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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is My Landlord a Bit of a Stalker?

26 replies

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 12:11

I moved into a new houseshare with 4 other people, including the live-in landlord, 3 months ago. I think the landlord likes me romantically, as he keeps asking me out on "nearly dates" e.g. to go places together to do things he suggests, like for a walk someplace nice, or to go into town for a coffee with friends (sounds innocuous but I don't want to be presented as "his woman" as I think he would be keen to let happen). At least twice a week he asks me, or suggests coming along to something I'm going to. He's also started giving me presents. Earlier this week I got a bunch of flowers "to welcome me back to the house" because I'd been away for a few days visiting family. Last night I got a plant for my room (none of the other housemates did). I keep catching him staring at me when we are in the kitchen with the others. His room adjoins my landing and lately he always seems to manage to come out at the same time as me so we meet, and he likes to try to invite me into his room for a cup of tea (I went once to be polite and now just say I'm too tired/busy).

I've started avoiding him and not mentioning my plans and being really quite abrupt. e.g. when he asked me if I liked watching Big Bang Theory, I said no quite clearly, it wasn't the sort of thing I'd watch. He likes to make a point about how he is a bit nerdy and he just skipped over this and said and said he was going to watch it in his room and I could join him. I said no again and said I thought it was a really boring programme and I'd never watch it. Its like my words sort of drift over him though and he doesn't really take them in.

I should move, shouldn't I? I hardly see the other housemates at all and the two that there were at the times he was doing the asking are male, but one of the other girls noticed and said she thought he was being a bit odd. I've got a six months tenancy, and its a really nice house (he inherited it) and I've just moved in really!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2015 12:12

If it makes you uncomfortable then I'd invent a boyfriend you're seeing a lot. I hate that women often have to invoke the boyfriend rule to stop a man giving you unwanted attention but sadly it works.

If it carries on then yes, move out.

SaucyJack · 22/10/2015 12:19

Is he an otherwise decent, well-meaning bloke? Just make it clear that you want to keep your interactions on a strictly professional basis.

It's pretty clear he fancies you- which isn't a hanging offence. He needs to take the hint and back off now though.

You don't need to move.

HelenF35 · 22/10/2015 12:21

I don't think you need to move. As others have said it isn't a crime to fancy you. Just make it clear you are not interested. Unless he reacts badly to this (unlikely) then there is no reason to move out.

QuintShhhhhh · 22/10/2015 12:24

What sort of contract do you have? A lodger agreement?
As a lodger with a live in landlord you cant really have an "assured shorthold tenancy" I dont think.

Lodger agreements are usually not fixed term, but have either one week or one month notice.

Original poster

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 12:24

I have already invented a fictitious boyfriend Showfordian, and it makes no difference. Its like he just ignores certain information.

He seems a decent enough bloke, not dangerous, just bloody annoying! I keep repeating the same words, ever more rudely, over and over again, and he just doesn't take them in. He just asks more often now. He makes a point of being a "nerdy" type, whatever he means by that. He seems to think its something I'd go for

And sorry, name-changed because I don't want to be identifiable because of the houseshare.

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 22/10/2015 12:32

YADBU for saying Big Bang Theory is boring!

The guy likes you. If you fancied him you would be really happy about it - but as you don't, there is no need to treat him like a weirdo.
As he doesn't take your 'hints' you need to be direct with him.
He may have Aspergers? That may explain some of his behaviour.

InTheBox · 22/10/2015 12:36

Then you need to look into moving. If he's that invested in you I wouldn't put it past him to be having a little snoop in your room when you're not there. How creepy. No should mean no! Does he think he'll coerce you into a relationship!? FFS!

KinkyAfro · 22/10/2015 12:41

If he carries on, just firmly make it clear you are not interested.

And get a lock for your door if you haven't already

QuintShhhhhh · 22/10/2015 12:43

Does he work?

Original poster

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 12:43

InTheBox Does he think he'll coerce you into a relationship!? FFS!

I get the impression he does think that if he manages to get me to spend enough time with him, I will be his girlfriend.

I've just checked my lease. I can give one month's notice. I'm going to do it. When I think about it, the girl who moved out of my room was very quick and a bit distant when I met her, as if she couldn't wait to get away. (and looked a bit like me).

Gottagetmoving I couldn't give a flying fuck whether he has Aspergers or not. I have been very direct with him, saying no repeatedly, no "giving hints", and he's making me uncomfortable. He holds down a job as an engineer and is well aware of social rules.

OP posts:

Original poster

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 12:44

Door has a lock but I guess he could also have a key?

I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I'm leaving before this turns into something worse.

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/10/2015 12:46

When I think about it, the girl who moved out of my room was very quick and a bit distant when I met her, as if she couldn't wait to get away. (and looked a bit like me)

move OP, listen to your gut and MOVE away

LizzieMacQueen · 22/10/2015 12:49

Aw, I have a boy and I think he might turn out like this (he also watches Big Bang and takes life lessons from it). I think that'll be the case with your LL; he doesn't have much social experience perhaps.

SaucyJack · 22/10/2015 12:51

Does he post friendzone memes on FB?

Original poster

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 12:56

Lizzie Aw, I have a boy and I think he might turn out like this (he also watches Big Bang and takes life lessons from it). I think that'll be the case with your LL; he doesn't have much social experience perhaps.

He has plenty of social experience, he's 34, has an active (though as he points out, nerdy) social life, a job, and has had plenty of housemates over the years. He is just incapable of taking in certain information. Is there something in Big Bang Theory that gives him some reason to carry on like this?

I don't know what that means SaucyJack but I wouldn't be silly enough to have on FB!

OP posts:

Marynary · 22/10/2015 13:01

He obviously really fancies you and can't (or doesn't want) to take your subtle hints. You may have invented a boyfriend but if he hasn't seen anyone he probably thinks your relationship is nothing serious. If anything it could have made things worse as he probably thinks that you rejection is due to the fact that you have a boyfriend rather than the fact that you don't fancy him. He will probably give up soon. If not, you'll have to move as it will get more and more annoying.

specialsubject · 22/10/2015 13:02

it's nothing to do with the sodding TV or being an engineer. It is being an arse and not accepting that his attentions are not reciprocated.

the joys of a house share. Make your life easy, give notice and leave. You don't have an AST.

JessieMcJessie · 22/10/2015 13:13

As others have said, fancying you is not terrible in itself and he's probably not going to rape or murder you, but I can see how it's making you uncomfortable.

Depends on how much you like the house really and what else is out there; I imagine that it's not somewhere you imagine living for all that long anyway in the grand scheme of things.

I know you say that you have been increasingly blunt about not wanting to hang out with him but have you actually confronted the elephant in the room i.e. that he fancies you? Inventing a fictitious boyfriend is a bit of a cowardly lie to be honest.

He may need to have it spelled out and is probably hoping you'll fall n love with him if you just spend time together. Poor bloke, I probably harboured similar hopes about a fair few guys in my younger day (though much younger than 34..) and half of that probably was due to watching too much TV .

Maybe try, gently and politely saying:

"Look Landlord, you keep inviting me to things and giving me presents and I have the sense that you might be hoping for a relationship with me. I'm really sorry but I'm just not interested in you that way and I know that's not going to change. Your house is lovely house but it's getting to the point where your invitations are making me uncomfortable and I am thinking of moving out because of it. Please could you respect my space so that it doesn't come to that?

Gottagetmoving · 22/10/2015 13:17

Gottagetmoving I couldn't give a flying fuck whether he has Aspergers or not. I have been very direct with him, saying no repeatedly, no "giving hints"and he's making me uncomfortable. He holds down a job as an engineer and is well aware of social rules

You may not give a flying fuck,..but it could be a reason for his behaviour. People with Aspergers can hold down jobs and even have a social life but certain aspects of their behaviour is different.
He is fixated with you. He may not be able to change that!
If he is making you uncomfortable, then leave.

Original poster

HouseShareWoes · 22/10/2015 13:29

Gottage are you deliberately trying to creep me out?

Jessie I get the impression that if I said anything about "us" or a "relationship" or even gave him too much attention, even if only in an irrefutably negative sense, he would only hear those words and a few days later they would have morphed in his mind to "us" experiencing "difficulties" in our "relationship".

He's already briefly met a male friend I had staying over when he visited this city for two nights! Anyone else would have put two and two together with the boyfriend story but not him. Its as if he thinks its some kind of competitive situation where he if has a go, he's in with a chance. He simply doesn't seem to hear me when I say no and just counters with another invitation, or compliments my looks.

Its a horrible feeling. I'm looking for another room right now.

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 22/10/2015 13:30

Men don't need to have Asperger's to persist in trying to get close to a woman who's being forced to be increasingly clear that she's not interested!

He's trampling on social boundaries, and, frankly, given that it's his house, he's got keys and he's got the financial upper hand (and none of the other lodgers are pulling him up on it), he's getting away with it, so this will likely continue!

www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-flatsharing/rights-for-renters-for-tenants-and-lodgers

Move out as soon as you can find another place. Sorry....

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/10/2015 13:31

just move, that's what I would say to a friend or colleague. Its clearly really not making you happy!

the aspie thing is a red herring anyway TBH

I cant help raise a wry smile as the last tenant running for the hills....

Gottagetmoving · 22/10/2015 13:48

Gottage are you deliberately trying to creep me out?

Of course I am not trying to creep you out!
Just pointing out he may not be able to change his behaviour,but you don't have to put up with it so the only option is to move out.

RenterNomad · 22/10/2015 14:02

Sorry, cross-posted with your saying you were looking. That's good.

I know it's horrible to feel on edge like this, and driven out, but it's not always like this. When she first came to London, a friend of mine lodged with a really nice landlady, who later moved out for a job she couldn't commute to. I moved into her room, and my friend and I became proper tenants. I stayed in that flat a decade, with different flatmates... including DH, and then our baby DS as well!

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 22/10/2015 14:05

Who gives a fuck what his motivations may be? He may have Asperger's, or he may be an entitled twat who thinks he 'gets' one of his female tenants as a handy live in girlfriend. Even if he does have Asperger's, it doesn't give him any special rights to her. He's power tripping her, knowing that she has to be fairly polite to him as her landlord.

If he leaves his room at the same time you do, he's listening out for you very carefully. He's able to focus very well on what he wants. Yet when you tell him you don't like something, suddenly he's unable to focus? I think this is all very selective.

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