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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to technically gatecrash a funeral?

71 replies

RainbowBodyDouble · 22/10/2015 16:17

I'm a bit Hmm at my Aunt for saying I'm morbid and insensitive to sit in a funeral for a stranger.

Long story shorter is....

I have at least ten separate major family hurdles all at once so I escaped from the house, popped to the cemetery to visit my brother's headstone, noticed a very small funeral starting and sat in on it.
I initially thought it was for someone who I vaguely knew but it wasn't, I didn't leave though I stayed because the service was nice and it was just nice to hear happy stories.

So is my Aunt right or would it be the height of rudeness to just wander off out again?

OP posts:
pebbletime · 22/10/2015 17:02

It sounds as though you thought it was someone you knew and sat quietly and respectfully throughout - much better than leaving, and far far better than my stupid mistake.

Tinkly - sorry, but that made me smile (and I bet it would have given him a chuckle too).

When I die I shant mind a bit if a random person sits quietly and finds a peaceful 20 mins during the service. Grin

Hope life 'let's up' a bit for you, OP.x

AskBasil · 22/10/2015 17:03

If you want privacy at a funeral, don't have it in a public place.

Funerals weddings and baptisms are not private events, they are public ones. They always have been

Silvergran68 · 22/10/2015 17:04

I wouldn't worry. My mother had a small funeral at the crematorium. My MIL was sitting at the back when a woman she didn't recognise sat next to her. MIL thought it must be a neighbour. When mum's name was used the woman looked puzzled checked with MIL and realised she was at the wrong funeral! Apparently she crept out again. I certainly didn't notice it nor did any of the other relatives.

originalmavis · 22/10/2015 17:07

Funerals, fine, but weddings... There was a week old wifey who used to get dressed up in a black fur coat and large hat and gatecrash Glasgow weddings (now this was when my dad was young, so maybe as early as the 1930s?).

It was usually discovered afterwards when photos were picked up. She would make sure she was in the family shots and everyone would assume she was some aunty from the others' side.

knackered69 · 22/10/2015 17:07

It wouldn't bother me either - my dad died, then a year ago my mum died, then 6 months ago my sister died. There's only me left now, and it was open doors as far as I was concerned. I swear I didn't know many people there it was all a bit of a blur.

And they would have been welcomed for a sarnie afterwards.

legohurtswhenyoustandonit · 22/10/2015 17:11

At our local crematorium there are two chapels and I've heard it isn't at all unusual for people to attend the wrong funeral.

Devora · 22/10/2015 17:35

Me and my mum once gatecrashed a funeral at the Jewish cemetary in Willesden. It was for a distant relative by marriage; we didn't know her other relatives in this country. Imagine our horror as it slowly dawned on us that we were in the orthodox Jewish cemetary, and there is in fact also a liberal Jewish cemetary where we were supposed to be (who knew?!). Worse still - and I cringe as I write this - we were at this point standing in a circle with all the other mourners, so it was really really obvious as we turned tail and crept out. It just wasn't an option to stay - we had a funeral to get to Blush

StarlingMurmuration · 22/10/2015 17:38

It was standing room only at my mum's funeral. I wouldn't have even noticed a stranger and I certainly wouldn't have cared if I had. YANBU.

Katarzyna79 · 22/10/2015 17:40

I'm suppose this was a Christian funeral? I know in muslim funerals when a muslim hears about the death of a muslim good or bad character stranger or otherwise they are supposed to travel to attend the funeral prayers, it is is highly virtuous to pray for the dead so I don't find it weird. But Christians have food after don't they?, it would be out of place if you went there since you weren't invited, but you never went there so not so bad.

Katarzyna79 · 22/10/2015 17:45

originalmavis lol regarding the wedding crashers, this happens openly in large Asian weddings. They invite a guest but no rsvps and theres always extra food, and you don't need your invite to get in either if its a huge wedding. So the invited take their cousins and they in turn get their relations....lol fortunately the food seems to go around and seats. Happened in my sisters wedding but we are a private family (anti social lol) so I only knew a handful of them the rest were strangers to me it doesn't bother anyone, its deemed the more the merrier and more blessings on the married couple lol

Owllady · 22/10/2015 17:46

I think it's fine. I attended a funeral of a boy in my daughter's class, I didn't know him or his parents but I felt it was important to go. No one questioned why I was there, though I didn't go to the wake. Any church event is public really.

I'm sorry about your brother. I lost my own sister thirteen years ago and its made me view grief in a different way to what I expect others do. We need to acknowledge death and talk about it much more than we do x

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 17:48

"Funerals aren't private events. Anyone can attend."

aren't they? Or do you mean if they are held in a church?

if they are held in a humanist centre, is that any different?

crumbs, I wouldn't want anyone drifting into my funeral - or my parents', for that matter.

TotalConfucius · 22/10/2015 17:50

At my sister's funeral two old ladies who were visiting the crematorium came in and stood at the back as they'd seen a copy of the order of service and liked the choice of music!
The undertaker's staff also stayed in and told us afterwards that they'd usually leave and wait by the cars but they stayed because of the music.
Dsis would have peed herself laughing at the two old dears.

Owllady · 22/10/2015 17:50

Why? Why do you think it's sacrosanct?

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 17:51

for example, if you had it at a place like this, it could be private surely?

www.greenacreswoodlandburials.co.uk/?1

knackered69 · 22/10/2015 17:51

Just to add - am sorry for the loss of your brother x

Owllady · 22/10/2015 17:51

My last post was to Lorelei btw
What was the music total? So many of us have lost siblings :(

HarrietVane99 · 22/10/2015 17:55

I think it's rather a nice thing. You said you liked hearing the happy stories about the deceased, and now you're another person who remembers and celebrates his/her life, in a small way. I don't think you did anything disrespectful. It's not the same as deliberately turning up to a stranger's funeral as if it was entertainment.

BeanGirls · 22/10/2015 17:55

I guess you couldn't really leave once you'd realised it wasn't someone you knew. Nobody there was to know you didn't know the deceased.

lorelei9 · 22/10/2015 17:58

Owl, I would just like to have only known people at a funeral and I don't think that's wrong. You do sometimes hear the expression "private funeral".

I think it's perfectly fair, especially when giving a eulogy, that you don't stand up and think "who is that in the back row?"

Oddly enough, my parents have been talking about their funeral plans, this will be an interesting thing to add to the list Confused

I've got a music list for mine (yes that does sound a bit mad) and it hadn't occurred to me that anyone might drift in thinking "ooh, yeah, CHOON!"

DinosaursRoar · 22/10/2015 18:03

I think once you were in there, it would have been far ruder to leave and distrupt the service. There were quite a few people at both of my grandmother's funerals I didn't know, my mum knew some of them, but not all.

We realised afterwards that 2 of the old dears and my Dad's mum's funeral were professional funeral attenders - they go along in their best black outfit, sit at the back, then just if they can, get a lift in one of the cars back to the 'do' and make the most of the buffet and drinks. We had everyone back to ours for my dad's mum's funneral, which was a long way from the church (as we'd held that in her local one -about a 20 minute drive from my parents house), so my dad even booked them a taxi home and bunged £20 at the driver so "my mum's old friends won't have to pay the fare" - it was only in conversation with my great aunts (who knew their sister/SIL's friends well) that we realised noone knew them and they'd just turned up for the free buffet and booze. Said Great-Aunts assumed they were relations of my mums who'd come to pay respect along with my mum's mum. We think they stole or drank half a bottle of Baileys as well, I think they probably drank most of it though, from their staggering to the taxi...

knackered69 · 22/10/2015 18:04

When I stood up to give eulogies at my parents and sisters funeral, there were lots of strange faces. Because even without inadvertent gate crashers, people come to pay their respects and you only get a glimpse of who's there when you follow the coffin down the aisle. When you get up in that pulpit and look out at the sea of faces, you just take a deep breath and get on with it x

Bloomsberry · 22/10/2015 18:06

God, the privacy of mainstream English funeral culture is so strange to me, despite living here for aeons. In Ireland there is absolutely no 'it's private, wait to invited so as not to intrude on private grief' ethos.

The death goes in the local paper with full funeral details the second someone stops breathing, unless there are very unusual circumstances, and people who may never have actually met the dead person will attend the funeral because they want to support the deceased's son-in-law who is a colleague/ neighbour/local shopkeeper/married to a friend of theirs. And a small funeral would be seen as a pitiable thing, neglectful rather than not intruding.

So there would never be a situation where you 'gate crashed' the church or funeral home. People would assume you had some connection to the dead person, or were representing your family.

Owllady · 22/10/2015 18:07

That's fair enough Lorelei. It's worth considering people you don't know can celebrate your life though. I suppose we all do it really, people who die who do things for good causes etc, famous people.

I think as long as its not mawkish obv

DinosaursRoar · 22/10/2015 18:08

oh and I don't think it's unusual for the immediate family to not know all the people at a funeral - I wouldn't know a lot of my parents' friends, I hear about them and their DGC, their new kitchens, their various ailements or shopping bargains but I wouldn't recognise them all.

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