBoo · 30/10/2015 12:40

DP has a family member like this. She has a tiny bit of experience in something because she helped run this particular thing in church many years ago. DP has a degree in the same subject. Not that long ago, speaking about this subject, she said to him 'I've forgotten more than you'll ever learn about it'

Jux · 30/10/2015 13:46

Oh gosh, this sounds a bit like dh. And definitely his best friend (who I avoid seeing any more).

The best friend once lectured me for over 20 minutes on a subject I had been working in for nearly 10 years, and then had the cheek to tell me off for interrupting him - well, trying to ask him questions, as he talked over me every time I tried to interject.

Oh, he also once gave me a lecture about what women liked in bed! Ghastly man. Luckily for me, he's gone to live in London, 150 miles away, so I shall not see him again.

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