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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just want a small family Christmas

50 replies

sjd84 · 14/10/2015 14:06

My husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old boy, we both want a small Christmas at home, just the three of us. My family (mum, dad, sister and BIL) I feel will be disappointed if we are not there for Christmas. We have spent 7 of the last 8 Christmas' with my family. What do people think, am I being unreasonable to just want to spend some time the three of us?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 14/10/2015 23:05

I don't think it has to be about families. There are some people who prefer to spend the day at church or reading the bible. Some people prefer to go off on their own hill walking. Some people want a pagan midwinter drinking binge with like minded friends
I think It's up to each person to decide what they want their Christmas to be about, the same as other celebrations.
Trying to make other people have the same sort of Christmas that you enjoy because that is what Christmas "should" be about just leads to problems.

kungpopanda · 15/10/2015 05:53

If you have spent seven out of the last eight with your family, isn't it about time you started repaying the hospitality of many years rather than going solo now it suits you to do so?
Your parents, for example, might quite like both the effort and the financial burden of a 'family Christmas' (and saints please preserve us all from those) taken onto younger shoulders for once.

Christmas isn't there for you to enjoy, you know. It's to build up layers of obligation, bitterness, disappointment, and grease in the oven.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 15/10/2015 06:01

You are right about having the chance to build your own traditions, I think once you've had children your parents need to accept that the mantle moves on to you, and Christmases revolve around your home and your children. I think it's nice for children to be in their own homes on CD wherever possible and grandparents should come to them.

I think it's nice to invite your family to you, especially if they would otherwise be on their own. Although if your sister and BIL will be with them I suppose it's not really that necessary.

If you've spent 7 out of the last 8 Christmas Days with your family, where do your DHs family fit in?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 15/10/2015 06:02

LOL so true kungpo

LillianGish · 15/10/2015 06:18

YANBU. But It's hard getting people to step out of their routines - if you don't put your foot down now you'll be tied into this tradition forever and it will be harder and harder to say no. Do you live nearby? If so you could go round for Boxing Day (or invite them to yours) and perhaps let DS wait and open presents from your parents and sister until he sees them (an excellent way to spread out the present opening frenzy imo) As kids that's how we did Christmas - Christmas Eve with cousins, Christmas Day at home, Boxing Day with graandparents (though never until after lunch). That only works if you live within reasonable travelling distance though (which I never have since I've been married). Spending hours in the car over Christmas is no fun at all.

Flambola · 15/10/2015 06:22

YANBU. My DH and I have often had Christmas just the two of us. This year we hope to have a baby by then so will be spending it alone this year too.

My 'D'M took umbrage with this when I told her that this year we would just be getting in a Chinese and staying at home. She had forgotten that it will be one year since I gave birth to our stillbirth son. I'm incredibly angry about it!

Olivepip59 · 15/10/2015 06:32

It meant, they're grown ups who seem quite able to arrange their own Christmas Day and if you want a small quiet day just you, your husband and son do it and enjoy it and don't feel guilty.

I thought 'fuck 'em' too.

The knots everyone gets into over one day, which is religious in origin; only one poster so far has mentioned church and contemplation.

The idea if 'family at Christmas' is part Victorian, part American wholly nightmarish for most people unless they're lucky enough to be related to adults who can organise themselves without making others feel guilty.

Your day, please yourself. Your plans sound wonderful and I hope you have a very special day.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2015 08:44

YANBU but - I did this ONCE!
Dull dull dull.
I always have Christmas now with all my family.
Full of laughter, fun and games.
I'd never do a small Christmas again.
But... that's what I like. You do what you like.

Muckogy · 15/10/2015 09:09

they've done well - they got 7 out of 8 xmasses with you already.
just put your foot down and say no.

that's really your only option, isn't it? otherwise it will be 8 xmasses out of 9.

echt · 15/10/2015 09:12

Back in the day, we did Christmas at home. Boxing Day with DB and SIL in same city. Travel up to MIL waaay in the north for a few days.

However.

The travelling told over time and we did some Xmas hols abroad in hotter places, doing the visiting later.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 15/10/2015 09:18

We're planning on doing this next year, already had long standing plan with IL this year and MIL will through a strop if we change her Christmas even if I will be heavily pregnant and not want to deal with lots of people a six year old and a one year old
So starting next year our on family traditions instead of going to my mum's like we normally would (since being married we have alternated Christmas' but my mum has always said then when every we want to start our own thing that's fine with her) rather jealous of those doing the small immediate family thing this year.

Shutthatdoor · 15/10/2015 09:39

YANBU but - I did this ONCE!
Dull dull dull.
I always have Christmas now with all my family.
Full of laughter, fun and games.
I'd never do a small Christmas again.
But... that's what I like. You do what you like.

Are you my DSis?

She did the 'small' thing once and didn't like it either.

Apparently her and her DH decided that once tried it, glad they did but they won't do it again

ollieplimsoles · 15/10/2015 10:12

Do it op! We have yet to tell mil that we will be spending our Christmas day at our house with our tiny baby, no way are we carting ourselves around going from one family to the next with our baby dc in tow

hellsbellsmelons · 15/10/2015 13:27

I could well be Shut - I have a few sisters!

thewavesofthesea · 15/10/2015 16:32

Do half and half? Tis what we have done the past 3 years (youngest is nearly 4)
We live about 1.5 hours drive from out families (who live 5 miles from eachother). We do Xmas eve church, then Xmas morning (usually v early!!) at home where Santa visits, then kids in the car where they have a nap while we drive to family. Usually get there for about 12noon. Kids are rested for the rest of the day with the family. Last year both me and DH fell asleep on the sofas at MILs house after lunch and woke to be served tea, while the boys played with grandparents; it was the best Xmas ever!

randomsabreuse · 15/10/2015 16:44

DH will be working some days over Christmas and DD will be 5 months so I don't want 3 hours plus in the car (with appropriate breaks) on successive days - only get 2 days in a row. DH is planning to volunteer for Christmas day itself as it is less relevant to a 5mo and we will do a midnight Eucharist somewhere.

My parents are abroad so aren't an issue.

Have always had on call so there's never been a fixed rule but thus will be the first year of no Christmas travelling at all.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 15/10/2015 16:46

when i was pregnant i told both parents, we would now be christmasing at home, you both are free to alternate visits to us, of course we can host.

So that is what happens. MIL comes for christmas afternoons, mum comes for a few days every other year.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/10/2015 17:34

Ha ha! I did it once and found it a bit dull too. But I think you definitely should try it to see if you like it, OP.

blibblobblub · 15/10/2015 17:46

We're doing the same this year. Last year we had both sets of parents over and it was lovely but tiring. This year it'll just be me, DH, and baby DD. We're not even going to do a Christmas dinner I don't think, just going to hit up Waitrose/M&S for some naice easy food. And DH suggested that if it's a nice day we could go for a walk somewhere. I'm looking forward to it

NewLife4Me · 15/10/2015 17:52

We spent the first christmas of ds1 travelling round to see dh and my family as we lived a long way away at the time.
That was 24 years ago and we have never visited on Christmas day again, not anybody.
Anybody is welcome to pop in family or friend, but we don't visit.
If you have dc it isn't fair on them, they want to play with their toys.

Hygellig · 15/10/2015 18:27

I think it's fair enough to just want to have a quiet Christmas at home for a change, and see your family at another point during the festive period if you want to. You could at least try it out and go back to big family Christmases if it seems dull without the extended family.

Original poster

sjd84 · 19/10/2015 15:14

Thank you for all your messages, we are going to try a small family Christmas this year and see if we enjoy it, fingers crossed family will be happy! Only 67 days to go now.....

OP posts:

coffeeisnectar · 19/10/2015 15:23

As a child I remember a few Christmas days where we got up, opened presents then had to leave most of them and go and get in the car to drive to visit family where we spent the day wishing we were at home with our toys.

As a result I've always had Xmas at home since having my kids and that's not going to change. We have a day at my parents a week before with my dsis and nephew when we play games, eat etc. We see sil on boxing day and friends when we fit them in.

Original poster

sjd84 · 19/10/2015 15:41

Me too, coffeeisnectar both myself and my husband (who doesn't have any close family) want to start making our own family traditions in our own home.

OP posts:

SevenOfNineTrue · 19/10/2015 15:52

Not unreasonable at all. Make sure you communicate this with them now and make arrangements to see them either side (maybe a New Year celebration?) of Christmas.

Good luck.

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