To not enable him to drink

[noalcoholformeplease]

I really need to know if IBVU because if I am then I'm not sure what I'm going to do. In My husband drinks. He starts with wine at around 9.30 in the morning, continues until he goes to the pub at 11.30 and then continues with more wine after he gets home at 1.30, until he staggers to bed at around 10. He is retired as am I. I retired early so "we could spend more time together". That consists of me driving him to the pub and collecting him. Three times now I have been summoned, heart pounding, to the pub as he has had a "funny turn". After the last one I told him he would have to cut back, reduce his drinking to 2 pints at the pub and stay for just an hour. I thought that was what he was doing until yesterday when I arrived to be told that he had had another turn but when asked, the barmaid said he'd had 3 pints (strong beer). I am now refusing to take him any more. I'm also not ordering the wine over the internet. He has just left for the pub complaining that the pain in his legs (caused by falling after he's had a few) is unbearable. Am I doing the right thing? Friends and family have differing opinions. His drinking has dominated our family life for so many years.

Your last sentence says you're married to an alcoholic

If you don't want to be, get out.

Blimey, i like a drink but wine at 9.30 am and drinking all day is not good. He clearly has a massive drink problem.

I think you need to tell him plainly that you love him, worry about him and would love to spend more time with him BUT you cannot continue to enable him with his drinking.

Tell him you will support him in cutting down and stopping if he wants but at the end of the day this is his choice. He needs to know you will no longer enable him by ordering wine or taking him to/from the pub. He is effectively ruining your retirement plans by being so selfish.

He is an alcoholic. Nothing you can say or do will stop him being one. All you can do is decide what level of behaviour you can put up with, and whether you can achieve that in a marriage, or whether you actually want to divorce.

Is he an abusive drunk? Is his spending on alcohol leaving you in financial difficulties? If the answers to these two questions are yes, you may need to consider leaving him for your own preservation.

If the answer is no, then depending on what you want from life, you may be able to stay married and just let him get on with it while building your own life effectively as a single person - i.e. you go to family or social events on your own while he's in the pub/getting legless sat on the sofa. It's quite a lonely life though as you don't have the emotional intimacy you should hope for in a marriage as his first relationship will always be with drinking. I would imagine, however, that you already realised that some time ago and to some extent you're already resigned to it.

Sadly, if you're both retirement age, I don't see him giving up drinking as one of the likely solutions.

Best of luck.

I have tried to help him, doctors have tried too but after a few weeks of "being good" he just slips back. He is registered blind and had to retire under medical grounds at very short notice. He says that if he didn't go to the pub he might as well be dead as he has no company. I have basically built my own life and yes, I do go out with friends, but if I didn't I think I'd go mad. I have very little money of my own and I've never lived alone and I know he wouldn't survive without me. I went away for a few days last year and he ended up in hospital.

He's spending a LOT on booze. And even without anything else, starting st 9:30am means he is never ever sober, and alcohol dependent so he really can't just stop.

Money are going for his drinks.
You will survive.
He is very sick man. He is the only person who can do anything about it.

an out and out alcoholic, he is.
you can't help him, unless he wants to help himself.
otherwise, prepare to be dragged down with him.
i would leave. or kick him out. whichever works best.
but i would call it a day - today. bollocks to that.

Is he a registered alcoholic? If he isn't, he needs to be. That way you can at least try to access some support services.

If you choose to stay because fear of going it alone is preventing you from leaving, that's one thing. But you should not be held to ransom for fear of him being unable to cope on his own. Alcoholics can and do live alone. Sadly, most die alone too, but that's a situation of their own making, no one else's.

If you leave, chances are, if he's drinking as heavily as you say, that he probably will drink himself to death in a relatively short space of time, but that's entirely down to him, not you. In the meantime, there are support services that can go in and help him wash, dress and ensure he eats something. If you choose not to leave, these support services may be able to kick in at least to allow you to take a break for a few days now and again.

Can i ask how old you both are? It doesn't sound like you are very old as you have taken early retirement and may have a long life ahead of you. I think you need to have a long think about what you want from your future. Does it include your DH or not?

Have a look for a local al-anon group. I cant emphasis enough how much going to al-anon has helped me.

Your DH is an acoholic and it has to be his choice to stop drinking.

if he has a serious incident after you leave - so be it.
leave him to it.
he's depending on you remaining soft to support his lifestyle and disease.
they (alcoholics) do shit like injuring themselves to ensure that their co-dependent comes rushing back to fuss over them.
i have vast experience in this area and i take no prisoners.

sorry - but i have zero sympathy for him.
you know you only have one life, don't you?
either he dries out or leave and let him to it.
why are you wasting your life on this pisshead?

I think you need to decide what you want from your retirement. If it is enabling your dh to drink himself to death, then spend some time working out what your boundaries are:

-Will you take him to and from the pub now? Will you continue to do so when he becomes sicker?
-Will you buy him alcohol when he becomes housebound?
-How much of your money are you comfortable with him using for drink? How can you safeguard the rest?
-What types of behaviour are you willing to tolerate (hallucinations/aggression/depression/poor hygiene/incontenance) and which would cause you to say 'enough is enough'?

I'd say leave, but IME partners generally don't. But watching someone kill themselves this way is pretty grim (understatement) and it will be harder for you to go later on when he is dying, so I'd seriously consider it now if I were you.

- sorry not to be nicer about it, but it is such an ugly thing to witness.

YANBU he has unbearable pain and yet is off out to do the thing that caused that pain? I've always felt that not all heavy/frequent/binge drinkers are alcoholics but it sounds like your husband is.

He is an alcoholic. You didn't cause it and you can't control it.
He doesn't sound like he has any intention of even trying to stop. It's then up to you whether you are prepared to love like this. Sorry.