to ask if I'm financially abusive

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dh and I both work full time. I earn about 20k more than him. We don't have a joint bank account - I have offered to, so that he can have a debit card for the account, but he says he's fine as things are. He doesn't know my online bank details but he knows my debit card PIN and I give my card to him when he needs to use it. I do keep him updated each month on what's in the 'savings' account which is in my name. We split mortgage and bills, he pays childcare by salary sacrifice, we each take a £50 'allowance' each week that we pool to spend on a night out or other odds and sods. This leaves him with nothing so everything left over from my salary goes into a separate savings account in my name which is there for holidays, clothes, car maintenance, house maintenance or whatever. Dh is quite thrifty so not really a spender anyway and I tend to arrange the kind of stuff the savings pay for. He's always said he'd feel uncomfortable having free access to money that I've essentially saved from my salary (although it's for both of us).

I came into money recently through redundancy (found a new job quickly) which we haven't decided what to do with. We're finally able to spend money on getting house decorated, new carpets and aren't struggling financially. But I still feel like he has to come cap in hand to me when he wants something, which I don't want him to do. Equally i don't want to patronise him by giving him an allowance. Am I being financially controlling towards him? Should I go ahead and just set up a joint account whether he wants it or not? We've been married 6 years, together for 13. I do like to have my own safety net/ security/ financial independence but am beginning to feel uncomfortable about it.

For the record, we're happy and I love him to bits. He seems quite relaxed about everything but it always feels awkward that he has to ask me to pay for stuff.

As others have said, you're not financially abusive because you are happy to share / set things up differently.

I'm always a bit at proportional payments because with a big enough difference in salary the higher earner still ends up with a lot more spending money.

We do equal spending money (broadly - we're not all that fussy about calculating it down to the nearest £ these days). It doesn't mean it's always totally fair as for example it has at times cost me more to work, whereas DP had generally lower costs and then a whopping great car bill / more expensive insurance. We're partners though, so in those circumstances we'd chip in if needed or the person with more money would pay for other things.

That's the key thing to me. Aside from protecting yourself (and marriage provides that), it being willing to share. Can't get my head around couples (and I have known some) where e.g. one comes out for a night out byt the other stays home because they can't afford it.

Thanks so much for all your suggestions.

Dh and I talked last night and I suggested we pay mortgage and bills proportionate to salary. I've worked out that the split should be 60/40. After that I've suggested we should each give ourselves a monthly allowance (the same amount each) to spend on personal things like clothes and pool the total of the remainder in a joint 'family fund' account with equal access as I want him to know he has joint ownership of that and therefore has an equal say in how it is spent.

He said it didn't matter to him, he's relaxed with current arrangements etc but I said I wasn't comfortable with it as things stand. He has now agreed to sit down and go through the bills to apportion them and seemed happy with what I've suggested

I don't know if it counts for you, but it might well be worth paying some of your money into an ISA in your partner's name, or possibly a private pension (you get better returns on that ATM). He won't be paying as much tax as you, so you'd get more of a return. You are essentially pooling resources so pooling savings taxes via your income is neither morally nor legally wrong as long as the money you give him is less than about £3k pa under gift tax laws (I think - it'd be easy to check).

That would require you trusting your other half a lot, but it seems like you have a mutual trustworthiness* thing going on. That's wonderful, but sometimes the law doesn't respect your mutual trustworthiness as much as you might like. He won't get as much from your pension as he would from one in his own name, should you predecease him even decades in the future, and he won't be able to access any bank account in your name as quickly as he could in his alone, should the worst happen. It is better for you both to have savings and pensions.

*Apologies for awkward phrasing, but mutual trust has a specific meaning.

When you get your redundancy lump sum perhaps use it all to repay any mortgage you have.

Do remember if you ever divorce however it does not matter whose name money is in your ex and you will probably get half each.

Can you put the savings half into an account in his name? I don't think you're being abusive but there's an inequality there that feels uncomfortable.

Or suggest a joint account again, and emphasise your belief that all money is family money, and see what he says?