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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to commit to these plans?

21 replies

DimlowChips · 14/10/2015 15:09

I have just listened to my husband trying to explain to his nan that we cannot agree to go out with them for a family dinner between Xmas and new year. She has told him he is being unreasonable but I think she is!

The story: I'm pregnant with our first child, and my due date is 30th December. They want to take the whole family to a (cold and drafty) pub that they like for lunch a few days before then. They always insist on sitting right by the main door as it is easier for his grandparents. We don't like the idea of having a newborn baby with us if I have given birth, or a very pregnant me, sitting in a cold pub when there's a lovely warm house to be in!

She says he won't agree to going, because he is 'punishing her' for cancelling the Xmas day meal she had planned to cook for everyone last year. While that was rather silly and childish, no one is clinging onto that 10 months later other than her. She had cancelled the turkey etc with the butcher despite offers from the family to cook in her kitchen so she could still have everyone there, as she was suffering a cold at the time! All this about 4 days before Xmas day!

Of course I'm going to stand up for my husband as he is looking out for me and our little one, but are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 14/10/2015 15:13

YANBU for not wanting to go at all.

but I do think you should look into things called jumpers, they're quite handy for when you visit cold draughty places.

petalsandstars · 14/10/2015 15:13

Nope YANBU either heavily pregnant or with a newborn you very probably won't be comfortable. Or you could be in labour or in hospital.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/10/2015 15:30

Oh god no, YANBU.

boobubsmum · 14/10/2015 15:34

perhaps suggest an alternative, warm comfortable venue if it's jus the cold issue? I however would totally not be up to going out if I'd just had a baby or was ready to drop, I didn't go to a family wedding this year because it was the week of my due date despite knowing fairly early on that it was quite likely the baby would already be 3 weeks old by that point (and she was!)

Junosmum · 14/10/2015 15:42

The alternative is that you agree to go and end up cancelling last minute due to being unwell/ in labour/ in hospital/ just got home. Would she prefer that? She's nuts!

fivepies · 14/10/2015 15:49

Nearly exactly the same happened to me except it was DH's Gran's significant birthday. It was our first baby and the party was just after my due date. We were put under so much pressure to commit to going and I found it very stressful. The chosen venue was 40 miles away even though all DH's family live within about 5 miles of each other. I wondered why, if it was so bloody important we were there, why hadn't our needs being considered?

In the end I had a hard labour before the party and we didn't go. Frustratingly my MIL and DH's Gran said 'oh, we didn't expect you to come'. Why all the fuss and pressure then???!
I wish we'd just said no right from the start.

Original poster

DimlowChips · 14/10/2015 18:54

Thanks for the replies everyone (and yes I know what a jumper is thank you).

He has said that if we are there we are, if we aren't there then tough!

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 14/10/2015 21:51

Don't go.

We drove 50 miles for Christmas dinner with two tiny babies. I was unwell and recovering from the birth and I was struggling with breast feeding. We were also deeply sleep
deprived.

I did it because I knew if we hadn't gone we'd have had an invasion of people wanting to share the babies first Christmas.

I put a brave face on it but I was absolutely miserable. I look back at how awful I look in the pictures and wonder why no one sent me home to be honest.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/10/2015 21:54

We'll come if we can is all you can offer. Yanbu.

JeffsanArsehole · 14/10/2015 22:00

Say yes, cancel because you've 'gone into labour, oh whoops 5 hours later it was a false alarm'.

Easy way out that you don't need your big girl pants for.

Only1scoop · 14/10/2015 22:00

Yabu slightly ....just say we will be there if we can. It's only s meal at a pub it hardly matters of you have to take a rain check does it?

All the 'sitting by the draughty door' stuff sounds a bit lame if I'm honest.

scarlets · 14/10/2015 22:02

People should never feel under pressure to socialise with a tiny baby. I sometimes think that older folk forget how tiring the first couple of weeks are.

If you're still pregnant you might rather enjoy the distraction though. That waiting period between going on maternity leave and D Day can be interminable.

ninniepie · 14/10/2015 22:02

I'd say yes now but make it clear you may not be able to go. You almost definitely won't want to go if your baby has been born. But you may feel like it if you're still pregnant.

Fwiw I was never cold in my pregnancy even in the depths of winter - you may be the same!

DoreenLethal · 14/10/2015 22:06

May i introduce you to a phrase that will come in useful as a parent.

It goes like this:

'We'll see'.

HTH

N.B. Also useful as a wife, partner, auntie, teacher, in fact as any human.

ollieplimsoles · 14/10/2015 22:07

Fuck that op,

I can't believe they want you to commit right now to going to a frigging xmas family meal so badly, do they not realise you have a bit more on your plate right now!?

I would say we are not going now...

Goldmandra · 14/10/2015 22:12

The cold issue sounds like a bit of a red herring. Wear warm clothes and, if the baby has arrived, wrap him or her up.

However, YANBU to not want to make arrangements for a time that's so close to your due date. Being sore, sleep deprived and struggling to BF are much more likely to be real issues than being in a bit of a draught and nobody should be putting pressure on you to go out for a meal at that stage.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 14/10/2015 22:12

He has said that if we are there we are, if we aren't there then tough!

This is perfectly reasonable (though I would make it about the baby coming rather than the cold thing).

skinnyamericano · 14/10/2015 22:18

I'd just say that you'll make it if you can.

If you've had the baby, probably no way. If you haven't and it's not miles away, I think I'd be inclined to go for something to do.

Fairenuff · 14/10/2015 22:25

I'd tell them that it will probably be the last thing you'll feel like doing when you are either heavily pregnant or a new mum recovering from childbirth. And you're definitely going to be one or the other so tell them to go ahead without you.

lorelei9 · 14/10/2015 22:41

YANBU

aside - can't believe the jumper suggestion. I could wear all the jumpers in the world and it wouldn't change how I'd feel about sitting in a draught in blooming December. Nor would a jumper change my asthma's opinion on breathing in cold air!!

missymayhemsmum · 14/10/2015 22:46

Could you arrange a family pre-christmas get together at the start of December? Surely everyone will understand that you can't commit to anything so close to your due date.

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