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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To complain to school about my dd's detention?

45 replies

Bogeybrains · 16/10/2015 21:54

My 7 year old DD who has sen issues which causes her a lot of anxiety problems got given a detention today because she forgot her games kit. I felt so sorry for her. She came out of school with tears in her eyes. Since she started juniors in September, he has been fretting about detention as it is a whole new concept for her and worries about getting her homework done and makes sure she is well behaved. She is a summer born and not even been 7 that long - surely it is my fault she has not got her games kit, not hers. I know it was my fault for forgetting but surely a note home would have sufficed?

OP posts:

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 16/10/2015 22:55

My child would not be attending a school that had such a draconian attitude and punished 7 year old children for things their parents have forgotten.

I would make absolutely certain that you understand what has caused her to be punished like this, and if this is all I would look to school her elsewhere if possible.

Mmmmcake123 · 16/10/2015 22:57

YADNBU Don't even question yourself on this. How ridiculous, f lunatics IMO. I have worked in primary and things like this are generally down to an individual teacher. If she was due to go in in trackies today but didn't, the teacher had probably mentioned it to the children, and had set a stiff punishment. I think the school should have sent a text to parents to advise them of said trackie wearing day as most kids would forget to remind parents at this age. You shouldn't even be allowing for her being a summer baby. In addition, if she is sen, I am all for mainstream expectations but certainly not to this extent. The deed is done but I definitely think it is worth either speaking to teacher or ringing in and then you get to speak to head of key stage.

OwlinaTree · 16/10/2015 23:00

Don't think there's anything wrong with missing a playtime in year 3 as a punishment, but I would expect that to be a punishment for poor behaviour. Forgetting a PE kit would be note home to parents?

Verypissedoffwife · 16/10/2015 23:06

My DD is also 7 (nearly 8) she would have been the same as your daughter if she'd had a detention. My daughter also has sen - dyslexia and probably dyspraxia which makes it hard for her to remember things. I'd feel the same as you - in that it would be my fault if dd forgot her pe kit. Fortunately:

My daughters school keeps the pe kit at the school all the time (just sent home half termly for washing

machine )

My daughters school don't give detention

I've not heard of a primary giving detention before. If this happened to my daughter I would definitely be "one of those parents" because I think it's outrageous.

Mmmmcake123 · 16/10/2015 23:08

One teacher I worked with in Y4 kept the boys in part of playtime as a communal punishment for chatter during lesson time. It was normally about 5 mins but he called it detention to illustrate seriousness. I worked as an LSA with an ADD child at the time. I could have got him free release but he wanted to be one of the boys. I couldn't believe the sexism, there were really well behaved children staying in because they were boys.
Sometimes or often IMO they need to be informed they are not acting appropriately

Mmmmcake123 · 16/10/2015 23:43

My dcs school have also kept pe kit in school til half term. I also understand that detention as part of playtime is probably not seen as so bad, but in this situation they sent pe kit home and then penalised ops Dd for not arriving in the next day with it on. That is wrong, op admits she didn't put the trackies out for DD so the teacher is wrong IMO. She labeled it as a detention to a 7yr old, she needs to get a grip

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/10/2015 00:04

So it's not really a detention? It's a usual primary school punishment. Did the teacher call it that or is that your take on it? You forgot the pe kit so I agree that it's harsh she was punished, however it is the system for a lot of schools. Perhaps not appropriate for your daughter but for most children it's a good way to teach them responsibility.

Brioche201 · 17/10/2015 00:22

I don't think staying in at your playtime is an unreasonable punishment for yr3. Didn't she sign a home school agreement saying she would be properly equipped?
n

GruntledOne · 17/10/2015 00:30

Home school agreements are a waste of paper. It would be ridiculous to impose that sort of obligation on 5 year olds.

Verypissedoffwife · 17/10/2015 00:37

brioche so what if she did sign a home school agreement? What if she'd refused? Most people don't have a massive choice of schools (or even ANY choice depending where you live). Regardless, the child is 7 so I'm sure you're aware it's not actually legally enforceable.

TigerFeat · 17/10/2015 00:38

Really Brioche?

I am a bit at your post.

caroldecker · 17/10/2015 00:46

Don't forget again - instead of complaining do your job and support the school.

Verypissedoffwife · 17/10/2015 00:51

caroldecker you're another dick

Did you miss the part where the op states her child has sen?

Maybe you also have dyslexia? Or maybe you just lack empathy.

[Awaits deletion]

dontrunwithscissors · 17/10/2015 02:41

FFS. The kid is 7. I remember forgetting my PE kit aged 11 and not being given detention.

As, if not more, worrying about what the OP describes is the fact that there is clearly a 'fear' factor imposed upon the children. Her DD was already worried about it before this.

Senpai · 17/10/2015 03:05

Hmm.. I think the only reason this is a bad punishment is because of the child involved. If she were a less sensitive or anxious child, this would have been a fine punishment and prudent reminder that there are consequences for not being prepared.

I don't think it really has much to do with being NT or not. I have adhd. When I was a kid, I quite liked detention time because then I got the attention I wanted and would chat to the teacher despite their best efforts to keep me quiet. So, these punishments meant next to nothing for me, the most teachers could really do is give me cleaning supplies so I was at least useful. But I suppose at the very least, spending one on one time with them appealed to my sense of guilt to try and behave because I liked them. and I'm sure they cut me slack because they got to know and understand my quirks So it worked, just not for the reason they initially hoped for I'm sure.

The point is, it's really not a terrible punishment in and of itself. I would have a chat with DD. Tell her she did have a detention and at the end of the day, she made it through and it wasn't the big scary thing she built up in her head. People make mistakes, and more importantly, its ok to make mistakes. Maybe tell her about a time you forgot something and how embarrassing it was and how it all turned out ok. Then make a plan with her so you can both find a way to not forget her PE kit again, and what she should do should she ever get a detention again and she will if she already got one for something so trivial (ie: take a deep breath, remember that it's ok to make mistakes, daydream about something fun, take time to have some nice relaxing quiet time). If she has sen issues, it may be a life long thing, so it's best to learn how to cope with upsetting situations sooner rather than later.

SenecaFalls · 17/10/2015 03:33

But the OP has explained that it was her fault, not her DD's. Punishment is supposed to be a deterrent, and it should at least approach fairness. What is this punishment supposed to accomplish?

MrPorky · 17/10/2015 07:38

What the op hasn't done is talk to the school and find out what really happened.

I agree, if it's all exactly as dd says it's outrageous. So outrageous it seems likely to me that she was actually kept in for some other reason, on the same day that she happened to forget her kit and there's been a misunderstanding.

Of course op should talk to the school, but she doesn't really know yet whether she needs to "complain"

WhatamessIgotinto · 17/10/2015 07:41

'Detention' for a 7 year old is ridiculous.

kslatts · 17/10/2015 07:55

I agree that you need to speak to the school to discover all the facts, if it turns out that the detention was purely for forgetting her kit then YANBU to complain

HPsauciness · 17/10/2015 08:53

One problem here is that what used to be called 'keeping you in for 2 minutes at playtime' or 'missing your playtime' for minor problems has been relabelled 'detention' and it sounds scary and dramatic.

I think primary schools have often kept children back to complete unfinished homework or a couple of minutes if they have been naughty and so on, my dd had a 'detention' as they now called it of five minutes off break time for chatting in class. I find this entirely reasonable.

In this case, however, your dd cannot control her PE kit and it sounds like the whole atmosphere of 'detentions' is upsetting and frightening her. I would go into the school to see her class teacher for a little chat, not to complain as such, but just talk about her and how difficult she's finding the new way of doing things (which of course are designed to put the fear into the really difficult badly behaved children but rarely do!)

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