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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

police - aibu

10 replies

Uncertaine · 14/10/2015 17:41

i was assaulted (not seriously thankfully) by a family member.

I don't want to do a formal report as I've never done this before and don't really know what happens, but don't want SS getting involved or anything, and also don't want family member having a conviction on record. But I do want them to stay away from me. Can I do this? Have googled but advice is contradictory. Thanks x

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2015 17:46

Are they likely to stay away of their own accord?

If you need a legal order instructing them to stay away, you'd likely need to make a police report. That means calling your police station and telling them what happened. They'll make an appointment to come and see you (or for you to go to the station) to take a statement from you about what happened. You can request female police officers if you need too.

Then the police would decide what to do next. They may just speak to your relative and warn them to stay away, or they may press charges. If the person has children and a history for being violent (previous convictions?) the police may refer to SS, but that would be unusual unless there was a reason to suspect they may be hurting/neglecting their children.

Having a conviction on record wouldn't be your call, if it was prosecuted. If it's a first crime, and a non-serious assault, they may be able to accept a caution instead. They'd get a duty solicitor to advise them on what to do anyway.

You can ask for a restraining order or similar without reporting the crime, but you're unlikely to have it granted because there'd be no proof that they pose a danger to you.

Uncertaine · 14/10/2015 17:50

Thanks, -Anchor-, that's really helpful.

Even a caution would show up on an enhanced DBS though wouldn't it? I'm more worried about me being referred to SS, it was a fight that got out of hand. I'm just conscious it looks awful, violence and fighting in front of children.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2015 18:07

I really wouldn't worry about their criminal record!

It sounds like you need protection from them, so making a report is the way to go.

I doubt you'd be referred to SS if this is unusual, but if you were, they'd call you to discuss what happened. They will ask if you need any support. You can say everything is fine, and they will confidentially speak to the child protection officer at your children's school to see if there are any concerns registered. They will then close the case. They will probably offer to support your application for the person to be kept away from you and your children, if you mention it to them, and that can add weight.

You might report it and nothing happen other than you both get told not to do it again, you might report it and the CPS decide to prosecute, and then you come to the different sentencing options like a caution or conviction. Without that report, though, officially the incident didn't happen so you don't really have grounds to ask for them to be kept away from you.

This is the type of thing that cascades, so I'd report it to prevent being dragged into anything worse.

Uncertaine · 14/10/2015 18:11

I know, but it would cause so many problems in terms of their work and ability to earn money that although I'm angry and upset at being physically hurt I don't want to be vindictive and ruin their livelihood. It's so hard!

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ilovechristmas123 · 14/10/2015 18:13

did the incident happen at your home

ilovechristmas123 · 14/10/2015 18:15

if it happened at your home where children are.and if the police were called to that address they will inform ss,they have to

OnlyTheDepthVaries · 14/10/2015 18:21

The police are there to prosecute for criminal offences- if they don't prosecute (through lack of evidence or lack of support from the victim) they cannot make the offender stay away. Try the civil route - see a solicitor and apply for an injunction through the civil courts.

PoundingTheStreets · 14/10/2015 18:37

If it's a domestic situation, the police won't be able to give you guarantees about what will happen. Domestic incidents (which includes those with family members, rather than partner/ex-partners) will be 'only recorded on file' if there are no offences mentioned - i.e. police attend after a row but one in which no assault or damages occur. If there is any suggestion that a criminal offence has taken place, it is the Crown Prosecution Service that will make the final decision.

All that said, if it is one person's word against the other, with no witnesses or visible injuries, the likelihood is that no further action will be taken if you are not on board with a prosecution. That doesn't mean your family member wouldn't end up being arrested and interviewed, however, which is something to consider.

The options the police have to apply conditions for the family member to stay away are very reliant on you supporting a prosecution or getting a conviction, with the exception of perhaps a Domestic Violence Protection Notice/Order, but it would not be likely in this situation.

If your child was in the house at the time of the incident, a referral to SS would have to happen automatically. But I wouldn't worry about that TBH. If this is a one off and you've already decided the family member is no longer welcome at your house, SS will see that you have taken positive steps to safeguard your children and they're more likely to ask how they can help than they are to criticise you. If this is an isolated incident, they won't be opening up a file for you and seeking to remove your children. You might get a phone call or a quick visit and that would be that.

Many victims worry about the consequences of reporting, and TBH some of those concerns are valid. The support for victims simply isn't there as much as it should be. Doing the right thing can often lead to a lot of aggro for a victim that's almost as bad as what they've reported. However, unless you are sure this is a one off, reporting is the best choice. If this family member is likely to cause future problems, you will need to use the system to protect yourself and you cannot do that unless you can prove an ongoing history - reported incidents, even ones that don't result in any criminal proceedings, at least document every occurrence and show you're not making stuff up retrospectively.

Good luck. Flowers

Uncertaine · 14/10/2015 18:50

Thank you so much for your help. It did happen at home, yes - no permanent damage but shocked and upset.

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Uncertaine · 14/10/2015 19:47

Could I also ask - I am guessing this is 101? Is that right?

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