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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell MIL she can't stay for a week because I will actually kill her?

54 replies

Lasaraleen · 26/10/2015 08:14

I apologise in advance for the length, because I fear this might turn a bit ranty.

MIL drives me insane. She is deeply racist and xenophobic, which comes out enough when sober, but she also drinks heavily which leads to slurred rants on immigrants (one memorable quote "Those asylum seekers don't need them food vouchers, because I've seen them in the supermarket, and they're all fat"). She has at least mostly stopped drinking till she throws up now, but I still haven't forgiven her for the times i've had to clean her spattered vomit up from the bathroom, including once when I got up to feed dd I the night and found the sink covered in dried on sick.

She is the messiest, dirtiest adult i've ever met. Making a cup of tea invariably involves scattering tea and milk all over the kithen and leaving all the cupboard doors open. She leaves little bits of used tissue all over the house (including by the toilet). When she leaves her bed is usually full of mud and crumbs and although obviously I wash the bedding I always feel like I want to fumigate the room before ds goes back in.

She has massive social problems, to the point where she can't actually hold a conversation. She just can't take in what the other person is saying and uses the time they are talking to decide what she's going to say next, which is usually unrelated. With more than one person this is worse - she just can't follow the conversation in any way so over most dinners just gets increasingly drunk and loudly talks over the top of everyone (see rants about immigrants above). This also means she can't interact with the dc at all and they both get increasingly frustrated with each other.

She usually comes to stay for 5 days at a time. This is bad enough. She always comes for Christmas as she is a widow and dh is an only child (and she's fallen out with everyone else she's ever known). That's fine. However, yesterday she announced that she's booked her tickets (totally undiscussed with us) and is coming for a week. I genuinely think I might kill her if she's here that long. So after all that, AIBU to think up an excuse and tell her she can't stay that long? Or just fucking tell her?!

OP posts:

PunkrockerGirl · 26/10/2015 10:06

Oh gosh OP that sounds dreadful.
Is there a b&b nearby so that at least she wouldn't be staying in your home? If there is I'd be making damn sure that dh was responsible for fetching her and taking her back at times specified by you.

Marcipex · 26/10/2015 10:08

Agree with extremely limited alcohol supply, citing health/example to dcs, and making it plain it's not due to financial constraints, so that she doesn't buy more drink for you.
Maybe you could say laughingly, You know you're awful when you're drunk! Rather than a serious talk?

But I'd have lost it long ago, I'd have dragged her out of bed to clean up the sink.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/10/2015 10:21

Whatever you decide, I would definitely get DH to be the messenger.

We had the same when we lived abroad and MIL wanted to come for two weeks over Christmas, meaning my parents would not have been able to come. DH told her four days only. BIL had a big fat rant at DH about how selfish we were, but somehow, we managed to live with that

fuzzywuzzy · 26/10/2015 10:29

O.M.G!

IF your DH refuses to tell her no, I'd pack up DD and go stay with friends/parents/relatives. Anywhere you can have a calm tranquil Christmas. And tell your DH you expect the house to be clean when you return.

If she comes over for a shorter more acceptable time, book her into a B7B, failing that, get your DH to clean up after her every single time, so if it is dried sick spattered sink in the middle of the night, you wake him up and get him to clean it.

Tell him you will be doing that.

I bet he will suddenly decide he needs his DM to stay in B&B's too.

Ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2015 10:33

Jesus she sounds disgusting

Your DH should be dealing with all of this, from negotiating time limits to clearing up her filth.

Gruntfuttock · 26/10/2015 14:15

Does she ever apologise, OP? I don't think I could bear having her in my house. If your DH wants her there I think I'd have to go somewhere else with the children and get a deep clean burn the house down when she's left. She's vile.

Original poster

Lasaraleen · 26/10/2015 23:28

Sorry for not replying for ages, I was at work. Thanks very much for all the responses. I feel vindicated.

Dh has very little relationship with her and feels similarly to me. I think he has become a bit more desensitised to it over the years though. He does clear up after her but I guess I do more of it because I work part time, so tend to be in the house with her more. Not sure how I ended up with the vomit - like I said thankfully she hasn't done that for a while.

The problem is all in her inability to communicate. She is never wrong - the pp who said bet she has never apologised is absolutely right! So, for example, if I had woken her up over the sick in sink episode she would have been terribly defensive, somehow it would have been my fault, we would have had a row and at the end of it there would still have been sick in my sink.

We have a precedent set now where she comes here every year for Christmas. I couldn't leave her on her own and it's far less painful than going to her filthy house. My family also come here every year (which is good as it dilutes her out) but stay in a hotel as we can't put everyone up. We've done this for at least the last 5 years so I guess she has assumed, but she's never tried to stay for a week before! Am wondering how I can get her into the hotel as well...

I know it's dh's problem really but I knew what I was letting myself in for with her when I married him and he is no better at getting through to her than I am. So it feels like whatever we do about her we do it together. And he is lovely, really - don't quite know how but I'm not sure they spent much time together as he was growing up!

Oh, and at the risk of sounding like an alcoholic, I definitely can't get through a whole week with her on a strict no alcohol policy. Good idea to try and limit the drinking though. Maybe I can hide the brandy bottle.

OP posts:

shadowfax07 · 26/10/2015 23:43

Do you have a garage or a shed, OP? Could be just the place to hide the brandy! You have my sympathies, DP's mother can be 'difficult' too, although not quite as full on as your MIL. I've only had to take out her contact lenses when she was too pissed incapable.

Ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2015 23:59

You could store your alcohol in the one place she'd never look - your cleaning cupboard!

sorry not helpful

bettyberry · 27/10/2015 00:05

I'd book a hotel and send her the room reservation details! after all she booked tickets and told you the dates she's staying!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 27/10/2015 00:08

Are you absolutely sure it's mud in the bed?!
I think you and DH need to tell her that she has to take her turn in a hotel this year.

Jux · 27/10/2015 00:12

I'd go for bettyberry's solution.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 27/10/2015 00:14

Could your parents stay with you this year? Then you or DH could tell her that she's welcome to stay in a b & b or hotel but it's your parents' turn to stay with you. Seems fair after 5 years.

Bogeyface · 27/10/2015 00:24

I very much doubt that they are mud crumbs.....I am the least icky person going but that would be enough to insist she stays in a hotel in future, let them deal with her bum crumbs.

TheExMotherInLaw · 27/10/2015 00:27

Rearrange the house (temporarily) so there's no room for any visitors, so she HAS to stay in a hotel.

MillionToOneChances · 27/10/2015 00:28

I agree with putting her in the hotel, either with your parents or as her turn while they stay with you. She's overstepped considerably by booking for longer than usual without checking with you first. The hotel sends a clear message.

Sounds like your son has to give up his room when she comes? You could say that as he gets older (how old is he?!) his space is more important to him, so visits over 3 nights need to be booked in a hotel. The precedent is set as your parents have stayed in one for years. And dates must be checked before flights are booked, as she was lucky you hadn't booked something else.

NanaNina · 27/10/2015 00:36

She sounds charming! Can you afford to pay for her to stay in a Travel Lodge (as you didn't know she was coming for a week) and have arranged for some of your family to stay - or something. How far away does she live - are you talking flights when she says she has tickets. How long does she usually stay. A week is a long time to have anyone staying. My son and dil and g/chdrn don't live in the UK but we find 4 days is quite long enough and wouldn't dream of booking flights without checking it's ok.

notquitehuman · 27/10/2015 00:49

I also vote for staying with your parents, letting your DH deal with her mess and bullshit. Hopefully it'll mean he will start to stand up to her.

Or you could say you've already got your family staying and they have first dibs this year, so there's no space for her.

Or you could host a needy immigrant family and enjoy the fireworks! (Don't do this, I'd feel bad for the immigrant family.)

CookieDoughKid · 27/10/2015 01:29

Fuck no. Is this a joke? I sincerely hope not. I don't mean to offend but your MIL would not be stepping over my threshold on account of the racist part alone. Why are you both tolerating her? God the stress is NOT worth it. Have her stay in a B&B and meet her somewhere for dinner. She sounds like a selfish uncivilised drama queen. Fuck no.

Bogeyface · 27/10/2015 01:46

Tell her that she is more than welcome, but that she will have to stay on the sofa as you are hosting a refugee family. The refund on the tickets will be so fast that her debit card will spontaneously combust.

knackered69 · 27/10/2015 01:49

Bogeyface

Senpai · 27/10/2015 02:06

You are a better person than I. I would have made her clean her own sick up in the morning, or DH. I don't "do" vomit. DD should count herself lucky I clean up hers when she's sick.

I would tell her no flat out and that she needs to stay in a hotel. When she comes over, she must be sober and remain sober.

We've put away drinks for friends when they come over if they are trying not to drink. You can have a much needed brandy in the evening when she leaves.

BlueBananas · 27/10/2015 02:54

I'm always amazed that people put up with this kind of behaviour, especially at Christmas time

Don't you want your DC to enjoy their childhood Christmasses and look back on them with find memories when they're older?
Why would you let your MIL make it so they actually remember her getting pissed, shouting racial slurs at everyone, throwing up everywhere, leaving skid marks on their bed (sorry OP it is not mud) and making the atmosphere very uncomfortable?

Sorry but widow or no widow I would not allow this woman into my house and I would have no qualms about telling her exactly the reasons why

OnlyLovers · 27/10/2015 09:27

I agree with Senpai and Blue.

Between you and your DH you have to toughen up, OP, and stand up for yourselves. Book the woman a hotel and send her the booking details. Arrange a dinner or whatever when you will come to meet her. Don't engage in any further communication. Lock your door.

It's YOUR and your kids' Christmas as well as hers. Why should she dictate and ruin it all?

lovelyupnorth · 27/10/2015 09:39

OP you got me on the title, YANBU - if i have never see my MIL again i'd be happy and FIL is worth

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