AIBU to tell 'enough is enough' ?

[Uselesswatless]

Name change for this one.

Background - I have 3 children, 13, 8, and baby.

Ex is the father to the two oldest, 13 Yr old does not see Dad (hasn't done so for a year and doesn't want to - his decision)

8 year old loves Dad, thinks he can do no wrong.

Since splitting with ex in 2013, he has not maintained regular contact with the children, or paid any maintenance towards them (i've put in a claim, nothing has been paid to date)

At first I was running the children (3 hour round trip) back and forth to a train station near their Dads house. I got fed up with doing this as he was constantly late and would cancel last minute etc.

When I was pregnant, I began insisting that he collect the children from near where I live (this was a DV relationship and he does not know where exactly we live). My 13yr old decided that not to see Dad and after a huge row with his Dad on the phone does not speak to him either.

8 year old likes seeing Dad, but is always a bit reluctant to make contact (has own phone)

Dad contacts 8 year old via whatsapp and makes arrangements - does not make arrangements with me, despite me constantly saying this is not on.

For the last 3 weeks running, Dad has promised to see 8 year old, but has not shown up.

First time we were all ready, dressed and nearly out the door - text message to say he wasn't coming.

Last week 8 year old got the text promising to collect on Saturday, then nothing.

Again this week has been promised again, but I contacted him via message last night and have not heard anything back despite him reading it.

The fundamental part of this story is probably that I left him after many many years of abuse and unhappiness, he was very bitter about this, and is even more bitter that I have moved on, am now very happy and have a new baby.

He is trying to be difficult and expects me to text him back asking where he is etc, what time etc. It's all mind games, and TBH, i've had enough.

I've had YEARS, FUCKING YEARS of this man calling the shots.

AIBU to say 'enough is enough' and tell him he can no longer see 8 year old if he doesn't turn up this weekend?

Poor kid. It is probably for the best, your 8 year old must be torn up inside every time he's repeatedly let down. YANBU.

You need to really reign in your explanations, which is incredibly hard to do when you're used to running around after an EA. So just this:

"I am no longer able to facilitate contact with the children as you're cancelling/not turning up. Feel free to go to court to organise contact"

And then nothing else until you get court papers.

I would step back entirely and let him become the product of his own design.

He is trying to be difficult and expects me to text him back asking where he is etc, what time etc. It's all mind games, and TBH, i've had enough.

Don't. Don't enquire as to his whereabouts. If he makes an arrangement via your son and your son is avilable, let it stand then without any interference whatsoever from you, watch it fall. Have no hand in rescuing the situation at all....just be there for your son when his disappointment is apparent.

You haven't a hope in Hell of managing this guy into any semblance of a reliable parent to your son. You have tried and it hasn't worked, so you must stop.

Jeff

I am 100% confident he will never go to court. In fact, I am 100% confident he will do nothing, because he is a lazy twat.
I feel the only person who will be upset is my 8 year old and I am just not sure I can do this to her.

I feel like I am having to force the relationship?

YANBU. Your poor child constantly being let down like this. Don't allow him these games anymore and tell him you are done with facilitating contact and if he wants, go through the courts. I bet he won't though, wouldn't the lack of maintainance come up then?

It's not you doing this to her, it's him. All him. You have continuously tried and he keeps letting her down.

I would say enough is enough, he cannot treat your child like that. Just say to him what jeffsan has said, and if he's serious wait for the court papers. What an utter wanker.

Crapbag

I'm trying not to lean too much on him about the maintenance.

I don't want it to go against me in the future if I want to stop contact.

I don't want it to be seen as a case of "she won't let me see my kids because of money"

I have a very good job and financially I don't need his money.

TBH i've only made the claim because I think he shouldn't be able to just 'forget' his responsibilities and move on. (fully aware I may be flamed for that)

Sounds like my dad, would show up 3-4 hours late to see us and was always more interested in getting a rise out of my mum than spending time with us.

I don't know how some men can do this to a child who idolises them, its absolutely heartbreaking to see them waiting for their dad and been let down time and time again. Who does he think he is to do this to an 8 year old?

Stuff him op, is he even bothered that your 13 year old doesn't want to see him?

Apart from the ages of your children we could easily be the same person

Don't stop contact. Just let him be. If he is a disappointment of a flake, then that's the choice that he has made. Your dd will soon get the measure of her dad (sadly) - all you can do is give her comfort and love.

I don't think refusing contact will make him go away. No he will not go to court, but he might well spend YEARS telling you, himself and anyone else who'll listen, what an evil, spiteful woman you are, stopping him from seeing his kids. In this way he will continue to impact on your life and your relationship with your daughter.

Don't prompt him to see her, but be obliging (where possible, if you already have plans then tough) if he does. Give him enough rope and he'll surely hang himself.

madmother it's absolutely awful isn't it.
Makes me sick to think you brought up a child and lived with them and then can just forget them like they mean nothing?

I am very lucky to have a supportive OH, who although is not their Dad and never will be, is an excellent role model.

My 13 year old (DS) spends lots of time with him, and sees him as someone he can talk to about things, so has a good male influence in his life.

My DS was always a very quiet and shy boy, very introverted until I left ex. After that he really came out of his shell, could have been moving from Junior school to seniors, not having to walk on eggshells near his Dad, or could have been moving areas completely and finding new friends? who knows.

DS has seen many things happen over the years, he is old enough to remember incidents and has grown to resent his Dad for that.

DD knows things have happened, but is more accepting of her Dad's side of the story so to speak.

At the start, Ex would sit the children down and berate me, saying nasty things about me, my new partner etc. DS didn't like this and soon started to come back upset and not wanting to see his Dad.

He refused a few visits and Ex called to speak to him, he yelled at DS who said he was scared to see him and didn't want to speak to him any more.
It was not for me to pass comment or interfere with that telephone conversation so after a barrage of abuse about how I have 'turned his son against him' and a load of 'you had better stop all this - or else' I haven't spoken to ex about it.

He has basically been doing everything via DD.

I think that you have a duty to protect your dd from this man. You can't stop her being hurt by how little he cares for her - that is not within your gift - but you can act in such a way that makes it clear to her that he is wrong to mess her around. In your position I'd stop contact until a court order is in place.

Don't facilitate anything. Don't give him ultimatums. Don't threaten to remove contact if he doesn't turn up this week.

Let him fuck it up again off his own back then stop contact.

Then contact him telling him whats happening. Tell him to go to court.

Don't give him any more chances to let your child down after this. I'm not sure what the advice would be about communication with your child, but in your shoes, i'd want to block his number from childs phone so he couldn't make promises and go back on them.