so sad for DD

[Beth2511]

About 9 months ago DH and I had a massive falling out with MIL over something petty that immediately resulted in her refusing to see DD. DD has a half sister who has an amazing relationship with MIL and despite OH feeling she shouldn't be able to see one and ignore the other, his ex made it clear she will always facilitate a relationship there so he decided it was not in DSD's best interest to cause problems there. I agree as she is 7 and it would be more harmful to her.

It's DD's first birthday coming up and DSD told us yesterday that she was talking about her party the other day to which MIL responded that she doesn't care and that DD is not her grandchild. Obviously this has led DSD to very confused so we have said MIL has chosen not to be part of DD's life but loves DSD dearly and will always remain a part of her life.

but as a mum it breaks my heart to hear my DD being spoken about like that, but her own family. I'm trying to get my head around the fact that they continually post on facebook about how she only has two grand children (she has three) and wrote a lot of nasty emails about how she wants nothing to do with DD.

It's been making me thingk about a couple of years time when DD is aware and I have to be the one to explain why her grandma loves her sister but not her. What the hell am I supposed to do?

My GP lived hours away from us so we hardly see them. I can categorically say that I never missed not having them around. So I really don't think your DD is missing much there as long as your DSD is able to understand, in time (both kids are still too young) that there is not much point in telling you what the GM thinks of you or your child.

Stop looking at Facebook and ask people not to come to tell you the latest nastiness your MIL has done. And feel relaxed in the knowledge that when she is old and needy, you and your child can very justifiably know that she is a stranger, and you have no obligation towards her.

Is he ignoring your DH too or just the baby?

How does your DH feel about this?

It's one thing for adults to fall out but to take it out on your dd is a real low blow.
There are a lot of grandparents out there who would give anything to see their GC.

Wow, I can't imagine a grandmother having such spiteful thoughts about a baby. You need to engineer a way of not finding out about this stuff, so you can't be upset by it.

The fuck? What kind of turd disowns her own one year old grandchild over a dispute with the child's parents? And confuses a 7 year old over it?

Your daughter might actually be better off without this bitter, selfish harpy around her.

Bollocks to her op.

Mind you I would have lots of meet ups with Dsd and your dd to piss her off and post the lovely pictures on FB with appropriate captions saying how lovely it is to have a happy family and how blessed dd is to have a big sister.

Lots of pictures of you all smiling happily. With your parents too and things like 'grans are wonderful'

Mind I believe in fighting dirty.

And op your dd won't care a toss.

I am often surprised by how surprised others are when bloodrelatives are awful, it's a percentages game. Some people are twats. some people are grandmothers = some grandmothers are twats. Just because you become a 'mum' or a 'grandmother' doesn't mean you're suddenly going to be nice if you've been a dickhead most of your life. Harsh but true. Sounds unfortunately like your's is but that your DD would be better without someone who is capable of this behaviour in her life.

Do think you'll have to tackle DSD about the hurtful things your MIL is saying though, that seems to be where the problem lies. Just not sure how you'd do it as you can't control what she says and you don't want to take the same low road as her?!? good luck, such a shame people behave like this

Sure, but most people who are twats, are twats to people other than their children/grandchildren. And babies.

Grandma falls out with DGD - I thought DGD must be at least in her teens (though that would generally still be very immature behaviour) But no! DGD is one years old!
I'm sorry to hear of the upset you are all being put through. Sounds madness! What was it all about < nosey! >

I'd go NC with the bitch. What is the relationship between DH and his ex? Could DH to talk to his ex again, letting her know specifically what was said and that DSD was upset and confused, and ask that she tell MiL that she is NOT to discuss your DD with DSD.

Unfortunately, the two girls are sisters and I assume have/will have a relationship so sooner or later the obvious difference in their relationship with their paternal grandmother will be obvious.

If you care to tell what the problem is maybe someone could give you advice on how to proceed more specifically. It appears, for whatever reason, that your side of the story isn't getting across to family members. For someone to cut out a grandchild (and based on your post, a small infant at the time) and then for other family members to apparently 'buy in wholesale' to it is rather surprising.

Sorry for slow response!

We initially fell out and for the life of me I can't actually remember the exact reason why, the first response she gave was that she was only prepared to see DD through DH, to which he reacted by saying was silly because I don't work and he works 70+ hours a week so he wasn't prepapred to pander to it over something silly. THen she refused to see DD, whilst telling everyone her DIL bans her from seeing her, which is complete rubbish as I tried a few times to encourage her to see her.

She kept harassing me so I changed my number etc but she got access to my email through her work databases (worked for local council at the time) so started giving me abuse and rubbish that way until I put in a formal complaint to the council. I blocked her on facebook a long time ago but a mutual friend showed me the messages as there are others more obviously washing her hands of DD, ie where people have asked about the baby, and shes specifically said she doesn't know and doesn't care.

I'm hoping DD won't notice, I just worry she will because of DSD having a relationship with her. I do agree that acctually DSD is going to end up more hurt. She loves her little sister and I think one day when she understands this is going to damage her relationship with MIL a lot. Plus, I have never seen a child turn from such a loving, sweet, calm child to a spoilt brat so quickly as she does when's she with MIL, she brings out the worst in her!

As far as I'm concerned DD is better off for it, she has a set of grandparents on my side who absolutely worship her, and her sister. It just keeps me up at night worrying how I'm ever going to explain things once it becomes obvious.

Some of you have reassured me a lot that she won't care so I'm hoping you are all right.

It seems strange that she would cut one child out and not the other, unless it was a way to try and get at you personally OP. Your DH is father to both children whereas you're only mum to one of them, so this must be all a way to get at you.

I say fuck her. Your dd is better off without her.

What a petty person she sounds. I do believe it as someone I know did the same thing. But, plenty of people grow up without any GP at all. She'll get lots of love from you, your DH and the rest of her family.

As for your MIL this will hopefully backfire on her as your DSD will work things out for herself eventually.

Very foolish behaviour from MIL I think, so sad that she can't put her DGD's and DC's (and DIL's) happiness a bit further up her list of priorities

It is a sad situation that your MIL is a knob, but you should probably feel glad that she has shown her colours to you and your DD will be better off without that toxic bullshit in her life.

So basically she's using your DD to get back at you and/or make you look like a bitch? It sounds as if there is a 'history' between the two of you? That's a shame, it's always the children that suffer, but sometimes there's just no way to build a bridge. Her actions in harassing you and badmouthing you to others speaks volumes about her. Honestly, she must be a bit 'not right' in the head. And I'm glad that your DH stood up to her! So many of them just pander to it to 'keep peace' on all sides resulting in peace on no sides!

I think the first thing I'd do is tell my friend to please not 'share' anymore FB rants. Why poke a stick at a sore spot? If Friend wants to defend you on her own, fine, but that you'd rather just stay uninvolved. I'm sure that the people you care about, and who care about you, know the truth.

DD will notice, of course, but not for years yet and who knows what may happen between now and then. And despite what others may say, I do think she'll (at the very least) wonder why she is treated differently. Of course the age difference may mean that DSD will be old enough to shield DD by the time she's old enough to notice it.

I'd be more concerned about MiL trying to turn DSD against her sister by spoiling her and telling her it's because her father is 'favouring' DD over her, that he loves DD more than her, or that it's your fault she 'can't' see her. If her behaviour after being with MiL is bad, I'd say it's starting already. Does her mother remark on her behaviour after she's with her grandmother or is it only when she's with you and her father that she acts up?

I think there are two sides to every story and this is just one
Can somebody mediate.

Whatever the other side of a story, actively refusing to see your own grandchild aged one, and happily embroiling a seven-year-old in it, puts you in the wrong.

Sheba .. bingo! There is never an excuse for putting a child in the middle.