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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking DC out of school for family wedding?

41 replies

Namechangenell · 28/10/2015 16:52

BIL is getting married on a Friday. We have two DC, one nursery and one reception. School aged DC will have to miss school to come with us. To be honest, I'd assumed we just wouldn't bring the children to the wedding (and my DM would look after them). We had a family wedding on my side this year and PIL looked after the kids as, to be honest, it would have been no fun for me, keeping two small people entertained for hours in a venue much more suited for adults.

So - MIL is livid that DC1 can't be there to be a flower girl. I said BIL and his fiancée should have thought about that before booking their wedding on a Friday in the middle of term. She also doesn't like me standing up to her and telling her that I don't want the kids at the wedding as I'll just end up looking after them whilst everyone else enjoys themselves. To be honest, it would be easier to stay at home with them!

DH doesn't want to upset his DB, mainly. However, he is also surprised that they booked a Friday slot and then wanted the kids to be there. DBIL is younger than us and pretty clueless when it comes to kids. He hasn't done this maliciously, he just doesn't think. I don't want to cause family WW3 but to me, it's inappropriate to take DC1 out of school. And if I were to concede and allow this (but won't we get fined?) - how do I not end up lumbered with being the primary child carer for the whole event? It's in the middle of nowhere, very rural and there's FA to do with kids. I feel like DH's family think I'm making excuses - I've done my research and being practical, the easiest option is for DH and I to go without the kids, or for DH to go alone.

AIBU to think that MIL is wrong?

OP posts:

Notimefortossers · 28/10/2015 20:10

That's a good point actually. I took DD1 to a wedding when she was 2. It was local so we weren't staying over. She'd never been up later than her bed time before, but I gave her a late nap, packed her pj's and decided to just see how long she'd go for before getting tired and bring her home when she did, stick her pj's on and let her fall asleep in the car.
I barely saw her all night! She was constantly whisked off by some family member or a group of older female children wanting to play mum.
However, I was pregnant with DD2 so couldn't drink anyway.

Notimefortossers · 28/10/2015 20:13

So enjoy a night in a hotel in a big ol comfy bed watching crap TV and get room service :) Some you time

Forgot to mention, DD1 lasted until 11pm at that wedding so not bad! Give them a late nap and see how they go! They might surprise you! It's only one night

GColdtimer · 28/10/2015 20:22

If you wanted them to go YANBU to take them out - reception aged child on a Friday is no big deal especially if she is not yet 5.

But if you don't want to take them (and nor would I, don't get these people who think a 2 and 4 year old would love a long boring day with no other kids for company) then you have the perfect excuse that you have been refused authorisation.

Your choice at the end of the day.

Pilgit · 28/10/2015 21:42

We asked and got permission to take DD1 out of school for BIL wedding. It was on a Tuesday so we had to do 2 days. I had the added issue of DH helping out with the wedding photos. But the family all get involved with the girls so it was great.

NewLife4Me · 28/10/2015 22:06

I must admit OP I can see why your mil is a bit peeved.
You come across as weirdly selfish when you say you don't want to look after your children because everybody else will be enjoying themselves.
The weirdness is that you don't think you'll enjoy yourself with your dc there.
Maybe her problem isn't you standing up for yourself but the way you come across and your attitude.
Just saying how it reads.

Only1scoop · 28/10/2015 22:14

Easy to get a day off for them both under 5 I would think.

The flower girl thing has been dreamed up by your mil how embarrassing.

Does sound as if you don't want them there though. Why is all the childcare down to you. Your DH would be there.

Fairenuff · 28/10/2015 22:32

This isn't about taking time out of school, this is about you wanting to be able to enjoy the day alongside your dh. I think that if that's what you want to do and your mum is happy to babysit, you should leave it at that.

Your MIL doesn't get a say. Just tell her that you and dh decided to enjoy a day without children to look after and be able to share your BIL's special day with him.

dulcefarniente · 28/10/2015 22:57

I can understand your BIL not having a clue about flower girls but I'd assume the bride has a clear idea who she wants for her attendants. If this is your MIL meddling wouldn't it be a good idea to talk to the bride? It may be she wants a child free wedding and then you can just go along with her wishes for her special day. Then both of you are happy.

Tink06 · 29/10/2015 08:04

Yabu. You have children so you take them to family weddings. You aren't providing the bulk of the childcare - you are spending a lovely family day with them. What z strange way to look at it.

I would have loved dd ti have been a flower girl - I don't think you'd mil is being unreasonable at all wanting it too.
I agree the school thing is a red herring - 1 day in reception is hardly going to cause a problem, especially when you offset it against a lovely family day and the memory of being a flower girl.

LIZS · 29/10/2015 08:15

Perhaps your dh needs to point out to his dm that dd wasn't invited , as a flower girl or otherwise.

ThursdayLastWeek · 29/10/2015 08:22

YANBU.
Sounds like a frustrating mish mash of communication.
I'd just stick with your original plan.

TurnOffTheTv · 29/10/2015 08:26

So the oldest is only 4? She doesn't legally have to be in school yet anyway, I don't see the problem at all.
You're just being awkward because it sounds like you can't be bothered to look after the children when you feel like you should be having a 'good time'

junebirthdaygirl · 29/10/2015 08:29

Missing a day off school is not a big deal so that is not an issue. When we got married two of my dhs siblings said please don't invite the children gas we would love a day and night away by ourselves. We went with that. We didn't care either way as children were very young like yours and l didn't want any flower girls. Your bil sounds the same. As already said talk to the bride. But dont make school the issue. I can fully understand you not wanting a two year old up late. But try and be diplomatic with mil as you don't want your issues to interfere with the wedding.

GColdtimer · 29/10/2015 09:26

Not sure why people are being so judgy about the OP not wanted to have her children at a wedding that is obviously not geared for children. Weddings can be long and boring for kids and at 2 and 4 will require full time looking after, the two year old is likely to want to sit still at any part of the day leaving the OP chasing her around and trying to entertain her/keep her quiet during the vows, speeches etc. They also may need to go to bed early leaving the OP sitting in a hotel room wth sleeping children whilst everyone else enjoys themsevles. Being a flower girls is lovely for about half an hour, the rest of the time it can be pretty dull. I have happily taken my DC to weddings where they have been welcome and there have been lots of other children to run around with. I have also left them with my mum and enjoyed a nice meal in peace, a proper catch up with old friends and a couple of glasses of wine. Neither is wrong.

Paintedhandprints · 29/10/2015 10:47

Indolent want to take my young dc tone wedding either op. We took ds at 14mo to my brothers wedding this summer and I missed the ceremony because he kicked off and wanted to run about the chapel, missed the canapés because he was having a nap, dinner was awkward, couldn't really talk to anyone cos was trying to feed ds. He got whingey cos food was served much later than he normally ate. Dh was best man so was on a different table. Then ended up following him around the venue for most of the evening until a cousin took over because it wasn't child friendly. So all in all sometimes it's better not to take your young dc. Oh and had to leave about 9 to get back to hotel and bed. Went to another wedding couple of months later and pil babysat. Was much more relaxing, however had to leave at 9pm because they couldn't get him to sleep.

Dowser · 29/10/2015 11:05

We took three of our grandchildren out of school for a week last month for our wedding in the canaries.

They had a fabulous time, enjoyed their new experiences, time with their home edded cousins, two had never flown before and the youngest agd five stayed up till midnight.

They make a wedding inmy opinion and were beautifully behaved.

I couldn't have wished for better.

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