People who are good at friendships, AIBU to feel slightly hurt? What should I do?

[Proceedingcarefully]

I'm still recovering from some mental health issues, and overall I'm doing great but there are a few blips where I like to check out my reaction to see if it seems healthy or if it's coloured by old habits.

I'm friends with 2 sisters. I'm close to both. Over the last few weeks, both have been a bit quiet towards me, which is fine in itself as people can just be very busy. However, when I suggested coffee (it was my 'turn' to suggest something) they agreed and then disappeared for a few days. I didn't think much of that in itself but it's happened again today.

I am a bit annoyed. I also have tickets for us to go to a concert next week, and now I'm not sure if I want to go with them, or even if they still are planning to go? I don't feel like trying to call again (have tried to call today already) to ask what their plans are, but equally if they are going to cancel at the last minute then I want to sell the tickets. One has always been a bit flaky with arrangements, the other not usually, so I don't really know what this is about.

Would this annoy you, or am I just being hyper sensitive due to having vulnerable spots from depression?

Is there another way to contact them, email or fb messages - whichever they are most likely to see/ or respond to? Keep it bright; Hi remember we have the tickets for xx next week, are you still able to make it?

I am dreadful at being overly sensitive with friends so I do sympathise. Someone told me very recently to take a step back and quietly observe when I had an issue with a slightly dismissive friend. I'm so glad I did because a disgruntled confrontation from me would have been so wrong, and quite destructive.

So they've agreed to coffee twice then just not turned up etc recently? That's really rude (unless they've had a family emergency etc)

I'd send a text or joint FB message to both saying "Hope all is well? Bit confused ref not showing for coffee this week?? Anyway, no probs but what's happening with the concert next week, still coming? If not then I can probably sell the tickets? Shall we say if I haven't heard from you by Tues, then I'll sell them? Looking forward to the concert eitherway and hope you're both ok x"

Put the ball firmly in their court to reply by xyz or you'll sell. Glad you're on the mend

Thanks, lordStrange, it can be hard when these things happen can't it?!

I strongly agree with what you are saying about taking a step back to observe, that's what I try to do. I was never the type to go in all guns blazing and shout at folk or anything but I would have been quietly very upset and assume that they hate me. Honestly, I'm not doing that now, I am a bit annoyed and slightly upset as per title, but just want to deal with it the best way possible

My big weakness is that I don't want to send a text or fb message, as I feel I'd be bothering them more. My tendency is to withdraw. So not sure I should be counter intuitive and do it? Or just try to forget about it all for a few days and then see what happens.

It's problematic I think because in one way I don't want to make a big deal over stuff like this, but at the same time I don't want to be the person that other people treat carelessly (I'm hyper alert to this) so want to get a good healthy balance!

Thanks Shakey. Yes, to me it's rude to make an arrangement and then just not show up and not even bother to cancel. No, no family emergency!

I don't want to be a nag and bring it up directly, but then I feel like I'm being a pushover. I find this stuff hard.

When it happened last week and then one called during the week I just said had anything happened and was all ok? They said yes and that's when I suggested coffee again for lunchtime today, and then nothing. Although this time no fixed meeting point just that we would arrange that on the phone. But definitely today.

Ugh. I suck at this shit.

You don't suck at it It's confusing to know what to do sometimes. But personally, I'd still bite the bullet and text/FB. Remember, you're not doing it to be a nag, or because you're oversensitive, you want to know what's happening and whether to sell the tickets or not. You deserve to know that. I wouldn't wait for them to tell you what's happening, I'd get in there first. Had there not been the concert, I would say, distance a tad.

I would send them a text reminding them of the concert and saying "I haven't heard from you for a while. If you can't make the concert please let me know today so I can sell the tickets."

Is it a band you desperately want to see?

Thanks, guys.

Definitely can't face texting today, will take a break, and do it tomorrow though.

The band, meh, yeah I'd quite like to see them and I know some other nice people going so can still go if I want to. But not sure if I do!

The thing is that you have to make sure you can send those tickets first thing on Monday morning, if you sell them. You should certainly go yourself - why let those two women affect what you do? You're letting them win in all sorts of ways if you give up your ticket, too.

That's true I know.

The thing is, it may be letting other people win, but I know from hard won experience that if I go out to something when I feel a bit crap or un-confident that people want me around, I just wish I hadn't gone. I never enjoy it more once I'm there, I don't bawl my eyes out crying or anything but feel very tense and wish I was curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea.

Now, I don't know if that's a hangover from depression, or if it's an in-built personality flaw, or low self esteem that I can't enjoy stuff on a normal level when I feel lonely, or what. But it's real though I wish it wasn't

I think with these things it might be a good idea to set yourself a timetable, so then you aren't always waiting, or constantly watching for a txt.

So sell the tickets, go yourself (fake it til you make it ie just go - they won't know if you enjoyed it or not) it gives you something to talk about even if you just go alone!

Plan to wait til x date to get in touch with them. Say, 3 weeks.

Then get on with your life, which for 3 weeks does not include them.

On x date, make a decision about if you want to continue the friendships or not. Whether or not you have heard from them, and what they have said will help you decide.

I would also go to the concert, it could turn out to be one of the best nights of your life. If you don't go, it probably won't. Take loads of photos (selfies with strangers, plaster them on FB ) soak up the atmosphere and live the moment

but feel very tense and wish I was curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea

I have a friend who is very enthused and excited about most things she does. True she goes to things she enjoys, but really she could go to the WRI button sewing evening and she would be chatty and excited about something or someone that she saw there.

Whereas I am more like you OP.

But I feel she does get more out of life than me. Let's face it you can curl up on the sofa any night. So just go!

Laughing at the idea of swooping on surprised strangers for selfies

I do get very enthused about stuff I go to, about 50% of the time. I enjoy meeting new people and laugh a lot and generally have a lot of events I could go to if I wanted to. I think I squeeze a lot of fun out of life half the time and then the rest of the time I freeze and stay home and fail spectacularly! Not sure why I'm a bit unbalanced.

Have you text proceeding?