To feel completely burnt out.

[imwithspud]

This year has been a hard one, so far it's consisted of:
A sick relative coming in and out of hospital, followed by the news that said relative was terminally ill, then watching them deteriorate quickly as the illness takes hold, followed by the inevitable passing away.
The birth of my second child shortly after - it was bittersweet in the sense that I had this all consuming love and happiness for the tiny human me and dp created, whilst also grieving the death of a close relative. I've often felt like I've been unable to grieve properly because as bad as it sounds, I've had more important things to deal with and there were times where I just wanted to enjoy our new baby rather than feel sad. That sounds awful I know, just another thing for me to feel guilty about. Then there's the adjusting to having a toddler and a newborn, which nearly 5months down the line I'm still trying to figure out, and helping to support the family members who have needed it most whilst neglecting my own need for support because I don't see it as important compared to others.
And most recently an unexpected death of a family member which has left me both devastated and shocked.

At this point I'm feeling utterly drained. I'm struggling, I'm snappy with dp, can't take a joke, sex drive is zero. We argued before bed over something stupid and haven't made up (he's now snoring his head off). He's been great these past few months but I think he sometimes forgets what a difficult year it's been for me and that I'm a little on edge and oversensitive at times. I know that doesn't give me the right to be mean and snappy to him though. I'm tired, a combination of dd2 still waking at night most nights and emotional exhaustion (if there is such a thing). I'm sometimes snappy and lack patience with my toddler too which I know is totally unreasonable and unfair of me as she obviously doesn't understand why. So on top of everything I'm feeling like a crap mum and a crap partner as well. I'm worrying about what else is around the corner.

I'm being unreasonable aren't I? Lots of people go through stuff, they have difficult periods in life but don't take it out on others and manage to carry on and act like normal, reasonable human beings. Going through stuff doesn't give anyone the right to act like a prick.

wow you've had a really tough time try not to worry op, you're not a crap mum or partner whatsoever. Maybe it would be worth talking to your partner gently about how you're feeling at the moment and if he can support you in any way.

Try and rest up and look after yourself, you'll get through it soon but remember if you need extra help or support don't be afraid to ask for it.

Yanbu. The events one at a time are stressful, a string of them is punishing. And a small baby and a toddler. I had a spell of about 2.5 years where literally my Dhs parents were in and out of hospital and eventually died at the same time as nephew being hospitalised for months then Sil died unexpectedly. Just relentless and tiring and despairing. During all of that we had our much longed for smallest member of the family and I really resented what should have been halcyon days were so marred.
BUT. I learned that you value the good times and now I do.

Thank you for all your kind words.

I do think I need to talk to dp. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally so it tends to come out in my actions which of course is difficult for other people to understand as it just looks like I'm being a grumpy git. Don't get me wrong he has been fantastic and without his help I would have been drowning in housework and struggling even more than I am but I think I need to gently remind him that even though I may seem okay on the outside, I'm still hurting and struggling on the inside and will be for the foreseeable future.

This is the first time I've posted about everything at once and I'm feeling quite emotional reading it back. It does seem like a lot for someone to deal with. I knew it had been difficult but I didn't realise how difficult.

Neither of you are unreasonable. Any relationship would feel the strain under these circumstances. The real problem is if you stop communicating....then resentment and misunderstanding can set in.

FWIW, I remember when my brother died very suddenly, I 'lost' my feelings for my husband. The grief was so intense, it was all I could feel. I sort of knew that I still loved him, but really couldn't 'feel' it. DH was incredibly good about that and just waited. Everything settled back down over time.

Sorry, just to add...the summer my brother died, I also started a new job, we moved miles away from family, were almost homeless, struggled financially because my husband had given up a job he loved to move with me....

It was quite some time afterward that I realised just how much I'd had to deal with. I think that when you're really up to your neck in it, it's hard to have that perspective.

You really have had a lot on your plate haven't you? Seems it's just been relentless. I think when these things come you kind of cope at the time, mostly because you have to really, it's only later that it all catches up on you and you find yourself feeling physically and mentally drained.

Go a bit easy on yourself and do try to talk to DH to explain how you're feeling. Also, do you have a friend who is a good listener? Sometimes it helps to be able to unload a bit to someone a little bit removed from it all. You're probably exhausted too so if there isanyone who could maybe give you a break even just to get a couple of hours sleep or to go out for an hour by yourself to think your thought as it were, that might help?

For God's sake, you are not being unreasonable.

I had a very similar experience: relative was very ill over the period of my first pregnancy and died when that child was 2, and I found out I was pregnant the week before she died.

You are tired, very tired, and you might be depressed. Feeling guilty and weak about having normal emotional reactions to trying times can be a sign of depression. Being snappy, having no libido, and losing patience with toddle may be a sign of depression

You need to go and get help - go to your GP, try to arrange bereavement counselling. Tell your DH that you are sorry but you need more help from him so you get sleep and respite from the DCs

BTW Something that helps me when I have the urge to compare myself with others is to say 'don't compare your insides to other people's outsides'

You have no way of knowing how 'other people' cope with things, and in a way it does not matter.

Thank you everyone, it helps to hear all your experiences and to know that how I'm feeling is understandable. DP is at work this morning but I plan on having a chat with him later on. I think it will help, after all he's not a mind reader.

Narp, I also think a visit to the GP might help, I believe I may also have some anxiety as well as possibly being depressed. Even though I know they probably have people going in for depression multiple times a day, for some reason I find the prospect incredibly scary and have yet to pluck up the courage to pick up the phone. I know I will have to soon though if I want to get better.