To still be grieving?

[Murdock]

My Dad died three years ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly. He was relatively young and in apparent good health, so his death came completely out of the blue.

When he died my DW was almost 8 months pregnant with DS2, so in the aftermath of his death I concentrated on looking after DW (the end of the pregnancy wasn't easy) and then, of course, DS2 when he was born.

But now, years later, I am finding that I am still preoccupied at times with the loss. I heard one of his favourite songs on the radio this morning and started crying while driving to work. I think a lot about how he could have met DS2 and has more time with DS1.

I feel really self-indulgent and like I'm wallowing. Should this have passed by now? Has anyone else had similar experiences?

You could try cruse who provide grief counselling - they are totally independent of councils. They will see people at any stage of bereavement. I knew someone who was a counsellor with them (and been through personal grief themselves) and they said they had clients who asked for help over twenty years after someone close had died.

People grieve in many different ways.

Ive lost people close and every time it has been different.

I think it's absolutely normal but if it gets in the way of life too much, a short burst of bereavement counselling might be useful, even if you have to make a contribution to the cost.

I was at a prize giving the other day at a sports event, there was a minute silence and a piece of music played for a man who had recently died in accident. My dad died 5 years ago in very similar circumstances and i completely broke down big howling sobs in front of friends and strangers. Afterwards it was sort of cathartic and i got a chance to talk about again with friends. I think people especially my mum avoid the subject so not to upset us, but it happened and i still need to acknowledge that.

You are completely normal.

I deliberately push thoughts of my mum, who died nearly two years ago, from my mind because I get upset. I'm crying now. It feels like a betrayal, but what good is it?

The same with my dad, and that's nearly 25 years.

My DP still gets upset about his dad's death which was 4 years ago. Things that remind him of his dad can bring him down, and he's still very sad that his dad didn't get to meet our second child (she had been born, but FIL was too ill and far away).

When FIL was dying, DP went to stay, went to hospital with him, and worked very hard to arrange for him to come back home to die, and expected he would be able to be with him. It was all getting sorted but the night before he was due to come home he died in hospital with no family there. DP was so devastated about this and just wishes he could have been with him. FIL did make his wishes clear - no intervention - and DP comforts himself he made sure they were followed. But it's hard to get over regrets like these. It take a long time.

I do think it can also be a man thing, because men may feel it's less socially acceptable to "wallow" or burst into tears, or feel they have to "man up" and get over themselves. I am sure though that people will be supportive if you let them know you're having a hard time. I have a friend who lost his best friend to cancer a few years ago. They were very, very close and my friend regularly still talks about it and cries. Everyone is lovely to him about it, listens and understands.

(And my bereaved friend is also Scottish!)

I think it's normal and three years isn't really that long - I still miss and think about my Dad and he died over thirty years ago.

I agree re CRUSE. To be honest, a bereavement charity would be better I think. I had counselling from a local charity (related to baby related loss so not relevant here). It would be worth having a look around if you are interested.

My ex husband died almost two years ago. We had children together but we were divorced.

I'm still grieving. I still replay everything in my head every night. I still miss him. I cried the other day because he will never see our son in his chef whites. I cried when our son's voice broke because he never got to hear it. If his funeral song comes on I want to throw up.

So yes, your feelings are totally normal and like everyone else said, there is no time limit and you never stop grieving, you just learn to live with it a bit better I guess.

I am sorry for your loss OP

Totally NBU at all, as everyone else has said.

FWIW I find I grieve with my Irish family very differently from my English family. Its much better - still as sad but not as lonely.

all round.

I lost my dad almost 20 years ago when I was 14 suddenly. I still think about him everyday, I still break down in tears over him regularly especially now as I'm 7 months pregnant.

I still feel robbed that he never got see me finish school, graduate, walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and most of all he will never meet my children. I am jealous of my DH to still has two healthy parents when I lost mine as teenager and most my friends still have their parents still alive and I haven't had mine for 20 years.

There is no time limit on grief, I still grieve for the things my lovely dad is missing out on or when I get reminded of him by a song or object. But time does heal the pain, I had counselling in my early 20s which really helped me come to terms with his death as I never accepted his death before. I still miss him an awful lot but I no longer dwell on the past and look forward to the future.

No, you are totally normal and it will hit you at random times in years to come. You don't 'get over' loss you actually adjust to living with it. If it starts to interfere with everyday life get yourself to the GP but otherwise what you are describing is a completely normal reaction. Only problem is nobody really chats about grief and death so when it happens to you it makes you worry there's something wrong. 3 years isn't a long time, especially when you factor in the arrival of a baby!

My mum died just over two years ago, I still miss her so much I have a physical ache inside me at times. I cried for her yesterday (I saw an elderly lady in the street shopping who looked like her and she was holding the arm of what I assume was her daughter about my age - it just made me yearn for her). It sounds as if you've been so busy with your young family (quite understandably) in the time since you lost him that you might not have had time to grieve for him properly. I think losing someone is like being horrendously wounded, the injury/wound slowly begins to heal over time but the scar never ever goes and there are times when the scar begins to weep or bleed again. I think sometimes you just need to feel that it's "normal" to feel the way you do (and it is) - so I hope having us tell you it is "normal" does help you. I posted something very similar a few weeks ago and it did help me to read that others were still experiencing such strong emotions years later as I actually thought I was being a bit of a wimp but turns out I wasn't.

My Dad died 7 years ago and although most days I am fine, can talk about it etc. I too have moments where I have a little cry & feel sad about it all over again.

x

My Dad died nearly 6 years ago. He was in his nineties, so although I was surprised, he had been unwell and you can't say he died before his time. He had a full and happy life, right up to the end.

I think about him every day, and still have a cry occasionally. He was in Bomber Command during the war, so anything to do with that will set me off.

I doubt the grieving ever stops, it just evolves and you learn to live with it.

Murdock

There’s nothing wrong with a ‘guid greet’ as we Scots say! In fact, crying is a very useful mechanism – excess stress hormones come out in tears. What you did at the time your Dad died was a beautiful thing. You put your own feelings on hold and supported your DW. Your Dad would have been proud of you.

But now is the time to let those tears flow freely - and not feel badly about it at all, no matter how many years down the road you are.

I lost my own Dad twenty years ago, a long time before DS was born. I do feel sad that Dad – and Mum in my case – never got to meet him. They would have loved him so much.

So all your feelings seem perfectly normal to me.

I hope you can find some sweetness in the sorrow too – knowledge of the fragility of human life can make you cherish your DCs all the more.

Three years is not very long at all and perhaps from what you say you (understandably) put your grief on hold for a while?

You don't sound like you are wallowing at all. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about your dad? A sibling or other relative? Your wife? Would a few sessions with a counsellor help?

The truth is that you never get over it. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with their absence but the pain can still floor you years later

this. Give yourself space and time to grieve. Go easy on yourself. Can you talk to your wife, or to any friends who knew him and who are comfy with emotion? It helps.

Im so sorry. What was it prince william said recently, grief is the hardest emotion to live with. I don't know if that's true, but it sure as hell has to be one of the most difficult. It does get easier to live with in time though, and the point will come where you can remember him with sadness but also celebration.

My Dad passed away 4 years ago, not unexpectedly after a life of poor health but he was only 58.

Like you, I can be pottering around without thinking much about anything and then I might hear a song on the radio or worse, overhear a proper geeky dad-joke he would have laughed at while I rolled my eyes and I'm bawling my eyes out like a baby. To be honest, I think my grief has found its resting point and it will be like this forever because there's no getting around that I love him and miss him terribly. I don't think you or I are unusual, it's just how it is.

You are not at all being unreasonable: and I am another vote for contacting Cruse - they've supported people I know and been extremely helpful in all cases. From memory, you can also speak to them on the 'phone, and some areas have local support groups if that's more your sort of thing.

I don't think the grief ever goes away - it's just we each learn to accept it in our own way. I was sitting on a bus, for example, over thirty years after one of my grandmothers died, and heard a woman's voice in her accent (which was very specific to one Somerset village) - I did a double take, convinced somehow it was her: and then cried all the way home. It had been years since I'd last cried about her - and that's how grief becomes long term. But I think you deserve to have the opportunity to work through it and remember your father - seriously: stop beating yourself up, and get yourself some support!

yanbu at all

there isn't an end to grief and there is no one way or the right way to feel

many people do find that just after a death they put aside their feelings but they come back and maybe this is the time to be with your feelings rather than putting them aside its hard to do to just let ourselves feel as it can feel overwhelming, frightening and so very painful

but it is important part of being able to heal yourself

YANBU

Be kind to yourself - 3 years is a short time

You thread made me think of my dear Grandfather and brought tears to my eyes - he died in 1987! there is no time limit on grief x

I am 37 yrs bereaved of my DF in January. It was long expected. I was 14. I heard a song this morning that we used to sing together. I sobbed my heart out. (In the car alone) . I heard a brilliant line once. 'You never get over it, you learn to live with it. ' never so true. It's not everyday these days. But none the less.

On one hand I feel sad there are so many of us in this thread.. On the other I don't feel so alone anymore. Hardly anyone in RL understands whereas this thread has been comforting. To all those here who have loved and lost