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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have we BU re MIL?

31 replies

FeelLikeATwat · 25/10/2015 17:38

Basically I think we were VVU - DH thinks not. Throwing it open to the mumsnet jury.

We were meant to go to MIL's for lunch today, decided to go shopping in town first. About ten minutes before we needed to leave town to go to hers, we had an enormous row. (It was based on a misunderstanding and is now resolved, so not the point of the post.) In the course of this row I stormed off went to get some air, and DH panic-texted MIL that we now weren't coming.

She then started ringing him and me alternately. Both of us by this point were trying to find each other again so cancelled her calls.

We sorted the row (in the course.of which DH told me that he'd said to her we weren't going), got back to the car and decided he'd better ring her to explain, apologise and say we'd be up in a minute (at this point we were only a few minutes late).

He then opened his phone to find a stream of horrible texts saying we were disgusting for cancelling so late, we had no respect, why weren't we answering phones etc. So DH then said he didn't actually want to go and texted her to explain we'd had a bad row. And got another horrible text back.

I think we were BU to cancel last minute, but have a small amount of sympathy with DH's pov that if a close family member texts last-minute to say they can't come to something, and then you can't get hols of them

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelLikeATwat · 25/10/2015 17:41

Argh posted too soon:

...you don't automatically assume they're awful people and maybe show some concern rather than flaming them? We have no form for this at all BTW.

I do feel very guilty we let her down last minute but think the texts were OTT horrible. I've had a few as well even though I had no.communication with her at all regarding this, and not going was not my decision or what I wanted.

I think dh should just ring and grovel apologise and we can all move on, but he thinks her reactionade the situation worse and she is partly to blame and is unwilling to apologise again.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
sohelpmegoad · 25/10/2015 17:44

Leave them to sort it out between themselves, if you get involved one or the other or both will end up blaming you. They might anyway, but if you don't get involved at least you will know it wasn't you.

ZenNudist · 25/10/2015 17:44

Um yes. You're right. It vvvU to cancel last minute. Poor woman sat there with a cooked meal for more mouths than she can feed. Think of the cost and the hassle she went to. How would you feel if someone did that to you. No wonder she told you off.

Flowers and an apology pronto.

whois · 25/10/2015 17:45

She shouldn't have text nasty things.

But your DH is a total idiot for 1) saying he wasn't going and 2) doing it by text. Not sure why having a row meant he couldn't go on his own anyway.

What adults row so badly they storm off and cancel attendance at a family event only to kiss and make up 10 mins later? Sounds a bit Eastenders.

KatieLatie · 25/10/2015 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

solvendie · 25/10/2015 17:47

She is not to blame. You're unreasonable.....but understandably the circumstances were what they were and she should move on. Apologise and that should be the end of it

Chottie · 25/10/2015 17:48

Oh dear! it's just one of those things. I'm a MiL and I would just be relieved to hear you had patched things up, rather than worrying about an eaten meal.

In your shoes, both DH and I would apologise and we would invite them round for a meal next weekend.

tibbawyrots · 25/10/2015 17:51

You owe her big apologies for your (you and your DH) part of what happened. Explain you had had a row and are very sorry to have put her out as she would have had prepared for you arriving. She phoned both of you to find out what was going on at the last minute and you both cancelled her calls - that is incredibly rude IMO.

Not that that excuses her horrible texts to you both though but I think if you're both adult enough to admit that you were rude and inconsiderate to her then she may well apologise for her texts. Lot of grovelling!

And best done sooner rather than later. Good luck!

knaffedoff · 25/10/2015 17:56

I would be fuming and extremely hurt if I had cooked for a family for them to cancel via text. Nor would I be in a hurry to invite them again. I think you both should be apologising with flowers

Original poster
FeelLikeATwat · 25/10/2015 17:56

Yes I think proper apology plus reciprocal make-up invitation is in order.

whois I can see how it looks like that but we're actually not at all East Endersy and very rarely row. I think that's why DH panicked actually as it's not something he's used to dealing with. I left because I was mortified that people might realise we were arguing and just wanted to get out of there.

I do think we've been VU though so will work on persuading dh to call her.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 25/10/2015 18:10

the answer to this depends a bit on the "stream of horrible texts". I'd be annoyed if someone cancelled last minute but wouldn't send that stream....

Original poster
FeelLikeATwat · 25/10/2015 18:15

Variations on 'you are both disgusting, I'm horribly disappointed in you. How dare you treat me like this?!' x about 7 for dh and a few for me. At which point all she knew was something had happened and we couldn't come, so (though obviously it wasn't) it could have been one of us being ill or something like that. I thought a bit OTT but do understand she was upset.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 25/10/2015 18:19

ooh, that's not good. Apologies all round I guess!

diddl · 25/10/2015 18:22

So from MILs POV you cancelled last minute & then she couldn't contact either of you?

Your husband sounds an absolute drama llama-cancelling for both of you & then telling his mum it was due to a "big row".

Are you over involved in each others lives?

mumofthemonsters808 · 25/10/2015 18:23

I don't agree with sending nasty texts, but if I were your Mil and I had been slaving over a hot oven all day and then you cancelled I'd be pissed off too. Get your Oh to treat his Mum to lunch one day to make up for this.

whois · 25/10/2015 18:28

I left because I was mortified that people might realise we were arguing and just wanted to get out of there

So it sounds like you and DH just kind of panicked and he made a bad decision texting MIL. But the stream of texts from MIL is really horrible.

Has she been like that before?

If not I would suggest DH puts it to one side and does the grovelling.

Houseworkavoider · 25/10/2015 18:29

It was your dh who cancelled so it was him in the wrong imho.
I would get him to send flowers but I would be properly Angry about the texts.

tiggytape · 25/10/2015 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Axekick · 25/10/2015 18:33

Quite honestly you all sound a bit dramatic. You for storming out, it's all well and good saying it was to get some air. But you walked off leaving him not knowing what was going on or where you were.

Him for assuming you had ran off (although the fact that your were right outside suggests you actually walked away, not went for some air) and immediately cancelling lunch and involving mil.

Mil for the nasty texts. Although I would love to know exactly what he put.

Really unsure as to why you didn't answer the phone when she kept calling you since you didn't know he had contacted her.

Yanbu though. The apology should come from your side

Original poster
FeelLikeATwat · 25/10/2015 18:41

I didn't answer the phone to her as I assumed she was just checking where we were (five mins late) and was a) using my phone to try to call DH and b) as all a bit cross very much feeling 'She's his mother he can deal with whatever it is. '

DH (and I) have no form for this so no idea why she jumped to conclusion we were being nobs (though as tiggy says we were). It was all a bit melodramatic - we are both very stressed at the moment with various things so I think it just spiralled a bit when normally wouldnt have even resulted in a minor tiff.

OP posts:
namechangedtoday15 · 25/10/2015 18:50

I don't think its necessarily the cancelling last minute that was deserving of nasty texts - it was the fact that neither of you would answer her calls. How childish is that? It would have taken you (or better your husband) 10 seconds to say "hi X, we're just in the middle of a crisis, give me 5 minutes and I'll call you back" so (a) she wasn't worried, and (b) you had the courtesy to at least answer her call.

You could then have decided what you were going to do, and then called her back to explain.

I think you and your H both need to learn to be grown ups - sorry.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 25/10/2015 18:54

if someone I was close to cancelled at the last minute and then I could not get hold of them or their spouse, I would be very worried that something was badly wrong - illness accident or some other emergency. I would be releived once contact was re-established, to be told it was 'only' a row, and that all was resolved!

There would be no texting of 'you are disgusting' and the like.
Is she normally a nice, rational person?

That said, I think you ought to be big about it and apologise/send her some flowers.

Axekick · 25/10/2015 18:55

Sh is his mother but she was calling you. Do you have nothing to do with mil at all ever?

I barely do with my mil, they live very far away. But if she called me I would answer. Bizarre that you wouldn't tbh.

As you weren't with him at this point you didn't know she was calling both of you.

Surely after the first (given you didn't know what was happening) you would have answered incase there is something wrong.

EponasWildDaughter · 25/10/2015 18:57

If my DD and her partner canceled dinner at mine at the last minute i'd be worried in case there was something wrong.

I'd call or text to ask, and if there was no answer i'd worry a bit more.

If i then received a call or a text to say they'd had a big row then i'd be concerned about my DD, and ask her if everything was ok, i'd ask them if they still wanted to come round.

Would i send messages telling either of them they were ''disgusting''? No! Confused

Some people are bloody odd.

Marshy · 25/10/2015 19:02

You all need to calm down and grow up. This is not the way that adults behave.

I hope you didn't have any children witnessing your tantrums.

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