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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I stop contact?

20 replies

dalmatianmad · 21/10/2015 08:44

Hi guys, need some advice please...

Separated from dc's dad 4 years ago due to domestic violence and his ongoing drug use, social care were involved, we were rehoused and he received a custodial sentence after his last assault on me.

He had no contact with the dc for 3 years, this was advised by social care. Everything was peaceful and dc were happy and settled.

He has been seeing ds aged 11 for a few months, started with supervised contact and built up to overnight stays.
Dd aged 14 refuses to even acknowledge him.

The situation has been really tough, ds behaviour changing after he gets back from his dad's etc. Sometimes he seems withdrawn.
Sounds like he gets dropped at his aunties house because his dad often does overtime when he's staying.
He has recently dropped him off without feeding him and not encouraged him to have a shower.....
Ds says that a strange woman was there 1 night, not sure if I smelt cannabis on his clothes when he came back.

He refuses to pay maintenance so I started a CSA claim and since then he has become verbally abusive towards me.
He hasn't seen ds for 3 weeks due to me taking them on holiday and him having a weekend away with his new girlfriend.

He is being abusive and I've had my car tyres slashed, no proof but I'm guessing it's him.

My family say he's dangerous and I need to stop contact again, don't know what to do for the best, Dd thinks I'm "crazy" to let ds go this weekend. I'm worried that all this stop and start contact will effect ds. Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:

Original poster

dalmatianmad · 21/10/2015 08:48

I'm very grateful for any input, nipping off to an appointment and will be back shortly !

OP posts:

Fizzielove · 21/10/2015 08:58

What was ds like when there was no contact? If his behaviour has changed due to contact then I would seriously agree stopping would be better!

Topseyt · 21/10/2015 09:01

I can't speak from any experience, but I think your family are right from what you say.

11 is a very sensitive and impressionable age too. I wouldn't want this man's influence on any children of mine.

Have you told social services of your concerns and suspicions? Do so and say that this is why you are discontinuing contact.

No child of mine would go there again.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 21/10/2015 09:06

Are ss still involved? I would report the issues and take it from there

It sounds as though it would be better for him not to be involved or at the least to have supervised contact

Get advice asap

sparechange · 21/10/2015 09:10

Does DS want to go this weekend? Have you asked him, and told him he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to?

Leafitout · 21/10/2015 09:15

Have you logged the tyre slashing with the police on 101? He sounds like a nightmare that ds could do without. Seek advice from SS on how to proceed so you are being proactive.

kissmethere · 21/10/2015 12:05

I would stop contact. Listen to your son and read his body language. He's not having worthwhile time with his dad by the sounds of it. If it was my son I wouldn't and get some legal advice.

Andrewofgg · 21/10/2015 12:11

Stop contact. Let him take it through the courts if he chooses. If he does and succeeds don't defy the order of the court.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2015 12:46

I agree with Andrew, he sounds volatile, aggressive, and I woukd worry about the safety of DC with him and his drug use. Stop contact and let him take you to court.

Quornmakesmefart · 21/10/2015 12:51

Definitely stop contact - I would be very concerned about safety issues.

As others have said, wait and see if he takes you to Court.

Out of interest - how/why did contact start after 3 years? Was it initiated by him or Social Services? Regardless, you can't be accused of being obstructive - you gave it a try, despite his history, and it hasn't worked.

Original poster

dalmatianmad · 21/10/2015 13:18

Thank you so much everyone.

Contact was re started because he started turning up at the school to try and get a glimpse of ds (there was a restraining order in plave to prevent him from cintacting me )
I suppose I felt sorry for him, I believed that time was a healer and maybe he had changed. This sounds so feeble to see it written down. In a way I wanted what most normal families have, two parents on the scene.

Social care are no longer involved, they were initially on a CIN plan but because I manged to leave him and keep the dc safe they closed the case.

Ds would happily go every Friday if he could, he idolises his dad, he did not witness the abuse like my Dd did so in his eyes his dad is a good person. We have all tried to protect ds and have sheltered him from lots of the awful stuff thst has happened. He's not daft and knows his dad treated me badly but I've never been negative about him in front of either of the dc.

I feel so confused about what to do, I know stopping contact would be best for ds in the long run but I'm so concerned that ds will hate me for it.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 21/10/2015 13:39

You say that your DS can be withdrawn when he returns from his Dad's.

I am only guessing of course, but could that indicate that he doesn't necessarily have a good time when he is there and perhaps sees and hears stuff he is uncomfortable with. Perhaps even has to participate in things he is uncomfortable with. Perhaps he idolises some sort of vision he has in his mind of how his Dad should be, but finds the reality different and harder to reconcile.

I would stop contact. Explain your concerns and doubts if your DS asks why.

whatdoIget · 21/10/2015 13:48

I think you should stop contact. It might be a good idea to explain to ds what his dad is really like. It's never good to idolise people, especially when that person is not deserving of such adoration.
Maybe if ds understands that his dad is not a good person, it might be easier for him to accept not seeing him?

Quornmakesmefart · 21/10/2015 13:52

OP he absolutely won't 'hate' you for stopping contact. As you say, he's not daft - he may well idolise him (in the way that most children do with their dads, probably) but he will also be well aware that his dad has his flaws.

Explain to him, in an age appropriate way, obviously, that he can't see his dad for a while because you have concerns that it may not be the best thing for him at the moment. You are doing it because you love him and will always protect him. He will know that you are the one who has always been there for him and he can trust, and at the end of this all he will be ok because he has a parent he can always depend on

Unreasonablebetty · 21/10/2015 13:56

Please don't think I am trying to scare you, because I'm not. But If you have suffered at the hands of this man, and your sons behaviour has changed then you need to get away from him.
Personally I would be changing DS school and moving, changing numbers and hoping he wouldn't find us again.

If your son has changed the way he acts, then it's possible that he has either seen or been a victim at the hands of his father.

When he comes home is he tearful? Has he become suddenly introverted? Does he say he feels Ill in the days leading up to a visit with dad? Does he have bruises? Has he said he doesn't want to go? Has he called you during his time at his dad's house in tears?

I didn't realise these things were all because my daughter was going to her fathers house and being physically abused by her stepmother. And let me tell you, knowing that it went on and I didn't pick up on these signs has left me feeling terrible ever since I found out.
This situation could be very damaging to him.

Quornmakesmefart · 21/10/2015 14:03

Oh and also meant to say, definitely get it logged with 101 that your tyres were slashed and what your suspicions are - also tell them about the verbal abuse - and anything else that happens.

If it does then go to Court you have had these incidents recorded rather than them just being something you've said on the day. Could you also maybe contact Social Services again, bring them up to date on what's happened and see what they say? They may well recommend going NC again if they did so before and therefore could help facilitate this.

Original poster

dalmatianmad · 21/10/2015 14:52

Quorndon I don't have any support from social care any more.
I'm so so worried that my poor ds will grow up feeling confused and upset about all this on and off contact, especially if it goes to court and he is granted access. I haven't reported the car tyres. I don't have any proof but he has form for damaging my car.

I can't move again, we are happy and settled in our new home, they are doing well at school, ds started in senior school last month so the school is not as accessible as the primary school. I have a new job, in safeguarding, not doing a good job with my own family though! I really can't uproot us all again.

Betty he wants to see his dad, he's very quiet, often rude and disruptive when he gets back. I haven't noticed any physical marks on him.

I feel like such a failure, wrongly assumed that everything would be settled now, feels more complicated than when I first escaped from him. I had so much support and advice in the beginning but now there's nothing in place!

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 21/10/2015 15:06

Behaving like that after contact can actually be normal. Even in the most amicable of situations.

missymayhemsmum · 21/10/2015 22:49

Definitely stop overnight contact if you are concerned about who is there and his care of your son. And be prepared to betten down the hatches/ call police at the reaction. You don't know what he is saying to your son- he could be trying to undermine you, though your son is bound to be upset and trying to make sense of things, even if the contact is good.

paulapompom · 22/10/2015 07:59

OP don't start to forget how far you have come and what you have achieved for you and the dcs. And as for the ex, could you contact social care again and ask for help? As ds has previously been a CIN because of ex they may get involved again.

You sound like a great mum, don't blame your self for your ex's behaviour

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