"Only child syndrome"

[Curlywurlysue]

I'm feeling a bit upset after a conversation with my sister in which she told me that my child has "only child syndrome", just want to know how you would feel if somebody said this about your child? When I questioned her on what she meant by that she said that my child acts spoilt and it's obvious that she is an only child. I'm upset for two reasons, the first being that I don't think that's a nice thing to say about my dd (she's 3 and yes can be bratty sometimes but can't all three year olds?) especially seeing as she always finds fault with my DD. She has a son who is a couple of months older and whenever they play together my sister only finds fault with what my dd does and never notices her sons bad behaviour. In my opinion they can both play well at times, and also be bratty and not want to share etc. at other times.

The second reason I'm upset is because it would have been my due date this week but I lost my baby earlier this year. I've generally felt like I haven't had much support from family after the miscarriage but this really feels like she's rubbing salt into the wounds, talking badly about my daughter for not having siblings?? She has made other insensitive comments in the last few months about my dd needing siblings / don't I feel broody? Etc. I would love for her to have siblings but sadly it isn't to be just yet. But I'm not sure if this is making me overly sensitive on the matter? I left shortly after the conversation because I could feel myself getting upset and wanted to come home. Now I feel like maybe I should send her a message to explain how much I'm hurt by what she said but AIBU and should I just leave it?

I think OurBlanches email is good too although I would leave out the paragraph about her child's behaviour. Its more effective if you keep the moral high ground.

sorry about your miscarriage

trooperslane

Thank you so much for all the kind replies, it's really made me realise how unsupportive my sister and the rest of my family have actually been. I know they have their own things going on, but it's been such a rough year for me and I haven't actually been able to talk to them about my loss at all. Like I said my sister has made many insensitive comments, and I think she truly doesn't have a clue what I'm going through but even when I have tried to talk about my miscarriage they just looked uncomfortable and changed the subject. It's hard grieving for a baby that everybody else is pretending never existed. Thank you all for for acknowledging my baby, and sorry to those of you who have also suffered losses.

I am supposed to be seeing my sister again tomorrow but I really don't want to at the moment. I'm thinking about sending a message tonight explaining why I was so upset (will definitely be using some of yours ourblanche thank you)

Hopefully if I explain why these comments are hurtful she will stop being so insensitive. Tbh I was wondering if I was being massively ott in my reaction because she kept justifying what she was saying so it's nice to hear that my feelings are valid!

Well she's certainly proved that being self absorbed and lack of empathy is without a doubt not solved by having a sibling.

Ywnbu to spell out to her how hurtful her comments are. Only you know how to handle it though and how confrontational you wish to be.

Oh curly, your baby existed and your baby was is important. I am sorry your sister is being so insensitive since my baby died I find that those who skirt around our loss are people who just don't have the social skills to deal with it. I, when I have the strength, feel a bit sorry for them. I had to sit through ballet yesterday as a mum (that I used to be quite good friends with before my daughter was stillborn earlier this year) and she spent the whole time going on about how lucky the rest of us mums were not to have newborns because she never gets to sleep. I felt like telling her, since my baby died I don't sleep either, but that's because of the flashbacks rather than getting to snuggle a live child. I didn't I just left with a heavy heart. She too was one of those people who couldn't talk about the loss, just like your sister.
If I were you I'd text, let her know how her comment, about dd being an only child has really hurt you, and being that it is your precious baby's due date you just can't face seeing her. I think with people like her you need to be short and to the point. Don't mention her son initially because she will become blinded by that and ignore the rest issue.
Finally please don't worry about dd having any kind of only child syndrome. At three a huge number of children are only children, and the majority of little ones are just about getting their heads around playing with others.

Bloody hell!

Totally self absorbed and insensitive. I really would tell her how upset you were to have her criticise your dd for being an only child under such circumstances. She needs to think about that - it's a big thing and if you hide your feelings, and brush this one under the carpet all your dealings with your sister will be on her terms, and imbalanced. YANBU, that was horrible unthinking behaviour. Just tell her how it made you feel - don't attack her as then she will must be defensive.

On the only child nonsense - people are able to talk bollocks on a wide range of subjects and your sister is certainly showing her skills in that department.

OurBlanche's e mail is a good one, but I would possibly tone down the 3rd para and say 'what both our children are suffering from is 3-year old syndrome, as is completely normal for their age, and it would be more fun to laugh about it together than criticise'.

Only children statistically tend to do well at school and in their career.

The only negative is the perception that OC can be spoilt. Frankly it's a myth in my experience.

As such I'd actually turn it on its head and say as much as the nearness of your due date is upsetting you are happy to have a heathy, happy unspoilt daughter who you are confident will not turn into shitty sibling like her Aunt who clearly has neither tack, sensitivity or empathy.

Oh tell her to shut the fuck up. This sort of crap gets right on my last one.

I'm an only child and I had a lot of the following growing up.

"You must have been spoilt"

"Do you wish you had a brother or a sister? "

"Bet you wish you had a brother or a sister? "

"How come your Mum and Dad didn't have any more after you? "

"Were you so horrible they didn't want any more? "

People are assholes

Sorry for your loss OP . You sister was being insensitive and mean to say that to you.

Sorry about your miscarriage.

My sister will drop little "only child" comments when she visits. Coming from the most spoiled person in the world it's pretty hilarious.

DD is an only by choice. I see nothing but positives in the situation. She has a circle of friends that are closer than DSis and I ever were (we've hated each other forever).

Your sister's being an out and out cow.

As for the "only child syndrome" thing, I have 3 year old twins and they are a pair of total brats.

There's evidence that being an only makes you more generous and able to share because you've never had to compete with siblings for toys or attention. So there's no reason to assume a spoilt or aggressive attitude when playing / interacting with peers.

Children are of many and varied personalities, but being an only has nothing to do with being spoiled.

And your family sound like they don't really think about how your life is going or how you're feeling. So sorry for your loss and best wishes for this coming week.

I read the thread title and was about to go off on one but then also read you've suffered a loss. I'm so sorry.

What I was going to say has been said already. Thoughtless, bitchy comments about a child who happens to have no siblings.
There is no limit to people's stereotyping and sheer stupidity.

Badgers has been great on threads this week or so.

Fistbump go you both. X

xxxx. also what your sister says is BS, there is no such thing as only child syndrome.