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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DS should not swear at me & vent his anger over the phone?

15 replies

eloise11 · 29/10/2015 17:39

DS, first year uni, rang a short while ago. Got lost - couldn't find a class. I'd just got home from work and was at the computer. Went onto Google maps and tried very hard to help but he didn't know his bearings or what road he was on. Seemed from what he said that he was close by but without knowing where he was heading, it was hard to help though I tried. His language was punctuated by lots of F words.

He as much told me that I wasn't being any help, finished the call. I rang back shortly afterwards to see what else I could do & after more frustrated, angry words, he said 'I'm going to hang up .' and he did. After that I simply got the message 'calls are not currently being connected to this number'. (He'd still have been walking.) Sure, I shouldn't have bothered trying again but I was wanting to know that he was OK.

No idea now if he's got there or not. Feeling angry, sad, used as a punch bag. Has a tendency to take his feelings out on me but this time he was particularly harsh - clearly he was worried but the anger against me for not being able to exactly tell him the way was palpable.

AIBU to think that though I was going to see him this w/end, I might give it that particular long journey a miss for a week or two?

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 29/10/2015 17:58

I'm finding it hard to imagine phoning my Mum in the case that I, an adult, got lost

Does he have an Internet phone? Were the streets empty of people he could ask?

MaidOfStars · 29/10/2015 18:00

Sorry, that's not constructive.

Is he an anxious person? Has he been struggling to cope? If so, I suspect you going to see him is the right thing to do.

Original poster

eloise11 · 29/10/2015 18:11

MaidofStars - thanks. Yes, come to think of it, he could have used his phone & certainly he could have asked - the place is awash with students.
Anxious? Yes, I think he is but he has, thankfully, settled in & made new friends (school years weren't so good - struggled to make friends). But I feel pretty spent right now. I can cope with minor moments of panic but not with the swearing, the anger & the phone putting down. Hurts.

OP posts:

waitingforcalpoltowork · 29/10/2015 18:11

i would ask for an apology before i bothered to visit plus i would be telling him to reconsider his tone or I would be the one hanging up next time but i can be harsh and would have had words at the time

AyeAmarok · 29/10/2015 18:12

A big dose of "sort yourself out next time" should resolve it.

He's an adult, he needs to act like it and not take it out on mummy.

It's particularly poignant that he, an adult man, calls mummy to swear at her that he's late for class.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 18:17

Were you meant to be going there on Friday or Saturday? Were you going to drive or do you have a ticket booked? Do you have accommodation booked?

If you can easily pull out of the weekend, I would do so. I would just send a message saying "I won't be coming up this weekend after all. I won't put up with you talking to me like that" and leave it at that. He needs a hard lesson that there are consequences to his behaviour.

whois · 29/10/2015 18:19

Unless he has some kind of additional needs, that is awful behaviour. And even then, he shouldn't be swearing at you.

Rebecca2014 · 29/10/2015 18:20

Sorry but if that was me I slam the phone down the moment he swore at me.

Why did you keep phoning him back?? If you want your son to respect you, you need stop being his emotional punch bag.

Original poster

eloise11 · 29/10/2015 18:34

You're all quite right. I am certainly re-thinking this weekend. (NO trains or accommodation booked - was going to make the long journey by car.) DS doesn't have additional needs (it's a good question) and had no excuse whatsoever to speak to me in this way. Over the past few months, he has taken to peppering his language with the F word - OK (not really OK but ..) but when it's directed at me, it truly hurts. He's never sworn at - ever - at home.

Thank you for confirming what I thought deep down - that this was entirely wrong on his part and that his anger was mis-directed. He should just done what anyone else who's temporarily lost they way would do - ask directions, get to class, apologize for being late and get on with it.

OP posts:

Sandsnake · 29/10/2015 18:35

Poor you, that sounds really unpleasant and I can understand why you're upset.

Don't phone him back any more today. Maybe give him a while to calm down before you firmly explain to him how he made you feel. He is an adult and his behaviour is not acceptable. He needs to realise that parents have feelings and he has no right to use you - or anyone - as a verbal punching bag when he is frustrated. Tell him that it will not happen again and that is the end of the matter. If it does happen again in the future then immediately disengage (walk away / phone straight down). You need to teach him now that he can't treat people like this both for you but also for his future wife / girlfriend - as that will probably be the next person that he feels 'safe' enough with to take out his frustration on verbally.

Original poster

eloise11 · 29/10/2015 18:49

You need to teach him now that he can't treat people like this both for you but also for his future wife / girlfriend - as that will probably be the next person that he feels 'safe' enough with to take out his frustration on verbally.

Those are wise word, Sandsnake - thank you. I'm sure when we decide not to put up with rudeness from our DCs, in particular, we're doing it, too, because we want them to treat present and future friends and partners with respect and courtesy.

OP posts:

HackerFucker22 · 29/10/2015 18:52

You go and visit him every weekend???

Original poster

eloise11 · 29/10/2015 18:58

No! Haven't been up since we dropped him off at the start of term. He's been home once but that was it. He has all he needs for now - and loads of study on his plate. So perhaps, as suggested here, I wait awhile.

OP posts:

bigbluebus · 29/10/2015 19:26

I think I would be concerned about this behaviour if it is out of character for him. You say he started swearing at you a few months ago. Did this all tie in with the build up to A level exams, the long wait for results and then the huge step of leaving home and a complete change of lifestyle?

My DS sometimes behaves like this when he is out of his depth and stressed. Whilst it is not acceptable, we don't take it personally but wait until a calmer moment to explain to him that his behaviour was unacceptable. If you know your DS is anxious, perhaps the honeymoon period of Uni is over and he is beginning to realise the huge task ahead. Maybe he needs you to visit him and talk to him and find out how he is really coping at Uni.

IloveJudgeJudy · 30/10/2015 08:29

Does he know that you were going to visit this weekend? If so, I wouldn't pull out. If he doesn't know, then just don't go. I have a DS at uni, too (2nd year). I didn't even find out until this year that he had had a very hard time in the first semester as he dealt with it on his own. I couldn't imagine him ringing me to ask how to get somewhere at all, ever.

I would definitely contact him in the next couple of days for an apology if he doesn't ring you first. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable.

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