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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selfish dh or am I expecting too much?

20 replies

Workingprogress · 27/10/2015 15:32

I'm 11 weeks pregnant and this morning had to go for a reassure scan due to complication with the pregnancy.(OH is off due due to half term so stayed with dd at home). Everything was fine and I came hope elated. As I walked through the door I was greeted by dd (3yrs) she gave me a hug and small talk Oh was next to us in the kitchen. I went upstairs and he followed making small talk about someone parking in my parking space, once upstairs he asked how was the scan and did u get a picture. I was very annoyed that he hasn't asked me as I came in esp as he know how anxious I was but as I'm 'letting things go' and not 'nagging' (his words) I didn't say anything just answered his questions. Within half an hour he the suggested we go food shopping, I told him I wasn't feeling up to it but he can go alone.
He came home with said food shopping and shouted to me upstairs to come Unpack the shopping as he needs to go out, I told I wasn't feeling well and I can't his response ' you have to do it cos the things needs to go in the fridge/ freezer and I need to go out, slams door and leaves. Am I being unreasonable in thinking he's a self arsehole??

I'm really working on myself and trying to be self aware and accept my role in our arguments if I say something to him he will say I'm over reacting and twist it to make it look like am at fault.
This is a minor thing in a long list full of his selfishness.
I had a miscarriage earlier in the year and he 'had' to go football. We go on our family holiday and he meets friends and practically abandons us to go socialise with them. Our daughter was sick one night on holiday once she was asleep I sleep next to her, he asks if he can go to the bar with his 'friends' as we're going sleep.
His needs ways come before ours and he doesn't seems to realise how selfish he can be. Or maybe he's not selfish and I'm just expecting too much of him...

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 27/10/2015 15:41

Sounds to me like he likes to avoid anything 'unpleasant'
Perhaps he didn't like to mention the scan in front of DD?
You have to talk to him and not expect him to 'know' what you expect and if you are unhappy with what he wants to do - tell him.

JoySzasz · 27/10/2015 15:45

What l read is a lack of care from him.
No excuse, but is he very young?

Booboostwo · 27/10/2015 15:46

Sounds like you are going through a stressful time and small things are getting to you.

Is it possible he didn't ask you anything when you came in because your young DD was there and he thought it would be better to talk in private? Did he then get annoyed with you for being annoyed with him and everyone's stress was taken out on each other?

I am very sorry about your MC. I don't know how your DH felt about it but some people manage grief by distracting themselves so maybe the football was a distraction for him?

As for going out when DD was sick, it does sound a tad selfish but if DD was not seriously sick and didn't need a lot of exhausting care it doesn't sound that awful for one parent to go out while the other looked after her, as long as he was willing to reciprocate.

BlueBlueBelles · 27/10/2015 15:49

I read it that he was waiting until dd was out of earshot to ask about scan.

Where did he need to go when he went out? Was it an appointment you knew about?

You may be feeling ill, but too ill to unpack the shopping?

Flip it on its head - you did all the shopping, needed to be somewhere, calls your DH down to unpack and he said he felt too under the weather. The board would be screaming he was UR.

So in this case I do think you've been a little UR.

I'm glad your scan went well, and I know your hormones are all over the place, but I don't think your DH was that UR tbh

TantrumsAndBalloons · 27/10/2015 15:50

It does sound as if relatively small things are upsetting you.
Not asking about the scan instantly- I mean how long did it honestly take him to ask?

Also if one of our dcs were sick and either I or dh wanted to go out for the evening, I wouldn't think that's a huge problem?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/10/2015 15:54

I think yabu today. He asked as soon as he possibly could about the scan. He must have known all,was well as you said you were elated coming through the door.

He left you to rest whilst he did the supermarket shop, it wouldn't have hurt you to put the things away. Dh and I always do this for each other.

The other things Im not so,sure.

Original poster

Workingprogress · 27/10/2015 15:56

We were on holiday when dd was sick and it was friends he'd just met that day at the hotel and spent all day with. He's 33.
Dd was next to me when he asked about the scan. He was meeting his friend to help him with something.
I appreciate I could be hormonal and over sensitive which I why I made this most.

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 27/10/2015 15:57

I think YABU on the first instance, he was just waiting until DD was out of earshot before he asked you - that's sensible.

The second, I'm not sure. It would have been nice for you to help him, I think, considering he'd gone out and done the shopping and let you rest at home for a while. Were you really feeling THAT sick?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 27/10/2015 15:57

X-post about DD.

BackInTheRealWorld · 27/10/2015 15:57

I think yabu sorry. Now go put the shopping away!

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2015 15:59

I read it that he was waiting until dd was out of earshot to ask about scan. Me too.

I think the shopping thing could be either way. Why did he need to go out? How ill were you feeling? I know that sounds callous but if DH was under the weather and I had done the shopping and had ot do out, if he wasn't really ill, I might want help.

The holiday/football stuff sounds rough.

Meandyou150 · 27/10/2015 16:02

Think your being unreasonable sorry. If my other half had gone out and done the food shopping whilst I rested, even if I felt like shit I'd attempt to go and help him put the stuff away. It's just good manners really

GruntledOne · 27/10/2015 16:11

I don't understand what your issue was about the scan. Does it seriously make a difference whether he asks you about it the second you come in or whether he waits a short time? He could probably tell by your expression when you came in that the news was OK.

As for the food shopping - might he have felt that, as you were well enough to go out for your scan you were probably well enough to put the shopping away - especially when he'd taken the trouble to go out and do the actual shopping?

I must admit that if you and dd were going to sleep when she was unwell I can't see any reason why your dp shouldn't have gone to the bar.

I would accept that his conduct when you had a miscarriage wasn't OK - but in general it does rather read as if you are looking for reasons to take offence.

IjustGotmy2016diary · 27/10/2015 16:12

YABU about asking about the scan and about the shopping.

Not BU about going out on holiday and so abandoning you but if you are going to bed anyway I don't see the issue - unless he gets so drunk he is fit for nothing the next day

Original poster

Workingprogress · 27/10/2015 16:26

With him knowing how anxious I was I was expecting him to ask straight away. But fair enough I can accept I'm being unreasonable

With the holiday things, it annoyed me as we had been away on many holidays together (before dd) and he didn't left me to go hang out with other people, I think I felt jealous that I was left holding the baby while he was off having a good time.
Thank you all for your opinions, maybe I am looking for issues.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 27/10/2015 16:29

he had to go to football when you had a miscarriage?

unless you've missed out something really important here - I can't think what though! - he sounds like a total arse.

and how long would it have taken him to put the shopping away?!

Fairenuff · 27/10/2015 16:46

Presumably you were well enough to look after your dd while he was out so why couldn't you just put the fridge/freezer stuff away after he'd been out to get it all?

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2015 17:11

How essential was it that shopping happened today? Unless really essential, it sounds like bad planning on his part that he shopped when he knew he didn't have time to finish the job.

Or was it deliberate petulance? You didn't shop with him, so you can damn well put it away?

Of course it would have been nice of you to help / do it, if up to the task but he hadn't checked you were, before committing you to it, had he. That's either not very clever or not very nice.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2015 17:14

Anyone who accuses you of nagging is pretty rubbish. That alone speaks volumes about his attitude.

The holiday stuff, as a whole, sounds crap.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/10/2015 18:42

Sometimes when one thing gets into our heart it colours everything. I wonder if the understandable hurt you felt about the football and the miscarriage has come between ye and now nothing is right. You could have come straight in the door talking about the scan. You didn't need to be asked. Also l hate coming back from shopping and then putting it away. I expect my dh to do that. He was probably excited meeting friends on holidays and really going out with them isn't a big deal. So miscarriage is the big one. Feel it has come between ye and now he can't win.

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