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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A wedding one aibu?

25 replies

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 09:55

Wibu to just not bother having my mum at my wedding?

Dp and I are getting married in two weeks. We made the decision to have a tiny wedding, no frills, he's having his mum and dad there and I said I'd have my mum. There's no flowers, cake, reception or anything like that.

I told my mum and she agreed that she'd come.

I should say that there are a few family issues, my mum has been an ok mum on the whole but my dad treated us all terribly and she stood by and still does. As I was growing up she never did any normal mum daughter things like take me shopping or buy me my first bra or anything like that. My dad utterly resented any time I spent with my mum. They never worked or did anything properly and it was all just crap.

Fast forward to now mum and dad still have dreadful problems but I don't get involved. My mum never, ever rings me, she never visits, if I ask her to pop in for a cup of tea she says she's busy, every time I ring her she says she'll have to go as she's busy and how she got up at 10am and had to have a shower, make a cup of tea, walk the dog, and do her sewing so she is just soooo busy.

Anyway I told her that we're planning to get married and that it would be a bit of lunch beforehand, she agreed although said that she wouldn't be keen on the lunch but would try it.

I also asked if she would like to come to town today to get something to wear, I say this as I know she lives in one or two tops which is fine but she said she'd want something new, I also offered to buy her something, she agreed to this but couldn't speak at the time as she was 'busy', but agreed to ring me in the week to arrange it.

I've heard nothing from her. It's nearly impossible to contact her as her mobile phone doesn't work in her house and she never answers the landline.

I feel like just saying forget the whole thing.

She will probably ring me the night before or even the day after to ask if it's still happening.

She's not a horrible person, she never says a bad word to me but she just acts as though I don't exist.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 15/10/2015 09:58

What do you really want op? Are you just inviting her because having your mum there is a societal norm or do you genuinely want her to be there?

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 09:58

Just read back it seems a bit random mentioning my first bra! But I just remember being a teenager and having no decent clothes and having no clue how to dress and my dad ripping into me about my weight (I was 5"4 and 9 stone). I've always felt if I had a daughter I'd do all that stuff with her.

OP posts:
LittleRedSparke · 15/10/2015 09:59

I wouldnt bother, she doesnt sound like someone who will bring joy to the day - have you got a close friend you can have instead?

MissBattleaxe · 15/10/2015 10:01

Nah, just tell her she didn't get back to you in time so you couldn't firm up arrangements and have a great wedding!

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:02

A bit of both formerbabe, I wish I had a 'normal' family but realise it's never going to happen, I do also feel a bit sorry for my older ds as he's like her there, and doesn't understand the situation.

I won't enjoy it any less if she not there.

OP posts:
LadyLuck81 · 15/10/2015 10:03

It doesn't sound like you want her there or that you'd benefit. Have the wedding you want with your real, supportive, family. Good luck, I hope you have a wonderful day.

Annarose2014 · 15/10/2015 10:03

She's been invited, she knows what time and venue it is, right?

So leave it so. If she rings and ask if its still going ahead (though it doesn't sound like she would) then just answer "Yep. Great if you could be there but not to worry if you can't make it". Then get off the phone first.

AuntieStella · 15/10/2015 10:05

You say she still stands by your dad. So as she's invited (and presumably he's not) she is in a very difficult situation, and I'm not surprised she's having a number of ostrich moments about it.

I wouldn't press on the trip to getting a new outfit (if she's not told him, and it's not something you usually do for her, then that's just another thing she has to cover up).

I hope she gets to the wedding itself, though, as she is the one you want there. But I can why that might not be straightforward either.

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:07

I might add that she didn't go to my sisters wedding.

It was quite far away so a bit awkward but sister did offer to buy her clothes, arrange transport and pay for accommodation.

In the end my mum was unwell on the day so genuinely couldn't go, but up until a week before she was still claiming that she was t sure how she was going to get there, or where she would stay.

OP posts:
mileend2bermondsey · 15/10/2015 10:07

I'm sorry you have such an unsupportive family OP. I hope your day is wonderful, it's the beginning of your new family. Cograts on your wedding. Flowers Wine

EponasWildDaughter · 15/10/2015 10:07

I won't enjoy it any less if she not there.

There we have it! :)

If she contacts you about the wedding then carry on with arrangements with her as you are.

If she makes no further move then let her come, or not come, but leave her to it. Mentally prepare for either scenario if you need to do so, and then don't think any more about it beyond that.

Flowers Have a lovely wedding OP

ollieplimsoles · 15/10/2015 10:08

Shes had an invite op, its her daughters wedding ffs, and you should be happy and having fun looking forward to it not pandering to her. Sorry but she sounds awful. Its her own fault if she doesn't turn up you cant be expected to keep chasing her up all the time, and you certainly shouldn't be feeling like its hard work getting your mother to come to your wedding!

Just leave her to it op and have a nice wedding day, you did everything possible.

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:09

Auntiestella it's a bit more complicated Han that, my dad wouldn't go anyway, he doesn't leave the house unless he drunk.

OP posts:
RollingRollingRolling · 15/10/2015 10:11

Don't chase her up anymore/phone her try and plan things for her. If she turns up in a hideous top, she turns up. If she doesn't you'll enjoy your wedding more anyway. Enjoy your day

formerbabe · 15/10/2015 10:21

I don't think you should chase her up anymore...It all sounds like very hard work. Enjoy your day!

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:21

I will also add that despite my dad having done some terrible things and said some horrible, vile abusive things to me, I've still kept some contact and still welcomed him into my home so long as he's sober, so it's not that I've ever forced my mum to take sides.

I've helped them to move to nicer housing by filling in application forms and other things like that.

But this is a man who has phoned me at 3am waking me up drunk screaming 'fuck you you bitch you don't care about me'.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 15/10/2015 10:25

Go with your gut feeling. You're genetically related but have no relation with them.

AlpacaLypse · 15/10/2015 10:29

I'm very sorry your mum is so deeply co-dependent with your dad's alcoholism. But you can't do any more than you already have to help.

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:44

Actually thinking about it auntiestella you're probably right, she probably is tying herself in knots over what to say to my dad. Even though he absolutely wouldn't go he probably expects me to go round grovelling for him to come.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 10:47

Next what an earth do I say to in laws? I have no wish to disclose the full extent of the family issues to them and certainly not just before a wedding.

I have no one else I'd want there or certainly not who I could ask at such a late stage.

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 15/10/2015 10:50

I'm in a similar situation OP - I'm getting married next week and don't think my mum is coming. She can be a bit high maintenance and hasn't been answering the phone to me lately and gave a one line response when we tried emailing her. We're also having a relatively low fuss wedding but there's still lots to do so we've decided not to chase after her. If she comes, she comes.

Have a lovely day and don't let her spoil it. Don't forget that you're gaining a family - I hope you future PIL are lovely.

QueenStromba · 15/10/2015 10:52

Cross posted with you OP. I just told DP's parents that my mum is a bit high maintenance and we decided that we didn't want to make the wedding all about her by chasing after her. They were fine with that.

KinkyAfro · 15/10/2015 10:58

I'd ring your mum, if she doesn't answer leave a message. Tell her when and where the wedding is and if she turns up she turns up.

Just tell your in-laws that she's ill if she doesn't make it

Pyjamaramadrama · 15/10/2015 11:09

Thanks queen and thanks everyone for the well wishes.

Pil are perfectly nice ordinary people, I get on with them, no nightmare mil or anything like that, it's just not the same as your own mum.

It's difficult as she isn't horrible to me, in fact when I do see her she'll always say I look nice or compliment my clothes, she always compliments the dc's, she never criticises me or my parenting, she never really has a bad word to say about anyone. She's just completely passive and oblivious and has no interest in anything about me. She does find time to play bingo with her friends every week though.

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 15/10/2015 12:08

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Flowers

I think I wouldn't chase your mum and see what happens. You don't owe your PIL any explanations, but assuming that they don't know the full picture at present why not just say your father has a long-term illness and won't be coming. He relies on your mother, and she's not sure he'll be well enough to leave on the day or if she can make arrangements to cover him so she may or may not come and you'll have to see on the day. There are no untruths there. And should you choose to confide in your PILs at some future date, you don't have to backtrack in any way.

You don't owe your mum any understanding, because ultimately you were the child and she was the adult. It was her job to protect you and she didn't do it. However, the person at fault here is your father (being kind, perhaps we can blame this on his alcoholism rather than him). Your mother has spent decades trying to appease your father. Initially, she probably started doing so to keep you and your DB safe. Over the years, the effort of appeasement has become so all-consuming that there's no room for any other meaningful relationship. It's become a way of life for her to the exclusion of all else. It's what happens to the spouses of abusive people if they stay, sad to say. In many ways your mum is undoubtedly a victim rather than an uncaring mother. However, that does not mean she isn't partly responsible for your childhood. And it doesn't make ok what you experienced growing up. It's all terribly sad. But you certainly don't owe your mother any effort to chase her up to get her to your wedding. If her own apathy prevents her from being there, that's her choice. It's the same apathy that prevented her from protecting you as a child. IT's not your responsibility to fix it.

Enjoy your wedding. I hope it's everything you hoped for and followed by many happy years together.

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