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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how many apologies are necessary?

25 replies

shropshireslovely · 26/10/2015 10:26

I was snappy and rude to DH over the weekend. We were putting together flatpack furniture, and he couldn't understand the instructions. I explained how barrel bolts work and he was all "yeah yeah, I know", then started doing it wrong. I snapped and asked why he said he knew when he clearly didn't. And then he threw down the furniture, told me I was rude and stormed off.

I went after him and apologised - said he was right, I had been rude and was sorry. That was apparnetly too late, and I dind't say it right. I left him a little while then and said sorry again. He talked over me, telling me he was too busy to listen. I left it til he was out then sent him an apologetic text. He seemed to respond ok but then continued to be abrupt with me when back home.

I tiptoed round him all afternoon and evening because he's away all week and I didn't want to leave on bad terms, but he kept knocking back offers of help and being really dismissive. I know it's my fault because I started it - should I have kept apologising til he accepted it? It feels like I'm still being punished for a moments lack of patience and rudeness which I regretted and tried immediately to make amends for.

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 26/10/2015 10:29

Where's the apology from him for throwing down the furniture and storming off?

You were snappy and impatient, but you said sorry. He needs to get over it, and to apologise for his subsequent behaviour.

Keeptrudging · 26/10/2015 10:30

Your first one was enough apology for being ratty whilst assembling flat pack. There was no need for anything more. He's milking it/being crappy for the sake of it. I would ignore any more toddler behaviour.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 26/10/2015 10:34

I think you've been remarkably restrained in not telling him to snap out of it and stop behaving like a small child as he can't bear a woman being right and him being wrong. Because that's how it comes across.

I wouldn't apologise again. You've done enough.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 26/10/2015 10:39

Blimey. You are being very patient. He really would have been told to fuck off by me by now. I'd probably have thrown some flat pack at him.

Sounds like a bloody twat!

LadyLonely1 · 26/10/2015 10:40

Sounds like he needs to get over himself. Seems likes he's emabarrassed that he couldn't follow the instructions and taking it out on you.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/10/2015 10:43

Damn shitting flat pack, would make Our lady loose her rag.
In answer to your question though. Should I have kept apologizing until he accepted it. Erm no certainly not, so you were supposed to follow him around like a little puppy saying "sorry sorry sorry sorry ". God knows how many times.
You'vd said sorry. That's enough. If he hasn't accepted the ball is now in his court.
Yes where indeed is his apology to you. It seems like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to me.

SoDiana · 26/10/2015 10:52

You has offended his manliness. Worse than being mortally wounded.

Inertia · 26/10/2015 11:00

Two are necessary.

One from you, for shouting.

One from him, for storming off and throwing down furniture.

It'd be nice if he also gave you an apology for subsequently acting like a petulant twat, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

catfordbetty · 26/10/2015 11:02

He is being silly and acting from wounded pride - perhaps he believes men should be superior in practical matters. Incidentally, almost all the arguments I've had with my husband have arisen during flat pack assembly if that's any comfort.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 26/10/2015 11:07

The only two giant arguments my DH and I have had are over bastard flat packs! I love him he's marvellous but no clue with flat packs, I am however rather good at them it is our absolute nemesis and text first one we did together (rather than individually) nearly ended in divorce over a spare bolt! However I wouldn't be apologising more than once and he would say sorry if he'd been a dick

MissingPanda · 26/10/2015 11:34

One apology from you was enough. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a petulant toddler.

AdjustableWench · 26/10/2015 11:51

Flat packs bring out the worst in people. The only reason my DH and I never got divorced over a flat pack is because I know I'm shit at putting stuff together and I know he's better at it. But that's ok because it fits the gender stereotype of DIY man and clueless woman. When it's the other way around you're taking on the whole of western social construction if you explain how barrel bolts work.
YANBU.

Arfarfanarf · 26/10/2015 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/10/2015 11:56

Don't apologise again. One sincere apology was enough. He should be equally sorry for his behaviour.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 26/10/2015 11:58

agggh did the ickle man get upset by a nasty woman knowing more than him.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and show him the stuff you built whilst he was sulking

Nonnainglese · 26/10/2015 12:01

Pathetic man, sounds like a spoilt, petulant brat.

He needs to grow up, but unfortunately these 'I know it all' types never do.

Original poster

shropshireslovely · 26/10/2015 12:39

Thank you, you've all helped a lot. I know I didn't come across at all well to him and would have been upset myself if he'd spoken to me like that - so kind of felt I'd deserved a bit of stroppiness back, but didn't know how much was acceptable/normal...

Definitely some wounded pride, I think, but he also has form for refusing to accept apologies which I find incredibly upsetting.

I will leave the ball in his court now but he's not back til next week so I'm a bit worried about how things will be after a week of festering on it

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 26/10/2015 13:38

Definitely some wounded pride, I think, but he also has form for refusing to accept apologies which I find incredibly upsetting.

This needs addressing.

Your first apology sounded sincere, soon after the event and entirely sufficient. If this goes on, or happens again, you need to go on the offensive and make it clear what a petulant child he is to reject apologies in this way and how you will not be going down on your hands and knees and constantly apologising in future just because he wants to be a big baby.

DoreenLethal · 26/10/2015 13:38

I'd stop pandering to this - apologise once if you feel you need to then get on with things. All you are doing here is making him the boss of you.

If he festers and carries it on tell him to grow the fuck up.

GruntledOne · 26/10/2015 13:41

Good grief, that's the second thread on here today where a manchild is sulking because he doesn't feel his wife has apologised abjectly enough to him when she blatantly has. I agree that you need to have a conversation with him about acting like a grown-up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2015 14:00

DH is useless at apologising and useless at accepting apologies. Not his fault, his DF taught him well. After a proper, really sincere apology, if he carries on I will say something like, "I'm done now, you can choose to still be annoyed but it's not down to me" or similar. It normally snaps him out of it.

Wineandrosesagain · 26/10/2015 14:10

Why are you worried about how things will be in a week? Let him worry about it! In your shoes I would be well pissed off by now and quite happy to see the back of him for a week. I would also be letting him know that I'd had enough of the sulking. You really do need to have a conversation about how his this type of behaviour and regular sulking/expecting an apology but refusing to accept it (WTF?) is going to adversely affect your relationship over time (if it hasn't already). Do you have children? If you do, I would be very concerned that a) they will copy the behaviour he is modelling and b) they will be upset at the atmosphere in the house - not a nice place to be with Mr sulky-twat.

Leelu6 · 26/10/2015 14:42

YANBU. You have apologised many times. I wouldn't apologise any more.

The more you apologise, the more he will expect in future. I would let him text you while he is away. He needs to know you won't respond to childish behaviour.

Original poster

shropshireslovely · 26/10/2015 14:43

Yes, we have children and the rule is that a genuine apology merits a hug and we all move on immediately. I'm not sure why he is different with me - it's like me saying sorry isn't in the script and he doesn't know how to deal with it.

I'm worried about the end of the week because I know I ought to raise all this with him (5foot5 has exactly what I'd like to say) but know it'll rebound somehow. I'm not very good at keeping calm when we discuss opposing views but if I get upset and frustrated, that'll become the new "issue" that we need to sort instead.

(In fairness, I have lost my rag spectacularly in the past, so I'm not pretended it isn't an issue - just not today's issue ideally)

OP posts:

howabout · 26/10/2015 14:50

My ultimate threat for this sort of thing is that I will just get a man in to do the job properly. Now that we are older we are more or less agreed that is generally better any way.

I cannot be bothered with sulking and would have provoked a full on shouting match till he got it all out his system. In our case that usually results in one or both of us rediscovering our sense of humour.

Flip