AIBU to be considering reporting ExH to the police?

[FunnysCousinNotFunny]

Or, in fact, with my dithering, have I left it too late?

So much backstory, but I'll try and find a balance between drip feeding and telling you my whole life story.

EA and alcoholic ExH. Separated 3 years ago. Contact order for DD (10) in place which states 'contact to be agreed between parties' and that ExH must 'abstain from drinking for a period of 24 hours before contact with child'

Last week DP and I took my DD and her friend to a normal weekly activity.

ExH attends, and normally DP and I drop off child and leave (DP only comes along because ExH has history of verbally abusing me in front of DD when I'm alone). Last week, I suspected, though he denied it, that ExH was drunk (or certainly, not sober). I grant you, should have left, but we didn't. Decided to let DD and friend stay as many other responsible adults including those running the activity there and they didn't want to miss out. DP and I go off to wait just outside venue, as I was a bit fretful.

Go to leave at end of activity. DD and I have normal, mild, parent and child row about something, but DD is tired so gets a bit tearful. We resolve, but she goes off to say goodbye to her dad still looking a bit teary.

He refuses to let her go, demanding to know what is wrong with her and not accepting her explanation that we'd just had a bit of a row, but sorted it out. In the end, I went to get her and we started to leave. My DP was behind us and my ExH just launched himself at him and was pushing him, getting in his face, goading him and trying to trip him up and offering to 'meet him for a fight'. DP was very calm, considering, just kept telling him to calm down and behave and backed out behind us with ExH in his face the entire time, pushing and poking him. I bundled kids into car, followed by DP and me and then left while ExH was yelling and shouting.

The last week or so has been horrible in terms of fallout. I've refused to allow ExH to see DD and have no idea where to go in terms of that. More importantly, I want ExH to realise this is totally unacceptable. I initially was reluctant to report it because it was over, no one was actually hurt and I didn't want to escalate anything, but actually, now I think about it, it's really quite serious. I think maybe it should be on record and all the arrangements re DD should be looked at again.

But it's been over a week. Have I left it too late to report? I've only, really, just calmed down (I have a hair trigger for panicking and getting frightened re ExH) and am trying to do what's best for DD. I also want to support DP who has done nothing wrong. We didn't even meet until my relationship with ExH had ended, so he has no part in the breakdown of our marriage. There's no reason for ExH to hold him responsible. We've been separated for 3 years, but his anger levels are still like it happened yesterday.

There's a lot of backstory here, of what I consider ongoing EA of my DD, lots of poor behaviour. Lots of drunkenness. This isn't a one off out of character act, but an escalation of some already shitty behaviour. He makes my DD responsible for his feelings and emotions, shouts at people when they are out together. I feel he isn't a responsible person.

So, do I report? In fact, what do I do? I'm so tired, and I used to be so competent and I second guess myself all the time.

Wow. If you got to the end of that then here's a restorative gin.

tl;dr - my ExH attacked my DP with no provocation in front of my DD, her friend and other children. Last week. Is it too late to report to police? Should I report to police?

I would report it, on the non-emergency number.

Explain his past bullying too.

It's not exactly "back in 1976... He did such and such"
Even so, I don't think there is a time limit!

I second WhyCantI - report it via the non emergency number. Tell them EVERYTHING.

Best of luck, OP

Yes report it, you may need evidence of his behaviour later on

Report it (non emergency) as if your - rightly! - refusing contact. You may need an official report of the incident later on

Report, this is too serious to let go. Have it logged officially with your version, your dp's version and if possible any witnesses (this must have been witnessed by someone e.g. people running the activity?). If you don't have anything official your ExH will hold it against you that you withhold contact.

Thank you all. I feel a bit sick at the thought (and the inevitable reaction from ExH), but I think you are all right.

My DD is very defensive about her dad, although his behaviour really upsets her, I am a bit worried the police would want to speak to her too. I suppose it is what it is, and there's no getting away from it if it needs to be done, but I'd really rather she didn't have to be involved.

Yes, I do think you should report this, as much as for the safety of the other children who were present as anything else. If I had been there with my DD, I wouldn't be returning without an assurance that your ex was not allowed to attend again. Some children would be really, really distressed by this and it's putting them all in danger.

I have been thinking of contacting the organisers of the activity too (sorry to be so weaselly with words, I'm trying to retain a mild level of anonymity) to report it to them too, or would it be better just to speak to the police and let them deal with it all?

I would report it. He will be arrested, questioned and released. Possibly ith consitions that he can't be within so many feet of your DP. Depending on his plea, he will either be fined (if he pleads guilty) or it will go to court (if he pleads not guilty). Most likely he will be advised to change his plea just before the case goes to court, in exchange for a lighter fine - and usually he will do this. Be prepared though, for it to take several weeks before he is arrested.

I say to do this, because if you feel later on that it's not safe for DD to be in his care, the fact he's been arrested for assault will go massively in your favour.

I personally would not want her in his care. He's a drunk. It's just not safe.

I think that's my primary reason. DP was undecided whether or not to report, although I think initially favoured it, then as he calmed down felt less of a need to do so.

I, OTOH, just wanted all the horrible to go away but now am thinking that if he's capable of doing that I really need some other agency to step in and help me manage it all.

I don't want her in his care. It frightens me.

Slight complication. If he gets any kind of criminal conviction he will lose his job (dependent on an enhanced CRB or whatever they are called these days). Though I know that's not my problem.

Well. I'm enjoying the consensus, if not the thought of the evening ahead of me. Will talk to DP this evening and ring 101 later. Thanks all.