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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go and meet SIL along with DH on Friday?

23 replies

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:01

SIL lives in Europe. She will be in the UK, in city where my DH works, at the end of the week for a conference and she is free on Friday evening if we want to meet up. DH of course plans to meet with her as he is in the city anyway.

This week at work i am on duty (taking new referrals and getting people out to respond to the urgent ones). Friday's can be a nightmare and often involve people being out late. As the person in charge that week i need to be available to advise and make sure everything is okay. I can't tell in advance how busy it will be. I will also be on call all weekend.

To get to the city i would need to drive about 40 minutes to a tram stop, leave the car and 30 minutes into the centre. All after, what will probably be, a hectic week. To get home we have to add on another 30 minutes.

I could probably make a tentative arrangement to go but would have to be clear i might need to cancel on them. As it is Friday they will need to book for dinner. I will get myself feeling stressed if it becomes clear i am not going to make it.

I have suggested to DH he just makes plans with her and i just go home, chill and have a glass of wine in front of the TV. He thinks i am being silly and should just come if i can and not worry if i can't.

I should say, SIL is very lovely and good company. I am not trying to get out of seeing her. I just think it would be more relaxing for all concerned if i didn't go.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Rememberallball · 18/10/2015 12:08

I would say that, as you cannot be concrete in making plans because of the nature of being 'on call' at work, I'd turn down going this time as you'd not want to feel you were 'letting' them down if things went tits up at work during the afternoon and couldn't get away in time to make it feasible to join them.

If she's lovely and reasonable as a person, she'd understand that it's not just your average "Sorry, it's Friday and too much of a faff" but more that, as you're on call, you're actually still required to focus on the job in the same way as if they met during the day when you'd be in the office.

PennyHasNoSurname · 18/10/2015 12:11

Cant they just book a table for three then if you cant go they can just remove a chair?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 12:13

If you're going to be on call as soon as you leave work, then I think perhaps your DH is being U to not understand that.

But if they go somewhere fairly casual for a meal, and where you are isn't relevant to your ability to do your job on call, then I'd agree with him - just go along if you can and you have the time and energy. If you can't, no worries - but keep it flexible. At least these days we all have mobile phones so you can easily find out where they are at any given time, and meet them there; or let them know easily enough that you can't make it after all.

I get that you suffer from anxiety if you think plans are going awry, but if you keep the "plans" as "I'll catch up with you if I can, don't worry about waiting for me" then would that work for you?

beefthief · 18/10/2015 12:16

You sound like hard work. Pull yourself together and make a decision. If you don't want to go, don't go.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:17

Penny That is what DH has suggested and that would be fine. I think my issue is that if it does start to go tits up at work i would start to fret about letting them down. I would be more focussed knowing it didn't matter when i left work and i could go straight home to wine, jammies and Grey's Anatomy!

SIL would understand completely. She is great. I also pointed out to DH if this was reversed he wouldn't think it strange if BIL didn't come to meet him with SIL.

OP posts:

Original poster

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:19

beefthief Moi hard work? Never!

Thumb I am pretty much on call all week plus the weekend, but it is unlikely i would be asked to respond to anything at night.

OP posts:

tootsietoo · 18/10/2015 12:19

I understand totally! Some people are quite happy to be vague about their plans, or have the energy to just get on the tram and go and not stress! However, if you are knackered and busy and you don't want to go, then you are knackered and busy and don't want to go! I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and you should just be able to repeat that to your DH and he should be fine with it. Mine would also probably tell me I was being silly, but he would understand if I explained I really didn't fancy it.

You could just say that you are on call, and you will come if you can. Then if you can and you feel like it, go. Most restaurants could squeeze an extra in?

Allgunsblazing · 18/10/2015 12:20

I think I would be mortified if I was your SIL. She lives abroad and you can't make an effort for one evening. It's family!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 12:21

Cashew - I don't think you're hard work, but I do think you could deal with the "fretting" better - why would you be letting them down? If you leave the plan as "I'll see how it goes, might see you, but don't count on it" then it leaves you the choice depending on how the Friday goes. No one will be let down and it will be a nice surprise if you manage to get there. :)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 12:22

Oh and ignore the whole "can't make an effort for one evening" emotional blackmail bollocks - you can't exactly choose not to be on call!

Original poster

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:24

Allguns SIL won't be mortified at all. We see her at least yearly and Skype regularly.

I think i will say that i will try to go and if it doesn't work out then i will try not to worry about it. I do need to work on unnecessary fretting!

OP posts:

Axekick · 18/10/2015 12:29

I am rubbish at making tentative plans. I get stressed. I prefer aomething definite.

In your place I would say I am not going. I don't think Yabu.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 12:30

I'm sorry but don't you deal with stuff like this every day? Just say I'll try and make it and see how you feel on Friday.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:34

Helmet What do you mean? No, I don't usually deal with stuff like this every day. I usually go home, make myself something to eat and watch TV in my pyjamas.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 12:38

I mean making a decision...

It's a nice decision- your sil is lovely, your dh is laid back, you might have a busy week at work, you might not- the person who is creating an issue out of a nice thing is you...

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 12:38

Are you allowed to go that far away if you're on call? I have doctor friends who have to be within 30 mins of the hospital when they're on call.

Original poster

cashewnutty · 18/10/2015 12:45

Helmet Ah i see. Yes you are right, i am being very indecisive. I think my issue is that i have only just started in this role and up until now i have never worked a Friday. Friday to me is cooking a lovely meal, and relaxing at home. I guess i am juggling having this new role (much more responsibility) plus working more days and the ensuing tiredness this brings.

Theycall Yes, going that far away on Friday will be fine. I will know when i leave work what is around. We would respond to anything that happened overnight on Friday on the Saturday. I work in Child Protection and we would never speak to children during the night. It isn't child centred at all. We don't often get called out at the weekend to be honest but i need to be available in an emergency.

OP posts:

Trills · 18/10/2015 13:00

If you would LIKE to meet up with her, the ideal thing would be
book a table for 3
make sure you all know that it might not happen and that it's nobody's fault
see how things go, in an unstressed manner

If you actually don't really fancy it anyway, then just say you'll be too tired even if there is nothing unusua at work, and plan to go home.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/10/2015 13:03

If it were me, I'd say maybe but in my head it would be no- and they would kind of know it's a no too!

Paddletonio · 18/10/2015 13:05

I really don't see what the problem is at all or what you're fussing about

Inertia · 18/10/2015 13:31

I think you just need to tell them that you are in charge at work and won't know until late on Friday evening whether you can make it. Make the decision on Friday.

Ignore all the sanctimonious hand-wringing about mortification - if you work in Child Protection you cannot simply walk away and leave work until the following week, regardless of where your relative has travelled from.

RB68 · 18/10/2015 13:38

If its not that far away can't they come nearer to you

Jux · 18/10/2015 13:54

I think it would be helpful if you were to look into why you get so stressed when doing something as ordinary and reasonable as not going out because you're knackered from work, especially when you have warned them that you may not turn up and they are completely OK with it.

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